Thursday, March 31, 2005

Prediction Clearance Sale!

Time to purge my system of prognostications. Here's some things that are as guaranteed as the Syracuse/Wake Forest championship game:

NBA - West predictably comes down to Phoenix vs. San Antonio with Spurs winning in six. East pits the unlikely Celtics against the Heat with Miami sweeping. Spurs win in 7 with Manu Ginobili named finals MVP.

Hockey - Replacement players start next season. New York Rangers go an undefeated 25-0 before the real players come back and still miss the playoffs.

Australian Rules Football - Fremantle and Melbourne fight for top spot all season. Hawthorn continues its role as league whipping post. St. Kilda once again disappoints in the playoffs and Brisbane winds up winning for the 4th time in 5 years. Also, anyone reading this suddenly cares.

NBA Draft - Lakers get #1 pick, proving that the whole lottery is fixed. Bogut's brilliance creates huge demand for anything Australian. Paul Hogan is pleased.

Alright, enough spoon-bending mentalism. We now return you to your regularly scheduled plane of existence.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Taking The Boys To Task

Everyone pissed me off yesterday, even Stat Boy! Why do I feel like the only person on earth at times who thinks Ashley Judd is a no-talent blow-hard whose brand of 'look at me' cheerleading for Kentucky ranges from 'self-serving' to 'sickeningly annoying'?

A perfectly encapsulated diatribe of 'Superfan' Ashley was to be found in Slate a couple of weeks ago:

"Ashley Judd, superfan. It's one thing for celebrities like Jack Nicholson and Spike Lee to flaunt their wealth courtside during a pro game. But watching the aging ingénue don pigtails to prove she can relate to the commoners of the commonwealth is just sad. First, she punishes us with dreck like Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. Now, she pollutes UK telecasts because TV directors can't resist endless cutaways of Wynonna's sister. Yeah, yeah, she knows her basketball. She also dated Michael Bolton. Let's not go nuts glorifying her critical reasoning skills."

Well put, to be sure, but my dislike of younger Judd is not just limited to her 'let's cheer on the boys and serve them orange slices' chipperness on the sidelines. Have you ever seen her interviewed? I've never seen anyone so desperate to prove how intelligent she is. Overpronouncing every word as if annunciation equals smart. Inevitably as well, she'll sit on her legs or do something else during the interview to let everyone know how much she plays by her own rules.

So give it a rest Wilbon (and to a lesser extent TK and Statboy). There are infinitely more attractive women at sporting events for you to drool over and ones I'm sure that are 100 times less annoying than Ashley Judd.

Monday, March 28, 2005


I would like to dedicate last weekend's tremendous college basketball games to Kobe Bryant, Kevin Garnett, Amare Stoudemire, Jermaine O'Neal, LeBron James, Kuwame Brown, and all the other NBA players who skipped school to go straight to the pros.

I completely understand financial hardships and all the motivation to turn pro early, but after watching the games last weekend it just seems like no amount of money can compensate for missing the Tournament. My only hope is your respective teams are having Tournament parties and you feel left out. Hell, even Stephan Marbury, Anfernee Hardaway and Carmelo Anthony went to college for one year! Here's hoping that the final three games are all better than the previous 4!

Speaking of which, here are some thoughts on what has already been a magnificent tournament:
  • Seems to me, the big loser in this year's Final Four is Kansas coach, Bill Self. Here's a guy who recruited all the players on top-ranked Illinois, and then jumped ship to coach Kansas. Now he has the pleasure of watching his former team, led by the very Gump-like Bruce Weber, battle it out in the Final Four. In fact, he probably watched every minute of the Illinois games, since a very bad Bucknell team sent him packing in the first round. Illinois looks so good, and has such heart, it doesn't make any sense that a coach would leave that program.
  • While we're on the subject, I'm still going with Illinois. Even though they obviously have the least-experienced coach, and everyone is in love again with T to the Izzo, I had them on my otherwise decimated bracket, so there's no reason to jump ship now. That comeback against Arizona now displaces the heartbreak of Pete Eisenreich and Santa Clara for Wildcat fans.
  • Here, I'll go first, "To the Big Ten Conference... I apologize." See how easy that was? I will say this about the Big 10: I formed my opinion of you being a weak conference after watching Illinois go to Wisconsin and to Michigan State and blow out those teams. I thus concluded that Illinois was the only good Big 10 team. Therefore, if they blew those teams out (one who made it to the Final Four, the other to the Elite Eight), does that mean Illinois has been underrated, having carried around the "they play in a weak conference" stigma?
  • Before the ACC Tournament, I was (like many) prepared to pick Wake Forest to go deep. The only reason I didn't was because superstar point guard, Chris Paul, gave NC State's Julius Hodge a shot to the scroat. So I'm glad to see they didn't make it far.
  • Are there any photos circulating around of Duke players after they lost? I'd kill for an image of a dejected Shelden Williams, J.J. Redick, or Billy Packer.
  • Seems like this is a good year for Michigan basketball, first the Pistons win, now Michigan State makes it to the Final Four, and the Michigan State women's team is a win over Stanford away from making the Final Four themselves. Too bad Michigan's basketball team couldn't contribute.
On the Side...
My new Hero in the NBA is Laker point guard, Chucky Atkins. Yesterday, after being asked what the team needs to do from a management perspective to pull them out of their current slump he said, "I ain't the GM of this team, Kobe's the GM of this team. Ask Kobe. You've been watching this [stuff] all year. You've been watching it and I've been playing it."

This is great for two reasons. First, because he called Kobe out, basically saying 'this is the team you wanted, take some responsibility.' Secondly, everyone who's locked horns with Kobe in the past has been promptly shown the door, so if he's lucky he won't have to play for a sinking ship anymore.

As much as I've hated the Lakers, going back to the Bird/Magic Era, my heart goes out to their fans. It's clear now, if Kobe and Shaq could have gotten along they just might have won another 3 (more?) championships, possibly surpassing the Laker accomplishments of the 80's. It's tragic a team that good had to split up due to egos (on all sides). Look on the bright side, though, Celtics fans all sit and wonder how good the 80's team would have been if Len Bias didn't go all Tony Montana after the draft. At least you get to watch Shaq still play.

