Friday, April 29, 2005

Pinella is douche

Now there's a haircut you can set your watch to.

A little pressed for time at the moment, but I just gotta get off a short response about the Pinella/Schilling feud.

As much as I appreciate everything Lou did for the Mariners in the '90s, there's just no doubt that this man is a world-class pantload. Everything Schilling said was dead on. His response that 'he didn't pitch the ball' was garbage. Yes, I suppose managers never have any say in what their players do. That's why they're giving Pinella all that money, so he can have no influence on what happens during the game.

And my favorite part was Lou asking around the clubhouse if anyone's ever called him an idiot. They said 'no', and why would anyone lie if their bi-polar, foaming at the mouth jackass of a boss asked them that? The comparison drawn on yesterday's show to Bobby Knight is apt. According to former coaches, Pinella was an asshole who didn't listen as a player and he's an asshole on the bench as well. Realizing he has nothing in the way of talent in Tampa, he's going the 'thug' route and trying to turn them into a bunch of cheap-shot artists.

Lou should hurry up and retire so they can bring someone level-headed like Jose Canseco to manage the team.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Baseball's Latest Competitive Advantage.

Here's the latest de-demonizing argument for why it shouldn't matter if a baseball player has been pumped with more steroids than a cow on the way to the slaughterhouse:

The Beam in Your Eye

Granted, it's written by a political correspondent, not a sportswriter, and his angle is more about the advantages of Laser Eye surgery than steroids, but it's become a more common argument why steroids don't improve hitting recently. That being: so what if steroids improve eyesight? -So does laser eye surgery and contacts.

This argument, by definition, is a red herring. Asking, "Well, why aren't contact lenses illegal? -They improve eyesight as well," only serves to distract from the many other performance enhancing benefits of steroids. If all steroids did was improve eyesight, maybe they would be legal (let's just forget about the 35 pounds of muscle that comes along with the sharpened eyesight). Besides, there are two major reasons why people point out the eyesight benefits of steroids.
  1. Primarily, because all the indomitable Barry Bonds defenders chant, "Hitting is all hand-eye coordination. Steroids can't improve that." Which sounded rational to a lot of people, but if steroids do improve eyesight, it has to contribute to hand-eye coordination (I'd say about 50%. Get it? Hand/eye? Is this microphone on?). Now the argument shifts from "Steroids don't improve eyesight." to "(Forget that my earlier statement was wrong) Contact lenses and LASIK improves eyesight as well, so how come they're not illegal?" Personally, I can't wait to see what the next mutation of this argument becomes.
  2. (I saw this happen to an announcer again while watching the Braves-Astros game the other day. Can you tell I'm unemployed?) People are incredulous to learn that a chemical can dramatically sharpen eyesight, myself included. Call it fear of technology, medicine, biochemistry, whatever. -The fact that steroids can dramatically improve something that I assumed was a god-given state like eyesight (or the breaking down thereof), without physical augmentation like contacts & laser beams, makes me wonder what other benefits inherently comes along with steroids. For instance, can it speed up reflexes and muscle responses, AKA Bat Speed? Does that sound ridiculous? -Because I was told only months ago that thinking it improves eyesight is ridiculous.
Finally, the basic reason why all this is important is that it's vital to competition. Do I really think the government should arrest people doing steroids at the gym? -Smoking pot in the park? -Dropping ecstasy at a rave? Absolutely not. But do I think a professional athlete who uses steroids to gain an advantage and thus the mountain of rewards and accolades that comes along with that success, should be tested for performance enhancing drugs? Absolutely.

Besides, the writer above points out how stupid one would have to be to buy steroids off the street and use them. But, if you're a rich professional athlete who can afford the best, undetectable drugs, under the management the best trainers money can buy, that's completely different!

Part of competitive sports, unlike the real world, is that there are rules to ensure fair competition (small market baseball teams would dispute this from an economic point of view). The student who takes Ritalin to focus and study for a test, might be ethically guilty in some people's eyes, but there's no rule in place in the class room against it. In sports, the leagues are (finally) saying, "We've determined that these substances unfairly improve performance, so to ensure competition, we're going to make them illegal." And, yeah, steroid precursors like McGwire's Andro should have been illegal when he was playing. Remember, ecstasy and cocaine were legal for years until people started to abuse them.

The only solace I take in what will undoubtedly go down as "The Steroid Era" is that McGwire, Bonds, Giambi, & Sosa, never won the World Series, although Canseco did way back when. Sure, we all had fun wondering if McGwire would break Maris's record, and if Bonds would break McGwire's, but (save for the Bonds Giant team who made it to the World Series) most of those teams were all one-trick ponies.

Now, if you had a whole team on steroids....Hhhmmm....

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Who Wants To Sex Mutombo?

Check out this site while it's still up.

Just in case it does get taken down like the webmaster is threatening to do, I'll copy off some of the text so you get the idea.

The "Who wants to sex Mutombo?" Story

In the summer of 2001, a listener called in to Jim Rome's syndicated radio show, at the time known as "The Jungle" or "The Jim Rome Show." The caller reported that he was in Georgetown one night in the early 1990's, when basketball player Dikembe Mutombo was a big star there. The caller was in a bar frequented by Georgetown students, when Mutombo came in the door. The bar went silent as everyone turned to look at the 7'2" African. Mutombo responded to the attention by bellowing, in a deep and echoing African accent, "WHO WANTS TO SEX MUTOMBO?!??"

Who is Mutombo?

Dikembe Mutombo is a native of the Congo, who attended Georgetown University on a scholarship. He was convinced to join the basketball team, and was later drafted and became a fairly well known star in the NBA, playing as a center for the Nuggets, Hawks, 76ers, Nets, Knicks, and Rockets. In 2001, Mutombo was named the "Number 1 Good Guy in Pro Sports" by The Sporting News. Read the article here. Mutombo has been heralded for his charity work in the Congo, where he personally donated $3.5 million to build a hospital, and helped raise countless other donations. Mutombo is 38 years old.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

What In The Roy Tarpley Is Going On Here?

Nellie: Where the hell's the beer guy?
Avery: Sa-da-Tay!

Since it's never too early to give up and start casting blame, the time has come to name a scapegoat for the collapse of the Dallas Mavericks.