Today, TK said he favorite player on The White Shadow was Coolidge. Coolidge? -What about Salami?!
Finally, after once again watching Tone Def's pants shrink at the sight of superstar Jay Bilas, I would like to nominate a new man-crush for Tony. Here he is, the ultimate Latin Lover, Raphael Palmerio:

Maybe it was because he was sitting next to Mark McGwire, but Damn! does he look good there! I'm sure we all made the joke already, but Rafie had to be clear he was talking about steroids when he testified he has never taken performance enhancing drugs. Otherwise, he'd immediately get slapped with a perjury charge.
Gettin' wood:

Mexico Schmexico

If you're nuts for International soccer (or happen to live next to a Taqueria), you're probably aware that Mexico beat the U.S. 2-1 in a World Cup qualifier yesterday. By now, most of you are asking either, a) How could I possibly give a crap about that while every NCAA game is going into overtime?, or b) I slightly care. Does this mean America has been eliminated and I won't even have the chance in 2006 to run down the street chanting 'U.S.A., U.S.A.!'?

Well, even though most of you asked 'a', I'm going to answer 'b' because I have nothing to add about the NCAA's other than 'Screw Roy Williams.

The loss for the U.S., while being their first in a long time and a setback, has not eliminated them from World Cup qualifying. They are currently 4th out of 6 in the final bracket and the top 3 teams go. They have several games upcoming against the top teams that will determine their fate. This Wednesday, they play Guatemala, who's in second, and in June play 3rd place Costa Rica. If they lose both of these games, they're pretty much screwed, but don't count on it.

So fear not, jingoistic American, your opportunity to travel to Germany and wave an American flag around until you get pummelled to death by Turks and Albanians is still alive!

Sunday, March 27, 2005

You make the call!

Saturday's college basketball games: Great Comebacks, or Nightmarish Chokes?
  • Louisville over West Virginia 93-85, in overtime. On one hand, you have to hand it to Louisville. Their best player, Francisco Garcia, fouled out with 4 minutes to go in regulation and down by 5. They stayed tough, focused and rode momentum to victory. On the other hand, Damn you, West Virginia! You were up by 20 in the first half and 10 with 5 minutes to go in regulation, not to mention getting out-scored 2-1 in the overtime. Final Analysis: Nightmarish Choke.
  • Illinois over Arizona 90-89, in overtime. With 4 minutes to go in regulation, Arizona was up by 14, and with 1:13 left, the Wildcats led by 8. Maybe it's because I have Illinois in my bracket, but the comeback odds were so much more improbable, and there was no one play that Arizona completely screwed up, so I can't bring myself to blame Arizona. Final Analysis: Great Comeback.

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Fantasy Hell.

I've never been one to over-dramatize my bad luck, but could you pull back and get a shot of my unborn kid, just to see how much pain you've all caused us? Thanks. With that said, I would like to point out the mind-boggling bad fortune I've had with fantasy basketball this year.

Like most fantasy owners, I was positive at the beginning of the season I'd be laying waste to the competition. I should have realized (Pick #11)Vashon Lenard's Week One season-ending injury was merely an omen of bad things to come.

So here's how the rest of the season went:
  • Soon after that, All-Star and man-crush recepient, Andrei Kirilenko(Pick #1) goes out for 2 months with an ankle injury.
  • Not to be out-done, fellow All-Star and all-around super-douche, Ron Artest(Pick #3), decides to give himself the rest of the year off by applying frontier justice to the Detroit fans.
  • No problem! After all, Nene Hilario(Pick #10) will pick up the slack, right? Wrong. His legend becomes much better served by eating Brazilian nuts on the injured list for 2 months (really, it was).
  • Sensing a trend, Zach Randolph(Pick #2) declares this year's under-achieving too much for the Portland fans to endure, and manages a season-ending knee injury.
  • Right on schedule, Eric Dampier(Pick #6), realizes this is not a contract year for him and falls prey to the injury-list charm. Much to his surprise, the same amount of money continues to empty into his banking account while hurt with a foot stress fracture than when he's taking up space on the basketball court.
  • Being a slave to fashion, "Captain Kirk" Hinrich(Pick #4) puts the brakes on the Bulls' improved play and pulls his hamstring.
  • Which brings us back to (Circle of Life, kids) last Thursday's Utah game. A game that I foolishly wagered cash money on in an upstanding Lake Tahoe casino. Realizing my folly, the forces of fate quickly went to work. After returning to action from injury, the aforementioned Siberian nightmare, Andrei Kirilenko(Pick #1), rose from virtual insignificance to the overall monthly ranking of #1, Numero Uno, the big enchilada, and clichés of the like. Riding high on that fleeting achievement, and having the cosmic bad luck of my wagering decision, he waited 3 full minutes before breaking his wrist and ending his season.
"Uncle!" I say.

Having no greater force-of-nature belief to blame, I can confidently say, this year's fantasy victory was simply not meant to be. As it was pointed out to me, if all these guys got together, they would have a hardy laugh over the remote possiblility of some poor bastard drafting them all. In fact, it would be hard to believe. Therefore, to all the players mentioned, I apologize, and hope the Hat-on-the-Bed hex I've delivered soon wears off.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Barry Bonds = Greg Stillson

Remember the movie 'The Dead Zone' with Christopher Walken? Of course you do. Now, remember how that movie ended (spoiler alert for people who just woke up from a 25-year coma)? You know, where Martin Sheen grabs the baby to use as a human shield against an assasination attempt?

When Barry Bonds said the words, "Could you zoom out to get my son in the picture? I want everyone to see who you're hurting here." he officially became the sports world's Greg Stillson, a delusional, sad psychopath, so painfully unaware of the notion of consequences and responsibility that he's just pathetic to watch. Dos this mean that Barry Bonds will start nuclear armageddon unless he's stopped? Maybe. Seriously though, Bonds' problem isn't a meglomaniacal desire to destroy the earth, but rather a complete inability to realize that he's created everything he's suffering from.

As Jon Stewart said the other night on the Daily Show, "I'd like to personally apologize, as part of the media, for calling you skinny and weak 15 years ago and demanding that you do steroids. I'd also like to apologize for daring you to have an affair and cheat on your wife. It was wrong.".

A poll that came out today of likely voters shows Barry Bonds barely getting into the Hall of Fame and Mark McGwire NOT getting in. That's excellent, because it shows that, despite the best efforts of morons like Bud Selig and Donald Fehr, the system works in the end. If you cheat, the immediate rewards are there, but there's a good chance that in the end, your family's name, your history and your legacy will be completely destroyed.