While I'd love to pin it on Avery 'Baby Fishmouth' Johnson, I think Don Nelson deserves most of the heat on this one. How nice of him to be completely uninterested for most of the season and then just up and leave the team like he just couldn't keep his eyes open long enough to coach anymore. Even if Avery's the second coming of Red Auerbach, changing a coach midway through the season and handing the reigns off to anyone but George Karl is a recipe for disaster. It didn't exactly work out well for the Lakers or Cavaliers did it?

The playoffs are when you need a good coach the most. Anyone with a pulse can roll the balls out for 82 games during the regular season, but when you play the same team for possibly seven games in a row, you may need some well thought out strategies in order to win. I'm not sure if Avery Johnson's the guy to provide that kind of strategy. Hell, I don't even know if anyone on the team can understand a goddamn word he says.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Pipe down, NFL Draft Blow-Hards!

Enough! Admittedly, I watched part of the first round, but now the constant over-analysis polluting SportsCenter makes me wish for that time back. I can understand covering first and second round "impact" players, but analyzing who the "steals" were during the draft's second day, it just television filler.

As a Pats fan, I know all about Tom Brady getting taken in the sixth round and turning into a superstar, but ESPN would have you believe it's going to happen every year. And you know what? It does. In fact, there are guys on last year's Pats team, who started in the Super Bowl and who were NEVER drafted. We just don't care because they don't play glory positions.

The worst aspect of all the late draft over-analysis is that no one's ever going to remember what Kiper said. He might be completely wrong about the great offensive linemen San Diego drafted in day two, but will anyone call him on it if they don't work out? Granted, I will remember his high praise of Mike Williams if he turns out to be a bust, and a first round pick like Williams does deserve attention, but all this late draft postulating is enough hot air to float a balloon. Until ESPN Classic burns a time-slot on The 50 Best NFL Drafts of all Time, which I'm sure is in development, SportCenter will continue to promote this glorified bathroom break.

So let's move on...

Okay, we all know Ricky Davis is an idiot, and not one of those good idiots. In an interview, Doc Rivers said Ricky is crazy. That, in fact, Ricky tells Doc, "You know, I'm crazy." To which Doc just responds, "Yes, I know." So this whole thing about him saying 'get the brooms out' in the huddle of the game 1 blow-out should be given the same credence if it was said by a toothless and insane street lunatic. Still, Indiana didn't need the motivation.

Reggie Miller had a great career, but for the sake of the casual viewer, I wish he hadn't announced his retirement until the season was over. That way we all be spared hearing John Thompson and Rex Walters slurp up every detail of every nanosecond he's on the court. I'm definitely going to miss him out there, and he probably shouldn't even be retiring, but if it means I don't have to hear how brilliant his back-cuts and hesitations are from gushing announcers, then enjoy your time off Reggie!

And Damn is Dallas making my picks look bad. Or is Houston making my mid-season review look good?

Results Of PTE's Fact Finding Mission...

In what's bound to be a shock to anyone without even the most simple understanding of California geography, my trip to the O.C. over the weekend uncovered something I'd suspected, but hadn't completely proven.

The 'Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim' is the stupidest sports team name in the history of the world. Every single person that lives in either L.A. or Anaheim (because, you see, they are in fact, different places) HATES the new moniker. The last thing the ultra-white neo-con inbreeders of Orange County want is to be associated with Los Angeles and the last thing that the Gansta-lovin, Drive-by criminals in South Central want is to be associated with Anaheim. It's a lose-lose situation.

The point of all this was, according to the team, to make the team more marketable, but aside from children buying counterfeit T-shirts in Indonesia, who is suddenly going to think that the Angels have a lot more street cred because they're now associated with the thug-life in L.A.?

If you're going to add cities willy-nilly to your team name in the hopes of increasing marketability, why didn't they just name the team the 'New York Angels of Anaheim' or 'The Mexico City/Tokyo/Mumbai Angels of Fullerton'?

Saturday, April 23, 2005

More to come in Detroit?

I'm no Mel Kiper disciple, but I have the feeling he's right that Mike Williams is vastly underrated in this morning's draft. I know he sat out last year, but in his final year as USC, it looked like he could do anything he wanted on the football field. His size alone (6'5") gives him an advantage in the NFL.

Detroit drafting him currently makes no sense, since they already have super-rookie Roy Williams, Az Hakim, and Charles Rodgers for wide-outs. All that tells me is they're open to trading any one (or two) of those guys before the season starts. -So this might just be part of an overall series of moves to come for the Lions.

I would assume the players themselves, along with fantasy owners, would want them to move some of those guys out, if for no other reason than to prevent their production from getting fractioned off. My suggestion, dump Rodgers and Hakim. -You can even do it today, trade 'em for draft choices and fortify your porous defense. That leaves you the Williams brothers (Roy and Mike) as your wide outs. Aye, that strategy worked for the Pistons when they shored up the Wallace Brothers (Ben and Rasheed) last year.

This also is a strong cup of coffee for Joey Harrington. The Lions, with these receivers, in essence are saying, "No Excuses, Joey." If he can't get it done next year, all those rumors about replacing him will be reality.

Maybe my resident Minnesota expert, Tom, will have to explain this to me, but I (along with the booing Viking fans) can't understand why they passed on Mike Williams and went with WR Troy Williamson of South Carolina, who I admittedly know nothing about other than he's fast. It would be nice to have complete confidence in your GM, but I'm just not feeling it with that pick. I hope I'm wrong.

Everytime ESPN breaks for a commercial, they cut to Aaron Rodgers, who's stock has plummeted from being the #1 overall pick to a mid-to-late first round pick. Yeah, "poor Aaron Rodgers, he's going to have to go to a playoff team next year!" If I was him, I'd be ecstatic.

So, yes, I am a loser as evidenced by having the draft on in the background here. As Andrew pointed out, at least in the NBA draft, the teams have 5 minutes between picks, so things move relatively fast. Today, the NFL teams have 15 minutes between picks. So if each team took their allotted time, it would take 8 hours to get through all 32 teams in the first round! And how many rounds does this go? 10? Wilbon was right, where's the NBA playoff games?

I gotta get outta here...

Friday, April 22, 2005

In Memoriam...

On the sad one year anniversary of Pat Tillman being shot by his own troops
, I would like to pay homage to the fallen hero by starting the rumor that a made-for-television movie is in the works and they've cast the only person fit to play his part, Henry "Fool" Rollins.