Which brings up a good question. Do you think people like Pete Rose, Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds would have lived their lives any differently if they knew how things would turn out? Were they good people that just made a couple of bad decisions or are they assholes that think life is what you take from it and let the other suckers worry about the rules?

In the end I think that baseball IS better without Barry Bonds. Until he shows he's able to live in the real world where people actually suffer consequences for being an egotistical jerk, then let him sit out for good.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

What's Up With Rachel Nichols?

Rachel's that new ESPN reporter that seems to be everywhere, kind of like Andrea Kramer used to be. They seem to ship her off to another empty stadium every single day to talk for about 30 seconds, especially if it's a Miami Heat game (there's even been speculation that she's stalking Shaqille O'Neal).

I recently read something that said they use her and Jay "Beefcake" Bilas a lot because of the whole HDTV thing, that her and Jay have really blue eyes that show up well on High Def. It's nice to know that in the future, all news and sports will be read by people that have haunting cat's eyes, hypnotizing me to subscribe to the INsider... cable company... tell them to carry ESPN-U..... Perhaps the days of Hypno-toad aren't as far off as we thought.

Oh well, she seems competent enough I guess, but what's up with the way she says 'ESPN'? It's almost like someone catches her in the mouth with a fish hook just as she's wrapping up each time, so she winds up saying, "Rachel Nichols, ESP-eahhhhN".

Speaking of Bilas, stay tuned as we buckle to public demand to lay off Jay-jay and instead focus all of our rage against Duke's biggest apologist, Billy 'Mrs. Redick' Packer.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Williams: "From Now On, I'll Only Smoke Other People's Resin"

Say it ain't so, Ricky! Say that the reports that you've ditched the hippie lettuce are erroneous!! Erroneous!!

Wait a minute, I see what you're doing. Brilliant plan. First, kick weed, then convince Dolphins you're all better and get your 8 million back, then fake an injury in your first or second game back and use the 8 million to buy the world's biggest joint!!!

I found this picture of Ricky from the future. At this point, he's smoked so much weed that he's actually turned into a skinny hispanic woman. Weird!!

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Can't you see he's tired?!

Aside from the inadvertent Lili Von Shtupp(above) reference, there was nothing funny about the Barry Bonds interview today. Bottom line, he might be out for the year, and the chances of a 40+ year old ball player rehabbing back to peak condition after that much time off begs the question of retirement. All that's certain from what he said is that Barry Bonds is tired, specifically of the media.

Looking not at all like the Bonds who aggressively went after all his detractors a month ago, in a dejected tone he told the media:
"You guys wanted to hurt me bad enough, you finally got there. You wanted me to jump off the bridge, I finally have jumped. You wanted to bring me down, you've finally brought me and my family down. Finally done it. From everybody, all of you."
Now, I'm not one to punch a guy when he's down, but what surprised me today wasn't his defeated tone, but the way he still continues to blame all the negativity that surrounds him on the media. Almost as if to say, if only it wasn't reported, then it never happened.

Here's some further speculation from ESPN over what, aside from this 2nd knee surgery in 2 months, is bothering Barry:
  • The way sportswriters crucified Mark McGwire over his refusal to answer questions about steroids in front of Congress, even though other ballplayers sat right next to him and did exactly that.
  • The on-going BALCO steroid investigation, that appears to be aiming directly for him.
  • According to the SF Chronicle, his alleged mistress gave testimony to the BALCO investigation, testimony that he admitted steroid use and about financial matters that could lead to a tax evasion charge.
  • News that the same woman intends to write a tell-all book about their 9 year relationship, which began before his current marriage, was put on hold only briefly, and resumed promptly after his honeymoon.
So today Bonds repeatedly declared himself "tired." "Tired" of his kids crying, and that the media "finally have brought me and my family down." Still, I highly doubt that his kids are crying because of the poor media coverage. In fact, the media is doing exactly what it's supposed to. They didn't fabricate the steroid story out of thin air, they didn't create and cast the role of his mistress, and they didn't write Canseco's book. It increasingly becomes clear that Bonds blames all of his shortcomings on the media's coverage. If they just hadn't reported it, it never would have mattered.

I don't agree.

In fact, it's about time the media stopped publishing fluff-pieces on how great today's players are and point out how impotent the former drug policy was. People complained how ridiculous it was Congress investigated steroids in baseball, but the only reason they did was because baseball's policing of itself became a national joke (not unlike the way people joked about East German athletes taking steroids in the Olympics in the 70's/80's). Considering that the government has granted MLB an anti-trust exemption, one could say they were just protecting their investment.

One last point about the Bonds's view of the media, he refused to begin today until the SF Chronicle beat writer was excused saying,
"I'm never going to talk to you for the rest of my life." What he probably didn't realize was, that reporter isn't responsible for continuing to break the BALCO story. Those guys were probably at home polishing their journalism awards.

PS. Man, can you imagine if you had your fantasy draft last night and picked up Bonds only hours before today's announcement? Damn!

C.U. Next Tuesday...

Devoted Coach, Beloved Aunt, Paul Silas.

There's been a lot of talk since Paul Silas got fired about how black coaches seem to get the 'high-hat' pretty damn quickly these days. Examples include Byron Scott, Mo Cheeks, Johnny Davis etc. And while these are probably good examples of coaches let go when a VanGundy or a Dunleavy would've been given a few more years, there's one thing we have to remember in Silas' case:

He called Carlos Boozer a c*nt!!! Now I'm as foul-mouthed as anyone, but right when I heard that I said to myself, "You can't do that!". Everyone would love to find a reporter and start rattling off the c-word about people you're not too fond of, but every once in awhile, you've got to reel it in a bit. The shame is there's so many other words you could've used that have nearly the impact of 'C to the T' without getting you canned. How about 'Dick'? It's nice and curt and you could always claim that you thought his real name was Richard. Or 'a-hole', it's TV-friendly and has the added benefit of being classifiable, like 'Utah-lovin' A-hole' or 'Alaskan A-hole'.

Just a reminder that, when it comes to insulting your former players, originality is the key. Otherwise, you might lose your job to some twat.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Rome Is Contained

I like Jim Rome. I've listened to his radio program off and on for 12 years now, from back when he was on the 'Mighty 690' broadcast out of Tijuana, Mexico and seemingly reaching every radio in the western hemisphere. His radio takes are consistently laugh-out-loud funny, informative and good theater for scary lunatics who have nothing better to do than call into sports radio and scream for awhile.