You decide:

In fact, are we sure that was Pat Tillman in the first place? Because here's a recent photo of what looks like him regaling troops with stories of some punk band called Black Flag:

Friday Loser Roundup

Let's break down the week's big tank-job sucka-ass loozers and try and figure out what makes them so unlucky/untalented.

1) Dan Gilbert, owner, Cleveland Cavaliers. Thanks to Dan, there's now a blueprint for future owners to follow of how not to run a sports franchise. I don't know if this kind of bone-headed crap worked at Quicken Loans, but it don't work in the Association. Passing substitution demands down to Paul Silas right before you fire him, causing your team to tank it's way out of the playoffs and then immediately canning Jim Paxson as if that'll cover up the fact that this was all your fault. Your loserness is caused by no one but you, jackass.

2) Nomar Garciaparra, SS, Chicago Cubs. It's bad enough knowing that the whole country is watching a tape of you going down in a crumpled mess holding your johnson over and over again. Factor in the 6 year, 60 million dollar contract you rejected so that you could come to the Cubs (just in time to watch the Sox win the World Series), and the fact that you've fallen so far so fast that unless Mia Hamm does a pay-per-view special where she sets a new blowjob record, you'll never see $60 million again, and Nomar might be the unluckiest guy on the planet.

3) Mitch Kupchak, GM, LA Lakers. What a spineless idiot Mitch is turning out to be. Jerry West proved that, just because the owner is a complete wackjob nut with barely enough ability to control his bowels, much less run a basketball team, that doesn't mean you have to listen to him. Mitch is now praying that he gets Phil Jackson back. So after a year, you're scrambling to be just like you were 12 months ago, except without the most dominant player in the game Shaquille O'Neal. Just quit while you have any marketability left, Mitch. Plus it would be hilarious to watch Jeannie Buss as the new GM.

That's enough for now, losers!

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Plaschke Hatin'

The L.A. Times' Bill Plaschke, who seems to want to be the Michael Medved of sports writers (regular viewers of Around the Horn know what I'm talkin' about), expressed his disgust the other day at the way the Boston Celtics rested their players at the end of the season. Bill's argument was that "it might be the only game that a person would be able to attend all year and that person's getting cheated because Doc Rivers isn't even trying.".

What garbage.

First off, if you buy a ticket to ANY sports event for the last game of the season, you're basically making a bet. Either that game is going to be of huge significance with playoff hopes riding on the line or else completely meaningless for one or both of the teams involved. More often than not it's going to be the latter and you'll be treated to bench players and guys who didn't have time to have their names stiched on their jerseys. Second, if Doc Rivers plays 'Toine Walker and Paul Pierce 45 minutes each for no other reason than entertaining one guy who saved up empty beer cans until he could afford a ticket to the Fleetcenter, then he should be fired like yesterday. This ain't college football (which, last time I checked, is about the only sport L.A. has left anyway) where you gotta win every week. The Celtics spot was assured and risking injury to key players just to inject a little more drama into the Cavaliers/Nets race for 8th is retarded.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Haters, Start Your Engines!

Finally, my fantasy basketball team has been mercifully euthanized, so I'm now free to enjoy the NBA again!

Drew's already given his predictions, so here I go.
This one's for the haters...

I would like to point out before I get this thing started, that even though I've been sober for 20 days, I'm still drunk with power after watching clips from last year's ALCS & World Series. That is why I say, for everyone who is sick of hearing about the Sawks and the Pats, You Know It's Coming! -Don't ja? You know the only thing that could make this whole New England nightmare worse is the Celtics winning it all! "Oh the agony, of watching another victory celebration in Boston! Please Jesus, team up with Buddha and Mohammed and let this cup pass! I can't take listening to any more of those loud-mouth Boston douchebags!" (Of which, there are many, I grant you.)

But you know it's gonna happen, right? You can see it already developing: -Shaq limping into the playoffs to play a hot New Jersey team who may get Dick Jefferson back. -Tim Duncan not being at full strength, and San Antonio finishing off the season less than dominate. -Even tonight, Screaming A. Smith picks the Pacers to beat the Celtics in the first round. You know that can't be good for the Pacers! "Oh, no, it's happening again!!! I thought Philadelphia was supposed to run away with the division after they picked up Chris Webber! Ahhhh!!"

Okay, I'm just messing with ya. I would love to pick the Celtics to win it all, but I just can't see them beating Detroit in the second round. Unlike Miami, who is dealing with the injury to Shaq, which makes them vulnerable to a first round loss to the Nets, I can't see Philadelphia doing the Celtics any favors by eliminating Detroit in the first round. But a greedy Boston sports fan, drunk on success can dream, can't he?!

Here we go:
  • First Round: Miami over NJ in 7, Boston over Indiana in 5, Detroit over Philly in 4, Washington over Chicago in 6 (Sorry, Wilbon. I love the Baby Bulls, but too many injuries.)
  • Second Round: Detroit over Boston in 6 (*sniff-sniff!*), Miami over Washington in 4
  • Conference Championship: Detroit over Miami in 7
  • First Round: Phoenix over Memphis in 5, Denver over San Antonio in 6, Seattle over Sacramento in 7, Dallas over Houston in 6
  • Second Round: Dallas over Phoenix in 7, Denver over Seattle in 7
  • Conference Championship: Dallas over Denver in 7
NBA Championship:
Detroit over Dallas in 6.

All hail our new ruler, Darko Milicic!

Robinson Takes On The Big Problems

Frank Robinson, who manages a team that had no home for the last two years and traveled around like an elderly Puerto Rican whose friends and relatives keep dying back in the homeland, is whining about the Washington Nationals lack of TV coverage.

They're getting first half of the show coverage, but apparently Frankie wants all media to begin every broadcast with slow motion pictures of Livan Hernandez striking people out while 'God Bless America' plays in the background.

Here's a short list of teams with an actual beef: Tigers, Brewers, Royals, Padres, DevilRays, Rockies, A's, D-Backs, Pirates and, oh yeah, every team that's not in New York, Boston, Philly or L.A.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

It's All Over. Help Me Push Yankee Stadium Into The Hudson

Nice Rug. Did it come with a chinstrap?

Holy Concaving Catholics! The way Yankee fans are carrying on, you would think that the Bronx Bombers have been mathmatically eliminated already. From Steinbrenner's big fat trap to God's ears, Joe Jeter-fan is more than willing to panic if that's what the boss wants him to do.

Just to put things in perspective, we are now a whopping 8% of the way through the season. That's SIX games into a basketball season, SEVEN games into hockey season and ONE game into football season. As a reminder, six games into the NBA season, the big story was how dominant the Utah Jazz were and how nobody had an answer for the one-two punch of Andrei Kirilenko and Carlos Boozer. Last time I checked, they finished 19 games out of a playoff spot in a league where everyone makes the playoffs.

As was pointed out, it's most likely Steinbrenner realizing they've got a long home stand coming up against shitty teams, so why not say something like this so he can take credit for their 'turnaround'. That's probably true, but does everyone have to eat it up like he just fired the whole squad?

Sunday, April 17, 2005


Even as a Sawks fan, I don't think Sheffield should be suspended or fined for the fracas at Fenway last week. But does he deserve any grief for shoving the fan first and then throwing the live ball to the cut off? I mean, "speedster" David Ortiz scored from first base on that play! Does anyone think he had a play at the plate if he threw the ball first?

UPDATE: Someone got P.O.V. pix of the whole mess. As little digital cameras get more and more entrenched, this kind of shit will be commonplace. Imagine if someone had been standing behind that goon who got clocked by Jermaine O'Neal and he had a little camera.

Friday, April 15, 2005


When talking about Eddie Curry, Wilbon spoke of it being part of the whole 'Chicago Curse'. Ex-squeeze me? Do we really have to remind you that the Chicago Bulls won SIX championships last decade?

The Curry problem is unfortunate, but I'm pretty well sick and tired by now of whiny Cubs fans trying to blame everything in the world on their poor curse. Just about everything negative that's ever happened to the Cubs can be explained by dumb people making dumb decisions or greedy owners fully aware that the dopes in Chicago will show up for games no matter how awful the product you put on the field is.

If the Cubs had the highest payroll in baseball every year and still managed to lose due to freak occurences then I would listen, but blaming some sort of wacky black magic for the bone-headed decisions your team makes is silly.

Jeff's Addendum:
I think Wilbon, for all his complaining about the Sauks and the Yanks, understands the details of what makes that rivalry great. Whether you think the Curse of the Bambino was over-blown or not, it definitely did add to the mystique of the rivalry. Conversely, the Cubs have the Curse of the Billy Goat. What the hell? -Some dude cursed the team because they wouldn't allow his billy goat into the park? That's a pretty weak curse.

The curse of the Baby Bulls is actually just bad luck. For a better curse, Mike mentioned yesterday that Shaq has put a curse on the Lakers for letting him go. Now that's a good, dramatic curse!

A while back we debated the chances of the Lakers getting the #1 overall pick, as manufactured by the league. Well, how's this for paranoid conspiracy theory: the Cavaliers collapse in their last 4 games, miss the playoffs, LaBron tells management he doesn't intend on resigning after next season, and Jerry Buss, having had all he can take from Kobe, offers either Kobe straight up or Kobe and their lottery pick to the Cavs for LaBron. Phil Jackson would then gladly come back and coach the Lakers.

Too "X-Files" to be plausible?

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Jermaine O'Neal Also Has A Dream

We can go fight and die in Iraq, but we can't drive Escalades before age 20 based on nothing more than potential? What is this, Russia?

According to Jermaine 'Fists Of Fury' O'Neal, the 'man' (or in this case, David Stern) is trying to keep his people down by imposing a 20 year old age limit on the NBA.

Maybe he's right. Turns out you have to be 21 to work in a liquor store. You also don't see a lot of young men being interviewed for the open Pope position either. And the last time I saw Shakespeare's King Lear, it was some old guy playing the lead! Perhaps Jermaine's right and these are ALL examples of those in power wanting to make sure that the only options that young african-american males have before age 20 are either regular work or (god forbid) a free education! Not since the days of seperate water fountains have I seen such a clear example of racial intolerance!

Perhaps what Jermaine needs to be reminded of is that the NBA is ENTERTAINMENT. It's not some community project designed to pull young men up by their bootstraps and give them a chance at a better life. If it is, it's a pretty lousy program. Imagine if the Boys Club or United Way only helped 2 or 3 people a year and gave them $100 million dollars each while the 10 million or so who didn't qualify got nothing. Needless to say, I don't think I'll be nominating Mr. O'Neal to be head of any of the President's 'faith based' initiatives any time soon.

The main reason I'd like to see an age limit put into place is purely selfish for me. Watching a league where the average age continues downward sucks. Average older players are forced out of basketball so that Sebastian Telfair can spend 5 years learning how to play point guard and charge me $100 a seat for the privilege of watching. How exciting has the NBA become? Ask anyone who's watched Kwame Brown play for the last 4 years. Ask anyone how many years it'll be before Andris Biedrins or Darko Milicic are any good?

The flaw in O'Neal's reasoning is that if a player comes out of high school and doesn't want to go to college, that there's no other way for him to make an income. As far as I know, Europe doesn't have an age limit. The NBDL also seems made for someone in this situation. So apparently O'Neal's just angry that 17 year old high school students can't become millionaires before they've actually proven that they have any talent. Welcome to life for everyone else.

Oh and P.S. Wilbon, Kruk and Mariotti are all jackasses for thinking there's something horribly wrong with Lowe and Roberts wearing Sox jerseys for the ring ceremony. It's not going to 'confuse' anyone (except possibly the very old and retarded) and if the Cubs ever win in your lifetime, you'll want everyone that ever visited Chicago to come back and wear your ugly jerseys. Why don't they make Kruk wear a T-shirt that says 'ball cancer survivor' so that I'm not confused as to why he left the game?

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

College Pride.

Check out this list of ball-players who went to USC, it's actually pretty impressive:

Lisa and I agree, we can't believe we didn't know Randy Johnson went there. I just figured Johnson played baseball because he was too tall for the mine-shaft elevator so he couldn't get into the family business. I had no idea he went to college! Then again, Kevin Millar, who I also had pegged for a grade school drop-out, also went to college (but at some place called Lamar).

That page is an interesting time-kill, there's actually listings for Dartmouth and Princeton, but I don't recognize the names. And there isn't one Boston school in there! -Although there is UMass, UConn, Maine, Central Conn, & Lou Merloni is keepin' it real for Providence. Those Boston egg-heads have no time to play baseball, since they're too busy watching and arguing about the Red Sox all day.

All my WCC friends will be happy to find listings for Santa Clara, St. Mary's, Gonzaga, Pepperdine, & San Diego.