So why is it that his TV show 'Jim Rome is Burning' doesn't work? He's not ugly or anything (no homo) and he's definitely got a certain gravitase and charisma that you would think would lend itself well to a PTI style show, so what gives?

Jim Rome's ego is what ultimately kills the show. The thing that funny, abrasive people like Max Kellerman and Tony Kornheiser have learned is that in order to be an asshole, you need to be surrounded by other people who not only get the joke, but are as quick as you. Kornheiser's got Wilbon, Kellerman had (and hopefully will have again) Michael Holley and Bill Wolff. These are smart people who can take the lead host's barbs, pick them apart with analysis and serve them right back at them.

Jim Rome's problem is that for most of his show he's either standing up, staring into the camera and looking confrontational, or he's sitting in a comfy chair looking like he really doesn't give a rat's ass what his interview subject has to say. The only segment on the show where he 'interacts' at all is the 'forum' part of the show where he usually brings on two of three people; his annoying game show host buddy Roger Lodge (from TV's Blind Date, why?), Jim Lampley (who's equally as abrasive and annoying as Rome most of the time. Incredibly knowledgeable but they just cancel each other out) and Jeff Cesario (a 'evening at the improv' era comedian whose jokes range from predictable to awful. His weekly attempt to be the Jay Leno of sports can be seen on his website, here.). Clearly, these three stooges aren't going to provide the Ying to Jim's Yang. He needs someone who is likeable with legitimate sports knowledge who can challenge him, not someone to lob up bad jokes and softballs.

Jim's got the personality to front a really good sports show. If he would just take a step back and realize that most people don't want to see some angry guy stare you down and tell you what to think for half and hour, it could work. Otherwise this show will just go on the slag-heap of other failed attempts to bring sports radio to television.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

The Hits Just Keep Cummin'

Now I know what he's so cheesed off about

Well, any and all sitting around trying to come up with ridiculously contrived circumstances where I might still do well (Let's see, if Southern Illinois wins the whole thing and beats Wake in the final and they let Maryland in for one game and everyone else quits, I'm still in this!) are basically done for.

Just to sum up. Three days in, picked 3 of 8 2nd round games yesterday, have lost both finalists and my winner. The only way I don't finish dead last is if we switch to Bizarro rules.

Here's MY new and improved final four: Washington, Vermont, Arizona, Florida.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Single Elimination.

Yeah, me too.

So condolences to me, who had Syracuse in the final game, and big condolences to cousin Nate, who had them winning it all (it must be in the DNA). Obviously, we both fell for the way Syracuse coasted through the Big East Tournament. Pretty sneaky Boeheim, you heart-breaker. Back to your old ways, I see.

Here's last night's drunken response to the Vermont victory:
For as long as I live, I will not forget the 3 pointer that that dude(T.J. Sorrentine) hit. I honestly would like an explanation of just what the hell he was thinking. It appeared he was running the clock down, but for what? To take an NBA 3? When I saw him pull up and shoot that, I was so happy, thinking he made the mistake of his life. And then it went in. There's no way that's the play the coach drew up. No fucking way. As far as I'm concerned, that was a complete screw-up that worked. Damn. Good for Vermont.
So, here's my revised, second round Final Four:
  • Vermont
  • West Virginia
  • Bucknell
  • University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee
Welcome to my nightmare.

Well... Good For Them....No, Really....

Well, I'm out. Another year, another first round exit from contention in any and all pools.

I ignored my man-crush and it cost me big time. Check the date on that link. I was way into him before any of you so he's mine!!!

My apologies to Jim Boeheim. Next year I promise to pick you going out in the first round like I did in 2003, thus guaranteeing you another national championship.

Here's to a University of Washington vs. Vermont final!!!!

Friday, March 18, 2005


Ha! Those stupid Irish think March Madness involves soccer!!

Alright, we're in the swing of it now, by gum. Phone the kids and wake up the neighbors, hold on to your wigs and keys, cause this train has left the station and ain't stoppin' 'till 'dis 'ere 'scribe stops a'usin' so many quotes in his writin'.

Who's the big loser so far? Three words, hombre, the S.E.C. Right off the bat we were treated to Kentucky squeaking by powerhouse basketball juggernaut Eastern Kentucky, then right after that, we get to watch Alabama lay a big smelly Cleveland Steamer at the feet of Wisconsin-Milwaukee, and finally, later in the evening, those uppity literates from Louisiana State University made UAB look like the 89-90 Runnin' Rebels.

It's time to start treatin' the SEC like what it is, a group of Football schools (except Kentucky) that don't try very hard when it comes to hoops. Give them 1 or 2 bids at most (just use the rules already in place for the MAC).

Alright then, back to the madness!!

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Pickin' my nose with one hand, and picking winning teams with the other

Let me first say that, like most idiots, I have my boyhood homies University of Washington going out in the second round. I do this, not because I think this will happen at all, but because I want to spare myself disappointment and think this puts me in a win-win. Everyone's been 'sleeping upon' those Huskies, but mark my words, Nate Robinson will put a hurt on this years brackets!

My final four: Illini, Demon Deacons, UConn, and the Orangemen, with The Dekes riding Chris Paul's bitch ass all the way to the champ-een-ship.

Oh yeah, and happy Saint Paddy's. NOW you have an excuse to get drunk!!!

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Who You Got?

I'll make this short, for I want to get a good night's sleep before getting up to drink at 9 in the morning tomorrow. Ma Final Fo:
  • Syracuse
  • Illinois
  • Georgia Tech
  • UConn
And I got Illinois over Syracuse in the final. That's a man's board!

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Here's some inspiration:

Happy Thanksgiving!

Despite what you've been conditioned to believe, today is the true Thanksgiving celebration. In fact, instead of people throwing around useless statistics about the effect the tournament has on office productivity, these next 4 days should be declared national holidays for everyone to enjoy. Therefore, what better day than today to reflect on all your good fortune? Feel free to address whichever deity you prefer, be that spirit, demigod, animal, plant, rock, DVD, or television personality.