Sayer of Sooths!! He Who Sees What Has Yet to Be Saw... or something like that

How would a coffin help him see the future?

I'll let Jeff weigh in on the Lords of the Rings since he's actually from the greater Boston area (for the next year or so, everything east of Syracuse counts as greater Beantown).

As for me, since it's never too early to make half-baked, pie-in-the-sky double-careening bankshot predictions that'll only serve to make me look foolish later on, here's some prognostications of matchups/winners of the upcoming NBA playoffs;

Round one;
PHX-MEM, 4-1
SA-HOU, 4-2
SEA-DEN, a super Kharmic payback for '94 with Denver going up 3-0 and Seattle coming back to tie it. Then Seattle chokes and Denver wins 4-3.
DAL-SAC, 4-1.

MIA-NJ, 4-0
DET-CLE, 4-1
BOS-IND, 4-1
CHI-WAS, 2-4 Wizards take it, shutting Wilbon up.

Second Round;
PHX-DAL, 3-4 Mavericks in an upset. Score of game 7: 160-159
SA-DEN, 4-2

MIA-WAS, 4-0
DET-BOS, 4-2

Conference Finals;
SA-DAL, 4-2
MIA-DET, 2-4 Pistons back in championship

SA-DET, 4-2 Spurs win, Ginobili named MVP.

Oh yeah, and draft lottery goes; ATL, LAL, CHA and on down.

We now return you to your laughable human state of being.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Hello? Oh Security??

"Golf is a good walk spoiled, by golf... which sucks... and is boring. Screw golf. Where's my hooker?" - Mark Twain

Why oh why can't the PGA do something about the one thing (besides the mind-numbing slow pace of the game itself) that is DESTROYING golf?

Why is it that the 400-year old men doing security at these events have no problem 86-ing someone for using a camera at the wrong time, but won't address the real plague that makes watching the game on television (or even live I would imagine) almost completely intolerable?

By now, you must've figured out what I'm talking about. Those dipshit assholes who yell 'IN THE HOLE!!!' after EVERY SINGLE SWING. Great job, you nitwit. You saw Caddyshack too? You like to hear yourself on television? You can't think of anything clever, but you know you gotta yell something or your existence that we already know is pointless will just be proven so? I beg of you, for the love of whatever you hold sacred, SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

If I'm watching a sporting event, I'm watching the people paid to play in said event. I have no interest in listening to the former frat-guy, kegstand-practiced booming voice of some photocopier salesman from Atlanta who was awarded his tickets by winning his regional toner sell-off. Take your endless supply of Polo shirts, ram them into the trunk of your Buick LeSabre and drive off the nearest embankment. You contribute less to society than Raider fans.

Back when golf wasn't full of such douchebaggery, I don't remember thinking to myself that what this sport needs is more drunken Sig-Eps high fiving each other and spilling Coors Light all over their Dockers after every meaningless putt. Do us all a favor and go back to whatever awful housing development you paid too much to live in just because it has a gate to protect you from people who look like Tiger Woods. Watch it on TV like the rest of us, and when you're not hurling a bottle at your kids and/or wife, you can yell all you want.

With all that deep-rooted hatred aside, I was making fun of Andrew for watching golf on television yesterday, saying that would only happen in a month of sobriety. Not that I dislike golf, but unless you're bed-ridden with a hangover, I can't imagine watching the live event to be any more thrilling than watching the SportCenter highlights.

Of course, after hanging up the phone, I immediately turned it on. I have to admit, down the stretch there, and going into the playoff, that was a very exciting golf tournament. And (of course) the shot that everyone was talking about later, the chip on 16, was the most amazing shot I've seen since Larry Mize to win the Masters in the 80's.

Talk about Caddyshack! -That ball defied the laws of inertia by stopping and then starting again into the hole. I could almost see Brian Doyle Murray standing over it, waiting for it to move, as explosions are going off all around him. Even my hip-hop DJ roommate was amazed! -He looked as if he had just found a lost MF Doom album.

So, while I still contend that 9 out of 10 televised golf tournaments are painfully boring, yesterday's definitely was not, and I stand corrected. To all those I have wrongly persecuted for watching golf, I apologize.

On the Side:
Notice how the Warriors just went on an 8 game winning streak and they got no DAP from the guys, not even a mention! Maybe if they had an annoying nickname like "da Baby Bulls" they would have been slurped up.


Saturday, April 09, 2005

Joy in Oaktown!

Finally, after years of playoff exclusion (including this year), Warrior fans actually have reason to take the barrel of the gun off their temple and look forward to something.

A couple years ago, I was commenting to a friend about how wherever Jason Kidd goes, the team immediately improves. -Not unlike the way Jason Williams improved the Grizzlies, Mike Bibby did so for the Kings, and we all know what Steve Nash did for Phoenix this year. It seems, like no other position in basketball, having a quality point guard can dramatically change a team's fortunes. Conversely, there are plenty of 2 guards in the league who can have great games and watch their teams lose night in, and night out (I'm looking at you McGrady and Vince Carter!). The effect a good point guard has on a team usually shows up in the win column.

That's what the Warriors are realizing now. Don't ask me how they did it, but acquiring Baron Davis for Speedy Claxton and Dale Davis was a historic trade for them. Redemption for the Joe Barry Carroll/Robert Parrish trade? I hope so. Better yet, Davis was excited to play in Oakland! Maybe because he was coming from the lowly New Orleans Hornets, maybe because he's from California, maybe hypnosis, brain-conditioning, island voodoo, whatever! All I care is, he's across the Bay, turning the perennial lottery-bound Warriors into a playoff contender next year.

That's right, contender! In fact, I'd say the Warriors are a LOCK to make the playoffs next year, and I've been sober for 8 days now! They're currently on an 8-game winning streak, which includes wins over playoff teams Houston, Seattle, and league-leading Phoenix last night (their second straight win over the Suns). Of the last 14 games, the Warriors have won 12.

And the future looks bright. Along with Davis (age 25), there's a core of young talent that should have plenty of time to develop together, including Jason Richardson (24), Mike Dunleavy Jr. (24), Troy Murphy (24), Mickael Pietrus (23), Zarko Cabarkapa (23), Nikoloz Tskitishvili (21), and the youngest player in the league, Latvian and 11th overall pick in last year's draft, Andris Biedrins (19). A little added benefit of Biedrins, he's actually grown into a 7-footer since he was drafted, when he was listed at 6' 11". Even poet Adonal Foyle seems to be contributing recently.