[Just an aside here, the popular version of Thanksgiving is a load of shit. "Yes, let's celebrate the last time the Native Americans sat at a table with colonists before they fell victim to the most systematic and extensive genocide the world has ever known, all at the hands of their dinner hosts." It's like Chris Rock says, (paraphrasing) "A lot of people have had it bad, but no one's had it worse than the American Indians. How do I know? Because there's none of them left! Where are they?!" Sand and true.]

So let's all do our part and set aside a little time to reflect on our good fortune. Here, I'll go first:
I'm thankful that everyone I know is healthy (especially Oswald), that I have lots of friends, that I am unemployed during this Holiest of sporting events, that I live where I do, that downloading music remains a virtually unprosecutable crime, that my Tivo continues to predict the inner workings of my soul, that Illinois is the best team in the country and is about to win it all, and finally for a little television show that will remain nameless.
See how easy that was?

I'd also like to reflect on my (yes) good fortune, having been recently laid off. Ordinarily, this time of year, I'm thankful for my former company's generous sick-day policy, but this year there's no need to fake a cough into a phone. There truly are cosmic forces at work here.

This year is exactly what I used to dream about as a young child, "Can you imagine if you were unemployed during the tournament, St. Patrick's Day was the first round of games, and the Congressional Hearings on Steroids were all on the same day?!" Think fondly of Bourdet, Andrew, and I, all in perfect health, sitting down tomorrow for a green breakfast beer at Zeke's and watching the Kentucky/Eastern Kentucky game. Life is good.

Now for a little perspective: former University of Washington head football coach Rick Neuheisel was fired two years ago for participating in a college basketball pool. Although he wagered much more than you did (I hope), that bracket you intend to fill out on company time while the boss is in a meeting today is obviously a punishable offense. So keep it up you rebels! It's the American Way!

The Neuheisel story does have a happy ending, though. Last week he "settled" his wrongful termination lawsuit against the NCAA to the tune of $4.5 Million dollars. I think, just to be a jerk, he should publicly let a million of that ride on a tournament pool. He would then be the patron saint of gambling and celebrated all throughout Vegas. Anyone know who he's got winning the tournament?

Tournament picks coming soon...

Tuesday, March 15, 2005


At PTE, we get so many emails, our staff can hardly handle all the traffic. Instead of disregarding them like Congressional Subpoenas, we've decided to share some with you.

Letter #1...
  • "Guys, your website has the momentum of a runaway freight train, why are you so popular? -L. Simpson
Jeff: Tough question. Some people respond to our bold "tell it like it is" statements, others to the ease and style with which we deconstruct the complex world of the sports spectator, but if I had to choose one thing, it would have to be, animal magnetism. People just seem to pick up on our cyber-pheromones and can't control themselves.

Letter #2...
  • "Why are you guys so hell bent on destroying all Earthly evidence of Jay Bilas?" -Kundun
Jeff: I'll handle this one. Jay Bilas deserves any and all the abuse he gets. Why? Because he showed me the time of my life one night and I assumed he would call back! I still have emotional scars with his name all over them. You don't just "get over" something like that easily.

Letter #3...
  • "What makes the PTE guys tick, and can I get me some of that sweetness?" -Dasha Zhukova
Jeff: I thought I'd never get tired of answering this question, but I guess I was wrong. Here's the news ladies: Andrew is married, and not one of those "Green Card" marriages either, a real one. And while I'm not married, like most bloggers, I only date supermodels and naïve actresses. Still, I've never been one to crush people's fragile dreams, so you keep going to the gym, and we'll talk about it when you turn 18.

Letter #4...
  • "Can we get a glimpse of your faces? -Purely for crowd identification purposes." -Lee Harvey O.
Jeff: Unfortunately, due to some of Andrew's "religious beliefs" there aren't too many recent photos of the two of us. Still, here's an old photo of us after college graduation (circa 2003), moving cross-country to the West Coast: Andrew and Jeff.

Monday, March 14, 2005

America's newest pasttime... Bilas-Bashing!

Jay, I understand sticking to your guns, after all, Willie Bon's flip-flop on G-Tech this year was probably the best since Roy Munson decided to go ahead and make some supplemental income, but let's not get delusional.

I know you love UNC, and I was surprised to hear you're taking Illinois over the Tar Heels in the final game, but disparaging Georgia Tech's performance in the ACC tournament today, implying that they were lucky to beat UNC, is ridiculous.

On Georgia Tech: "I just don't think they're playing great. They had a great game against North Carolina. Honestly, though, if North Carolina had shown up to play defensively and had brought the blue collar attitude with them... I think North Carolina would have advanced and won the ACC Tournament."

Now, I don't know what Hypno-Germs have gotten into your head, but someone over at the Duke Medical School had better come up with a cure. I mean, you've already started to believe in Roy Williams, and that's got to be the first sign of affliction. Who knows, tomorrow you might start spouting off about how unappreciated Pete Chilcutt and King Rice were, and from there, it's all over!

I say these things not merely to be funny. For, it may be true that UNC is the "most talented team" in the tournament as Jay asserts, but these are the facts of UNC's last 3 games: they needed a furious comeback to beat Duke in Chapel Hill, they needed a furious comeback to beat CLEMSON (a #9 seed in the ACC tournament!), they never saw the lead in the final 14 minutes against Georgia Tech, and Roy Williams is their coach.

It's time for an intervention! "Jay, baby, we're all here because we love you, but that Carolina-blue powder you're snorting like Gary McLain in the Presidential Rose Garden? -It ain't good for you and you need to quit. We're all worried about you, man."

I nominate T to the K to head this intervention, as soon as he stops drooling over Bilas.

Hoops Hoops and More Hoops

We're gonna need more Cheese...

UMass fired Steve 'Rat' Lappas today.

For the next three weeks, I'm not caring about baseball, football, hockey, women's lacrosse, you name it. If anyone needs me I'll be sitting indian style with my tattered copy of Street & Smith's in my lap.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

But My Precious Legacy!!

About the Congressional steroid hearings, the fearless Jose Canseco said last week: "It's easy to lie to the public, but lie under oath, and you're going to jail." Trust him, he knows a little bit about what can land you in jail, and not because he wants to be a lawyer.

So, despite all the weak excuses MLB is parading out for not wanting to comply with the issued subpoenas, is it possible Canseco's assessment is the most influencing factor? Could be...

Especially so, now that it's been leaked that Mark McGwire was (spoiler alert!) taking steroids. Now I can see why Big Mac wouldn't want to show up. If they ask him, "Did you take steroids?" and he says no. He would hate to watch them open up a large investigation report and say, "Well, we have 5 witnesses who all testified that you did." In that case, not only will he be open to perjury charges, but the legacy he "worked so hard" to create will all have evaporated. (In fact, he worked so hard at that legacy, he had to retire 2 and a half years after setting the home run record, almost as if his body was failing under the weight of his achievement!)

For a moment let's just set aside the rising use of steroids in high school kids or where they ever got the crazy idea that it's okay to take them, for professional athletes, I can actually see why steroids are appealing. In fact, there's plenty of incentive to take steroids. I honestly feel bad for the guy who has truly maxed out on his ability and he's still not doing that well. For those athletes, they look around them, see other successful players taking steroids, know that if their game improves they get to play more, get more notoriety, larger contracts and more endorsement deals. So for those guys, who also see it as providing for their families, I understand the risks they're prepared to take. But they have to understand, if you get caught, all the negative consequences that come your way were part of the wager.

Which brings us back to McGwire. I know this is commonplace, and I shouldn't be so upset about this happening anymore, but it was just a fucking month ago that he once again denied taking steroids. And I know Giambi denied it on television only days after testifying in court that he did, and that Pete Rose eventually admitted to gambling on baseball after years of denying it, and that Jamal Lewis profusely denied taking part in a drug deal, a charge he plea-bargained his way into jail for, but isn't anyone else getting sick of this? Why do they even have interviews with athletes on ESPN, if no one can believe them? Pretty soon, all fans will assume players have such little integrity (look it up, Artest!) that all sports interview shows will be fluff-pieces like Cold Pizza, where you only tune in to see the failed attempt to turn grumpy old men like Skip Bayless and Woody Paige into likable morning personalities.

So it seems Canseco was right, it is easy to lie to the public.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Heathens Continue Their Dominance of College Athletics

Over the last few days I've been watching as teams like Oral Roberts University, Notre Dame, Sacred Heart and now Holy Cross have gotten their asses handed to them in the NCAA conference tournaments.

All I can say is you're free to believe in Jesus if you want, but it's pretty clear that college hoops is not his game. In fact, he sent one of his biggest followers, Dwight Howard, straight to the NBA which leads me to believe he doesn't like the NCAA at all.

And while I'm talking about The College of The Holy Cross, it's nice to see the classy young men and women that attend that devout, jesuit, Worcester, Mass. institution all chanting 'Bull-Shit' at the top of their lungs after every call goes against them. Clearly a 'What Would Jesus shout wicked loud?' type of situation.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Nice Olympics You Got Here... Be A Shame If Something Happened To It

Can anyone there tell the difference?

So supposedly Lance Armstrong's in hot water because he says he'd rather see Paris get the Olympics in 2012 instead of New York. Good for him.

I remember when I used to watch the Olympics to see far away lands. Places like Barcelona, Sarajevo, Munich and Lillehammer. Now it seems like every 4 years either the winter or summer games is in the U.S. somewhere. I already knew that Salt Lake City and Atlanta were boring places, I didn't need Juan Antonio Sammaranch and his band of corrupt blowjob recepients raping the local taxpayers to find out.

And corruption is why I don't want the Olympics anywhere near New York. I've lived in New York, I've worked in New York, and there's no more corrupt city in this nation than New York. You can't put up a new mailbox in front of your house without greasing the palms of ten guys named Vincent, so what exactly makes anyone think that stadiums and venues would go up overnight without screwing the people that live and work there out of even more money than the city already does?

Did you know that when you live in New York, you have to pay a 'city tax' at the end of the year? It's about 5%. So when you tack that on to Federal Tax, State Tax, your $2500 per month apartment and one of the highest sales taxes in the country, it's ALREADY expensive as hell to live in NYC. Having the Olympics there would make a bad situation worse. Viva la France!!

Pooch-Screwing 101

Which one's the douche, and which one's the bag?

You really have to hand it to MLB, they couldn't have screwed up the Congressional Steroid Investigation more. Here's how things developed:
  1. Congress politely "invites" players to come to Washington to testify at the hearing.
  2. With the exception of pariah Jose Canseco, the players one by one politely "decline" the invitation, some coming up with beautifully lame excuses like "Big (always) Hurt" Frank Thomas, who said his rehab prevents him from flying, although he managed to travel to Spring Training.
  3. Congress not-so-politely issues subpoenas to the players, mandating they testify.
  4. Game over, right? In the words of Charlie Murphy, "Wrong! Wrong. We're talking about [Major League Baseball] here!" So what do they do?
  5. Enter douchebag extraordinaire and executive vice president, Rob Manfred, who calmly says to Bud Selig and the players, "Let me handle this, guys," and informs the United States Congress that they're not going to comply with the subpoenas.
And that!, in a nutshell, is the Sistine Chapel of Pooch Screwing. Doesn't anyone over there understand Public Relations? Can't they appreciate how bad they'll look if they only player who complies is Jose Canseco? -The guy everyone is calling an incorrigible liar and opportunist?

What worse, I honestly believe the entire proceedings were thrown together by Congress, to give the players a chance to clear their name. There was absolutely no indication they were going to do anything other than lob softballs at the players, let them give smiling stock answers, and ultimately affix the often used "INCONCLUSIVE" rubber stamp to page one of their report.

Not to make the ball players jealous, but politicians are masters of tip-toeing around huge issues like this and getting nothing done. In fact, I haven't seen one interview where a representative of the investigation has said he intends to ask point-blank "Have you ever taken steroids?" As nice as that might have been for the players, you can forget it now, thanks to your arrogance and failure to comply. So if it gets ugly, guys, you only have yourself to blame.

For further thoughts on this new brand of arrogance, check out ma boy, Ray Ratto:
Baseball Needs to Talk

btw, here's Barry Bonds's new walk-up music:
this is an audio post - click to play

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Today's Special, Sour Grapes...

Alright, time for some good old fashioned venting:

Let's start with Jack Nicklaus, whining about how it's all about big drives now and that players like Tiger are ruining the game. Ex-queeze me!?? I don't recall the game being a lot more popular when it was nothing but old grey-haired white men gasping for breath after each putt just trying to make it to 18 so they could get drunk. Believe it or not, Jack, the game is in its golden age right now and didn't peak with Fuzzy Zoeller.