The only down-side to the Baron Davis deal is, it makes last year's signing of Derek Fisher unnecessary, which is a situation I can live with. In fact, it's interesting watching Mike Montgomery play two quality point guards at the end of games. Still, it would be great for everyone if the Warriors could move Fish in the off-season, even if it was for a draft pick. I'm sure some team would love to have his leadership, but 5 more years on a $37 million contract for the 30 year old makes him all but untradeable. Hey, Mullin had no idea he would land Davis when he made the Fisher deal, so it's completely forgivable.

So am I aiming too high? Breaking an 11 year playoff drought next year, in the loaded Western conference? I think not!

On the Side...
  • Gahd! David Wells sucks!
  • Congratulations to Tony yesterday on his eloquent imagery when he said the over-weight Riddick Bowe now looks like "a mudslide."

Friday, April 08, 2005

NBA decadence...

Check out that fade!

I don't know where Andrew got this from, but at least we now know what this guy's spending all that Colgate-educated money on:

Cyber All Star

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Let's Play "What's My Motivation?"!

Stella Adler and Stanislavski be damned! What's the motivation in these three scenes:
  • Barry Bonds says he might have to sit out half or all the season (and the corresponding drug tests) because of an ankle injury right after watching Mark McGwire publicly hang himself at the Congressional steroid hearings.
  • Kobe Bryant sits out a game with a bruised shin immediately after the Lakers are eliminated from playoff contention.
  • Olympic Host flip-flopper and 6-time Tour de France champion, Lance Armstong, annonced he may retire this year after steroid allegations are levied against him earlier in the week.
Something tells me this year's "Douche of the Year" voting is going to be close!

The Fix Is In

Tony seems to think (and I tend to agree) that the fix is in with the NBA lottery and that, much in the same way that the Knicks were 'lucky' enough to get Patrick Ewing that the Lakers will get the #1 pick, take Andrew Bogut and be back in the playoffs.

Like I said, I dont' doubt that the Lakers will win a fixed lottery. My only contention would be that Andrew Bogut suddenly makes the Lakers a playoff team. Who exactly are they going to leap frog to take away a spot? You figure 1-5 are completely solid for next year (San Antonio, Phoenix, Dallas, Houston and Denver). leaving three spots open for the following teams; Seattle (all depends on free agency losses), Memphis (can't help but be healthier next season), Sacramento, the newly energized Golden State Warriors, a possibly re-tooled Minnesota and a continually improving L.A. Clippers team.

Even if the lottery was so fixed that they gave the Lakers the top 2 picks, I don't think you plug a couple of college players onto that team and suddenly become showtime again, and given their cap difficulties and the fact that Jerry West ain't walkin' through that door, the Lake show's in for a long drought.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Wait, Something's Wrong.

Something's missing... everything's so silent... peaceful... quiet. Wait, I know what it is. It's the sound of Max Kellerman not trumpeting how great Derek Jeter is after yesterday's walk-off homer. I never thought I'd miss that, and not exactly sure that I do now, but it's noticeably abscent today. Nostalgia be damned, I'm sure he's off on vacation in Asia somewhere, desperately trying to make his cab driver admit Jeter is the best shortstop in the game.

Is that East Coast Bias?

This strikes a nerve with me because in a recent fantasy baseball draft, I was accused of being the "poster-boy for East Coast Bias" after drafting Manny Ramírez, David Ortiz, Pedro Martínez, and Edgar Rentería. I admit, I have a bias towards the Red Sox (since I grew up watching them!), but why should anyone, from any region, apologize for that? I am, in fact, the Poster-Boy for team allegiances that were forged in my youth. Yes. Even though I happily moved away from New England 16 years ago, those allegiances are still encoded in my DNA. No matter how passé Wilbon thinks it for me to hate the Yanks, I will continue to stereotypically do so.

But how is that different from any other rivalry? Here in San Francisco, the ancient New York rivalry of Giants/Dodgers began again yesterday and I saw so many "Beat L.A. Shirts" (a phrase coined by Celtics fans in the 80's! -East Coast Bias!). Even though that rivalry has taken on it's own Northern Cal/Southern Cal meaning that most people across the country don't understand, it still lacks the competitive intensity that sends the ratings through the roof when the Sox and Yanks meet. Most people watch the Sox/Yanks like I watch NASCAR or women's gymnastics. -They just want to see people wreck themselves, a donnybrook, Zimmer eat grass, etc. You don't get that when the Giants/Dodgers, Cubs/Cards, etc. play.

Actually, I was at the Giants game last year when Michael Tucker and Eric Gagne squared off on the field and it was the single most non-chemically induced thrill I've ever witnessed at SBC Park. -And it went a long way to further the rivalry (would have been even better if anyone on the Giants cared to back up Tucker). After the game, it was all we talked about. That's what brings in the ratings, the "Bird vs. Magic, never-back-down, it's more than a game" intensity.

Monday, Wilbon said he might get jumped wearing his Cubs jersey in St. Louis. Not likely. Maybe in East St. Louis, but that would have nothing to do with what you're wearing. I've been to Cardinals games in Busch stadium and the fans there are painfully nice (Mormon nice!), just as they are throughout the Midwest. -Which is not to say they should be more like the Sox/Yanks fans. -I wouldn't wish that upon any city. In fact, I've always said the only people who make obnoxious Sox fans look good is obnoxious Yankee fans. I certainly do not miss that at all in San Francisco.

I'm not saying an East Coast Bias doesn't exist. In the sportswriters college polls? -Yes (like there is for Notre Dame football, not on the east coast). In listening to blow-hards talk about Jeter and Joe Namath? -Definitely. And it does bother me, hearing Tone Def, a sportswriter, say he won't stay up to watch the Giants/Angels World Series (which was great, for all those who missed it) because it's on too late. But I will also point out, I've never heard a phrase, since its introduction, more over-used by sports fans not on the East Coast.
"It's not that we didn't win a Championship, it's the media! -and East Coast Bias! -and the French Free Masons! -and the Trilateral Commission! They all conspire to put only the East Coast teams in the championship because of ratings! Waaa! God-damn ESPN for broadcasting the Sox/Yankees and collecting those high ratings! They should be showing the Brewers!"
The idea of an East Coast Bias is fairly recent. Isn't it strange that it didn't exist when UCLA was winning all those college basketball championships, and when the Lakers won 5 championships in the 80's? And how in the world did USC football ever overcome it to win back-to-back football championships?