Next is Walter Cronkite, saying that kindly old man Bob Schieffer would have been a better anchor than Dan Rather for CBS for all these years. Thanks for the Happy Retirement wishes, you bitter old asshole. I'm pretty sure that the last time anybody gave a rat's ass what Cronkite had to say John Kennedy had a fresh new hole in his head. Hurry up and die already so that I don't have to keep saying to myself, "He's still alive?".

And finally, here's two fingers crossed that TK's admission that it's 'over' between him and Tonya Harding is the last we'll hear of that hatchet-faced, backwoods, double-wide dwelling skank. I hope that transvestite kicks your ass.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Confessions of a Stat-Boy Wannabe.

Before I turbo jump into full Silky Johnson-Playa Hating mode, let me first say that the battle in the middle between Shelden Williams and Sean May last weekend in the UNC/Duke game was amazing. The only match-up I can compare it to in my lifetime was Patrick Ewing and Akeem Olajuwon in that Georgetown/Houston championship, only this one was better. I do a lot of joking about Shelden, but he was amazing in that game. And Sean May was doing everything for UNC. The best moment was when May saw Duke getting ready to send in a substitute to rest Shelden, he then signaled to Roy Williams that he needed a break as well. When Shelden waived off the substitute, May immediately did the same thing. Effectively saying, "It's on."

I'm still not convinced about UNC winning it all, although everyone is going to pick them. Clearly, they have the best team on paper, and by some estimates 6 future pros. Still, as Lisa pointed out, "Roy Williams = losing in the tournament." Sunday's comeback was amazing, but is anyone else concerned about that stretch in the second half where they made a full ONE basket in 9 minutes? With the "One loss and your out" nature of the tournament, teams capable of going that cold for that long scare me. If they happen to go cold just as their opponent gets hot, I don't care how many pros they have, even Santa Clara can beat them.

Speaking of pros on college teams (here comes the hating), yesterday our beloved TK said of the last undefeated NCAA basketball team, "I remember that Indiana team from 1976 so fondly, they had 6 pros! I thought they were such a great team, I get worried when another team comes in undefeated."

For the record, here are your 6 Hoosier pros from that team:
  • Kent Benson, Milwaukee 1978-80, Detroit 1980-86, Utah 1986-87, Cleveland 1987
  • Tom Abernethy, Lakers 1977, 1978, Golden State 1979-81, Indiana 1981
  • Scott May, Chicago 1977-81, Milwaukee 1982, Detroit 1983
  • Quinn Buckner, Milwaukee 1977-82, Boston 1983-85, Indiana 1986
  • Bob Wilkerson, Seattle 1977, Denver 1978-80, Chicago 1981, Cleveland 1982-83
  • Wayne Radford, Indiana 1979
If Q. Buckner hadn't gotten run out of every coaching job he ever had, these pros would be completely forgettable. (Btw, the best part of research, is being reminded of things you might have forgotten. -Like the greatest basketball name of all time, former Hoosier, Ewe Blab! Drop to your knees and forsake all others in front of Blab!!!)

So come on, guys! You gonna let these dudes show you up?


Watching Tone Def once again fawn over SuperStar Jay Bilas, I think we should do our own Food Chain on who TK loves most. Here are the first 3 nominations: Jay Bilas, Marat Safin's Girlfriend, and Tom Brady. Do I hear any more nominations?

And I still got a little left over for you, Wilbon. Whaddup with not knowing what state Niagara (as in Falls) is in? I could almost see his geography professor at Northwestern clutching his chest.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Bilas Exposed!!

While Wilbon was busy making the claim to Jay Bilas that at some point Buck Williams and/or Sam (doin' the butt) Perkins achieved the same 26 point/24 rebound stat that Sean May got yesterday in UNC's amazing comeback against Duke, my thought wasn't that Wilbon was full of shit, but that Jay 'Always full of shit' BILAS was full of shit. At one point, Bilas boasted that it took him THREE games to get TWENTY FOUR rebounds. Yes, terribly disappointing for loudmouth Bilas to only get EIGHT rebounds per game, IF THAT WERE TRUE... (gasp, murmur).

According to the cold, hard statistics, Mr. Bilas in his best season of 84-85 only managed to pull down a Antonio Lang, Alaa Abdelnaby-esque SIX rebounds a game, which, by my math would only get you EIGHTEEN over a three game period.

So Jay? When was this mystical season when you averaged 24 rebounds over a three game period and were 1/3 as good as Sean May? When are you going to admit that you're Greg Koubeck with a smart haircut?

Practice Your Soccer, Guys!

Just to let you know, if you look like this

and can play soccer, you'll land a fiancee like this:

If she'd only shack up with a tennis player, she could be the new next Mrs. Kornheiser.

By the way, that's Ronaldo and Daniela Cicarelli

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Illinois Knocked Off by Ohio State, Clark Kellogg To Wed Michael Holley.

Well, Indiana no longer has to worry. The only worthwhile thing that's ever happened in their state will survive another year. In a dramatic, last minute mini-comeback, THE Ohio State University punk'd Illinois to put an end to their quest for a completely undefeated season.

Bad loss for the Illini. Now they have to quickly get back their composure and try to regain the swagger they've had all year in less than a week. As far as I'm concerned, their odds for winning the whole thing just dropped dramatically. My final four picks right now would be Wake Forest, Kansas, Syracuse and Louisville. No way Roy Williams is going final four, and no way Illinois completely recovers from today's loss.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Welcome to Fantasy Island!

This island is inhabited solely by obsessed baseball beancounters, always ready to throw down the gauntlet at the mere hinting of a "The best second baseman is..." assertion.

I can hear the conversation now:
"What's his fantasy, boss?"
"Aah, Tattoo, his fantasy is to correctly pick the best catcher in the league, have a team that stays healthy for the entire season, and go on a date, with a woman, during the All-Star break."
"That's not going to be easy, boss."
"I know, Tattoo"
I read once that virtually any court case can be won or lost during jury selection. Friends have told me the same is true for fantasy baseball. -Have a good draft, and you're two thirds the way to the trophy. So, as I clinically research all my "sleeper" & "lock" picks, I realize that, along with the usual fantasy pitfalls of durability and production, there's added difficulty in this year's draft. Specifically, age and steroids.