Bottom line is, we all have biases, that's what makes us fans. Objectivity in sports simply doesn't exist; oil & water. So, if sportswriters have been conditioned to favor the SEC in football, the ACC in basketball, and the Sox vs. the Yanks, it's probably because they've been competitive for a while. Is it annoying to listen to Billy Packer swoon over Duke? T to the K trumpet the Sox/Yanks? Absolutely. But because those teams are competitive, it makes sense.

With that behind us (how's this for East Coast Bias?), the Sox are screwed! If it's true what they always say, pitching wins championships, we will not win. They definitely have all the bats they need, but 'Drew's right. Boomer Wells as #2?! What... the... fuck?! It would have been nice if we landed Hudson or Mulder. Now all we can do is wait for whatever mid-season acquisition Theo can brew up. Until then, we tread water and think about last year.


btw, which one of those players would you like me to drop to dispell that shameful East Coast Bias perception? MVP candidates Ramírez and Ortiz? All-Star Edgar Rentería? Or 3 time Cy Young award winner Pedro Martínez?


Red Sox... Too Early To Panic?

Here's a picture of David Wells after hearing how many chicken soft tacos you can buy with $8 million dollars.

I know it's only two games in, but David Wells? Do you honestly think the Sox would've even taken a second look at this tub if he hadn't been a hero at Yankee stadium? He was the only 'beloved former Yankee' on the market and they did what they had to do to get him. The only trouble is that he hasn't been that good the last couple of years and you're asking him to fill the shoes of Pedro.

Couple that with asking Clement to fill the shoes of Derek Lowe and I'm just not feeling it this year for the Red Sox. Schilling's a great guy to have in the #1 spot, but it was a whole hell of a lot scarier when he was #2, and the drop from 1 to 2 to 3 is noticeable this year. The words 'rely' and 'Wakefield and Arroyo' should never be used together.

Oh, and Wilbon, I'm writing this from the WEST coast and I didn't grow up in New York or Boston. Get over your retarded midwest jealousy about the Northeast. People don't care about the Cubs and White Sox because they SUCK, not because of some geographical bias. If Chicago and St. Louis played every single year in fall classic after fall classic, battling it out decade after decade, then the country would look forward to their meetings as much as a 'meaningless' game between the Yanks and the Sawks in April.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Admit it...

The NCAA basketball trophy is the worst looking trophy in all of sports. Can't they get it together and create a trophy that doesn't look like it was made in a high-school shop class?

It has to be the worst, right?

I stand corrected:

And while we're improving the Tournament, can we please drop that horrible song "One Shining Moment"? That song was terrible when they debuted it, yet CBS continues to insist everyone loves it. At this point I'd rather listen to Billy Packer sing the poetry of J.J. Reddick than the tired agony of "One Shining Moment".

Well, Roy...

Even though I was sure you were going to blow it in the end, you pulled it out. So Congrats. Sean May is clearly the second coming of Corliss Williamson (as prophesized by the oracle), and I'm already sick of McCants & Felton, but I guess I gotta get used to seeing those guys in the NBA for a while.


Monday, April 04, 2005

Top Ten People I'd Rather Be Right Now

Drunk talk... sweet, sweet drunk talk...

In the spirit of 'no-spirit' April, defined by Jeff's last post, I've decided to list the Ten Drunkest People In Sports, Worldwide! If there's anybody more soused up than those listed, leave it in the comments.

#10 - Harry Redknapp, manager, Southampton Football club, English Premier League. Looks like he's actually been living in a tub of gin for about 10 years.

#9 - Jeff O'Neill, forward, Carolina Hurricanes. Gotta do something during the lockout.

#8 - Donte Curry, Detroit Lions LB. Fell asleep drunk while going to pick his kids up from school. Would be much higher if he was more famous or married to Arvydas Sabonis.

#7 - Larry Eustachy, former head coach, Iowa State University. Yeah, take my picture chugging this beer next to this 18 year old. I'm the smartest man in the world!!

#6 - Mike Price, current coach, UTEP. 'Too drunk to remember is 'always' a good excuse.

#5 - Rafael Furcal, shortstop, Atlanta Braves. Jesus Rafi, take a cab once in awhile.

#4 - Michael Phelps, Olympic gold medalist swimmer. To paraphrase Dean Wermer; "19, drunk and on the Wheaties box is no way to go through life son".

#3 - Sir Bobby Robson, former manager, Newcastle United. Just look at him.

#2 - Bob Huggins, head coach, Cincinnati. Hard to picture level-headed sweetheart Bobby on the sauce I know.

#1 - Broadway Joe Namath, sideline reporter, former legend. Oh c'mon. Could it be anyone else? "I wanna kiss you" will live forever.

Now I beg of you, go out and get loaded tonight. I know it's only Monday, but do it for those who can't do it for themselves!!

UPDATE: Jeff's picks-

Okay, here are three additions I'd like to nominate:
  • Vin Baker - Who tries to play professional basketball hammered? -Vincent does!
  • Jim Calhoun - What is it about Connecticut that makes people drink? I actually have never seen Jim sloshed, but I've heard first hand accounts of his love of the sauce.
  • Mickey Mantle - Can you believe they actually wasted a liver transplant on this dude? -Only to have him die a month later. I'd bet my own liver he had a drink to celebrate how well the operation went.
And these guys, too:

I've never heard of them being souses, but the photos say it all. Besides, when a Kraut and a Cannuck get together, you know some beer will be drunk (or spilled all over your shirt).

P.S. UNC is a two point favorite over Illinois in tonight's game. Prediction: You take those points, and then collect your money after the game.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

The Third Annual "Be Like Mike (Wilbon) Month of April."

Since Wilbon revealed on the show that he doesn't drink, we've decided to dedicate our annual drying-up period (A.K.A. April) to him. Now, I don't know if Mike quit drinking because he was one of those black-out drunks who woke up behind dumpsters every weekend, or if he simply doesn't like the sauce, but whatever his situation, Drew and I join him arm-in-arm this month merely to prove what we've been saying all along, "We can quit anytime we want."

Let me first say, we are in not teetotalers by any stretch of the imagination. We've both enjoyed a long, fun-filled relationship with libations that's, for the most part, been free of regrets. We've drank, made fools of ourselves in public, gotten thrown off commuter trains, had lots of laughs, and all without any D.U.I.'s, street fights, unwanted pregnancies, or hospital trips for alcohol poisoning. This is in no way a judgment of people's choice to imbibe responsibly.