Age is simple; is this the year aging wonders like Roger Clemens, Randy Johnson, John Smoltz and Barry Bonds all hit the wall?

Barry Bonds? That reminds me -steroids! Here's the real problem. Along with the new, more stringent steroid testing that Bud Selig expects to "effectively rid our sport of steroids", many people expect hitting production to plummet. Indeed, Der Kornheiser has set the bar at 50 home runs for Barry Bonds, saying if he doesn't hit at least that many, then the whole world will look at it as proof that he was on steroids.

(On a side note, there are still nay-sayers amongst us who point out that, despite the new testing, over 100 different types of steroids have been synthesized since 1990, not all of which are tested for in MLB. In fact, that was the Victor Conte promise, that the clear and the cream were undetectable by MLB testing. So keep that in mind!)

So what's it gonna be, fantasy owners? Are you like me and beginning to lose faith in suspiciously bulked-up power-hitters? Are the reports of players mentioned in a certain Jucied book, showing up to spring training vastly underweight giving you draft anxiety dreams?

Let me share with you what I've heard. Pudge Rodriguez and Sammy Sosa have mysteriously lost over 20 pounds each. The two major pick-ups of the Mariners (Beltre and Sexton) are steroid poster-boys. Giambi has admitted using in court and has had every affliction from the flu to parasites. Gary Sheffield was also called to testify in the BALCO case. So all those guys are clear risks (although Sheff had a great year last year).

My question to you is, what about the other guys? Here's a list of players I think are not on steroids (although, I've been wrong before): A-Rod, Vlad, Soriano, Manny, Phat Albert, Ichiro, Jeter, Nomar, Javy Lopez, Chris Crawford, Chone Figgins, Juan Pierre, Torii Hunter, Jeff Kent, Johnny Damon, & Jose Posada.

Now here's a list of guys I just can't tell: Beltran, Tejada, Rolen, Helton, Abreu, Thome, Teixeira, Chavez, Mora, David Ortiz, Aramis Ramírez, Jim Edmonds, & Blalock.

Feel free to add to my lists and correct me where you think fit. Again, none of this will matter if the steroid problem is over-exaggerated or if the new testing is as easy to get around as some think. Still, n
o one wants to draft the next Brady Anderson out there, so let's help each other out.

Improv at it's finest.

Is it me, or are the Maryland fans getting funnier by the game? Posted by Hello

Friday, March 04, 2005

Can...You...Dig It?

Today on the show, it was discussed how unbelievable it is that the Lakers will quite probably miss the playoffs altogether this year. While I concede that I didn't think they would be THIS bad, it fills me with great joy to see people as egotistic and full of themselves as Kobe Bryant and Jerry Buss get their come-uppance.

As much as I enjoyed the collapse of Da Bulls, this is even more enjoyable than watching Jerry Krause go down in flames in Chicago was. I wouldn't even refer to it as 'Schadenfraude' because that involves taking joy in watching 'anyone' suffer. It's much much more enjoyable when big-headed jerks call their shot, when they stand up at the top of the mountain and scream to the world, "I am brilliant. It's all my fault that we rule and I'll prove it by getting rid of everyone but me.". After Jerry Buss shit-canned everyone but his 'golden boy', it is so much fun watching them stink up the NBA.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005


Unfortunately, none of my research upon the ski slopes of Utah has resulted in any conclusive answers for the age-old question of what a Ute is. Fear not, though, I intend on revisiting this conundrum as early as next season's first snowfall there. For, if there's one thing the good people of Utah love, it's loud-mouthed Californians asking them stupid questions on the ski-lift.

Until I get myself caught up on all the sports developments of the weekend (all I've been able to piece together is that Jon Cheney broke Antione Walker's arm for saying Chris Webber sucks), here's my favorite part of last month's ESPN (the magazine!):

(your boy) Dan Le Batard to Jose Canseco:

DL: Are you happy?
JC: Define your terms.
DL: Define them however you'd like.
JC: Okay. No, I'm not happy.

In the words of Derek Smalls, "There's a fine line between genius and stupid." I think I know which one Jose is.

No Mo Cheeks

"Helping an embarrassed little girl? Don't you know that's against team policy?"

In what must be a devastating blow to his street cred and 'thuggishness', Maurice Cheeks was let go by the Portland Trailgangstas today. Oh well, I guess he just wasn't able to keep up with mental giants like Darius Miles and Damon Stoudamire. Perhaps the Blazers players just got tired of giving Mo the answers to that days New York Times Crossword Puzzle or are looking for a coach who doesn't pretend to know about medieval literature when his knowledge clearly doesn't extend beyond a few quotes of Chaucer. Or maybe it's that he's a legitimately good coach and a nice guy and Portland has spent the last 10 years trying to turn the Rose Garden into the country's only prison without bars.

Of course, the natural fit at this point for Portland would be John 'leader of the goon squad' Chaney...

Hey Ruben Patterson, sweep the leg!!

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Anatomy of A Toss-Up Ass-Kicking

Ok, usually it's not nearly the blowout that TK makes it sound like, but today's tossup made Wilbon look like a fool. Let's get the first one over the loudspeaker!

1 - Wilbon tries to make the point that the VIKINGS made out better in the Moss trade! Sure they did. And if the Cavaliers trade LeBron for Jameer Nelson and a second round pick tomorrow, it'll be good for the Cavs because they can always use that pick to take Luke Schensher of Georgia Tech.

2 - Wilbon would choose Maurice (can drink a 40 faster than run one) Clarett over Ricky Williams because 'Maurice wants to play'. I wanna play too, does that mean I'm better than a guy who can guarantee you 1500 yards?

3 - They both take the Pistons to make it to the finals before the Heat just to suck up to their boy Larry Brown. The chicken-like equivalent of a 'push'.

4 - Wilbon blames Luke Walton for passing up the final shot against the Knicks. I like Kornheiser's point, however, that Kobe has them all too scared to take a shot and Walton was just looking to get the ball to the 'franchise'. Point to TK.

5 - Wilbon sort of takes Barry Bonds to collapse before Roger Clemens because of his arthritic knees, and "when they go, they go". As if Bonds is going to strut up to the plate one day and just drop to the ground and clutch his knees and do his best Redd Foxx, "Oh! Felipe! It's the big one...".

C'mon Wilbon, you gotta bring it better than that!