Got it? Okay.

Now, regardless of what anyone tells you, April is the most meaningless sports month of the year. I've heard people say it's February (yeah, maybe there is a little post-SuperBowl depression going on there), but that's when college basketball really starts to pick up. The actual Final Four games are the only true sports casualty to drying up in April. Still, if you're like me, the first four days of the tournament are the alcoholic endurance tests. After this Monday, all that's left is meaningless first-month-of-the-season baseball, and the NBA playoff race for the 8th spot, and the opportunity to get smeared by Phoenix or Miami.

Although there's a multitude of reasons to undertake such punishment (health, money, industriousness, further blog entries, etc.), I'm going to take the pretentious self-righteous route and say I'm protesting years of dumb beer advertisements during sporting events. If you go to any professional sports event, it's obvious how interwoven the relationship between the leagues and beer companies are. Indeed, beer is to sports what foreign oil is to America. If you're sick of either one, the only thing you can do is cut down on your consumption.

Even though my advertising friends say the campaigns merely reflect their target audience, I refuse, as a sports fan, to be lumped in with a gaggle of delusional brain-dead slobs. For every one decent, mildly funny beer commercial, there are 6 that promote the idea that if you just keep drinking beer, you'll soon be frolicking on the beach with leggy German swimsuit models, all helpless against the charm that comes along with downing eight beers.

-Wait, maybe I have that wrong. Maybe the commercials are saying, it's not you who drinks the 12 pack, it's the women displayed therein. That actually would make more sense, since no attractive woman in her right mind would ever glance your way after all the cheese dogs and Budweiser balls you sucked down at halftime. -It's clear you're going to have to get them drunk to have any chance whatsoever. Even if that's the case, it's an even creepier, date-rape message than the simple myth of super-model sexuality.

Even Miller's "Prevent Taste Loss" series of commercials were mildly funny to start, but at this point, that joke's been run into the ground like an oil tanker with a drunken captain. As amusing as those are, isn't it at least a little ridiculous they're making fun of drug commercials that also saturate the airwaves of sports telecasts? -As if anyone who watched sports would never take drugs for depression, erectile dysfunction, and baldness! All those companies must be going under after such misplaced advertisements!

I once saw a comedian who said he hates it when the premise of a joke is inherently flawed to begin with. Example: "'I walk into a bakery and see sugar-free cookies. What's that all about?! Who's that for?!' -It's for diabetics, you idiot!" In the same way, the inherent assumptions and premises of beer commercials are so absurd and delusional, they have to hire million dollar advertisement firms, who employ beaten-down and self-loathing (but now rich) comics, to mask their flawed assertions with humor.

For example, it's generally accepted by beer enthusiasts around the world and the Pacific Northwest that American beer is like what Monty Python called "Making love in a canoe. -Fucking close to water." Even foreign beers popular in America like Foster's and Beck's are considered watered up swill in their home countries. So, the aforementioned "Fight Taste Loss" Miller commercials are funny, but Miller, along with their major American counterparts, is incredibly bland-tasting. "Yes, I suffer from taste loss so, obviously, my only hope is to drink beer that tastes like a liquid carpet sample." -Notice the magic of humorous misdirection!

How 'bout the one where the New York hipster rock band won't hire a kick-ass guitarist because he doesn't drink Heineken? -That's so life-like, because, as we all know, it's important to retain your Dutch street-cred when you're opening up for Max Creek at the Wetlands.

I could go on and on here, but let's just skip to the coup de grâce commercial for all sanity, the absolute worst floater in an ocean of shit, the Coors Light "Twins" commercial. Not only is that terrible by itself, but it pained (but didn't surprise) me when ESPN adopted it as their football highlight lead-in music. Nothing gets me reaching for the remote faster.

All the above commercials operate under one false assumption or another, but clearly the most prevalent myth in beer commercials is that of sexuality. It only takes rudimentary powers of perception to realize the pathetic truth these commercials seek to help people escape from. Let's set aside the brutish nature of crude simpletons so teaming with fear that they adopt a 24-hour tough-guy persona. Carrying around such a profound sense of inadequacy can quickly lead to shunning anything resembling intellect, complexity, sensitivity and finesse in favor of power, classic rock, and fictitious sexual conquest. Regardless of the product, there's a lot of baggage that comes along with being a washed-up couch slob who beats off at halftime while listening to Kid Rock.

If you think I'm being too critical or dissecting this too much, you may be right. But try this the next time that "Twins" commercial comes on: Recognize that, not only is the myth of sexuality being promised, but in classic gluttonous fashion, the producers suggest that having 2 of the same sex slaves (not 2 different sexy women, but 2 sisters), is even better. Pleasuring not only each other, these two siblings will also be subjected to sexual humiliation at the chicken wings-stained hands of a slob who's only ever excelled at growing back-hair.

If you're still not convinced that that's fucked, ask yourself, "Would I, in turn, do the same for the pleasure of a female Coors Light drinker?" -Because that would only be fair, right? If you expect two sisters to get together for your pleasure, you should be prepared to orally take your own brother's member while some Jabba the Hutt-looking Madame drools Coors Light onto the back of your head. 'Sound like fun?

'Come to think of it, maybe a month of abstinence isn't so bad for the old perspective.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Worthy of A Married Couple...

There was a great exchange between TK and Wilbon on yesterday's show. Wilbon was going on and on about his precious 'Baby Bulls' (probably my new least favorite nickname in sports, replacing the New York Mets completely ill-fitting 'The Amazin's') and used the statistic of Opponent's Field Goal Percentage to show their league dominance. Tony of course instantly made fun of this, asking Wilbon if they also lead the league in Shoe Size.

But Wilbon, never one to back down from a fight, informed Tony that if 'Larry Brown had said it, you'd think it was the most important stat ever'. Touche, bitch.

This is why Tony will never win an argument against someone who knows him that well. He's got too many man-crushes and people he's raised to god-like levels. Arguing about women? Just throw out Tonya Harding. College sports? Ask him how SUNY-Binghamton did last year. Baseball? Play the video of A-Rod girlie-slapping the ball out of Bronson Arroyo's hand.

These are all just tips for the one day we'll all have to argue with Kornheiser about something. Leave your Mortal Kombat fatality moves for either TK or Wilbon in the comments.