Wednesday, August 31, 2005

A Few Quick Notes...

Wilbon is no Amazing Creskin (Roddick will win the U.S. Open? The NY Giants will make the playoffs?)

Kornheiser has taken more days off than President Bush this year.

It's been at least 2 weeks since they mentioned Larry Brown. A new personal best.

Without the T.O. scandal, this would've been the dullest past 3 months in sports history.

Friday, August 19, 2005

When In Oakland...

Oh Randy...

I can imagine that Randy Moss has been getting really jealous over all the press that T.O.'s wacky cash grab has been garnering of late, so I suppose it was just a matter of time before he reminded us that there's more than one stupid loudmouth catching footballs in the NFL.

Look, lots of people smoke weed, LOTS, but the difference between a casual toker and someone who's smoked so much that they lack the ability to think even the simplest things through is that most weed smokers know better than to walk into work and tell everyone they run into that they're putting Bob Marley to shame with the amount of hippie lettuce they suck into their lungs.

Don't worry Randy, we weren't going to forget about you if you didn't step up and say the one thing that would steal the headlines away from Terrell and his goofy agent. Perhaps next time you can just ask the press "What if the color blue to you isn't the color blue to me?" and keep them guessing.

Perhaps Moss and other fools like him should take a lesson from Tom Brady and admit something 'shocking' like that they've seen internet porn once or twice. That's just charming and the press eats it up. Telling everyone you smoke doobage like you're a roadie for Dave Matthews?? Not so much.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Bravo Paolatonio!

As a product of the Cold War, I got a little silent titillation at hearing Sal Paolatonio name check M.A.D. (Mutual Assured Destruction) when describing the Terrell Owens situation. Brezhev himself would be proud!

As bad as the T.O. situation is, I must report that no one in San Francisco is surprised. Hey, Eagle fans, You think you hate T.O.? -Then team up with anyone in S.F. They've known for quite some time how miserable a human being that idiot is. At least he only called your QB a hypocrite, not suggest that he was gay. (Really, how childish do you have to be to do that?)

The only surprising thing about the T.O. situation to people out here is that some thought he trashed the Niners simply because they didn't have a chance in hell to win (which was true). Now that he's on a very capable winning team, that theory doesn't hold water. It must be genetic.

And why do I get the feeling Jeremiah Trotter won't go the entire season without trottling T.O.?

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

We'll Be Able To Tell Our GrandKids...

These are great times to be alive. In the future, people will form circles around us to hear us tell the story of the DUMBEST MAN TO EVER WALK THE EARTH. That man, of course, is Terrell Owens.

Here's a guy that six months ago could've gotten the Rocky statue plowed over with a bulldozer and had one of him put up in its place. Hobbling out there like Willis Reed, and unlike Willis, actually making a contribution to the game. The only reason they didn't rename Philadelphia 'T.O.-Ville' is that they went up against a slightly better team and lost. But anyway, the point is, few people will ever have that kind of Capital (especially in a city like Philly).

Well congratulations Terrell. In a matter of 4 months, you've managed to turn 'superhuman sports hero' into 'complete and total asshole' who's about as welcome in Philly right now as West Nile Virus.

At this point, the Eagles have no choice but to 'Keyshawn' this jackass. Set up a nearly impossible set of 'rules' that T.O. has to follow (In Owens' case, just throw in a rule that he can't act like a retarded 3 year old), wait for him to break one and then simply suspend him without pay for the rest of the year. No trades, no negotiations, no cutting, just sit him on the bench and let him cry like a bitch for the whole year.

In fact, I'd love to see the Eagles ride out the rest of his contract (7 years) doing this. Even if he becomes a model citizen, just sit him on the bench. Put T.O. in the position of having to retire and sit out a year if he's ever going to play again. Owens and Rosenhaus have been approaching this entire process as if they hold all the cards. The Eagles should step up and show Drew and Terrell that not only do they not run the National Football League, but that if they did, it would've gone out of business years ago.

Go Eagles!

Thursday, August 11, 2005

I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

TK, I have no idea what you're doing, but a milestone moment in your show's history happened today and you left Bob Ryan to watch the store.

After yesterday's opening interview with Bud Selig (who I have to admit came across quite well, and I was right there with Wilbon, tearing him apart for his steroid complicity), who would have thought the opening interview today would have been better a mere 24 hours later? Because this is a PTI butt-licking fanboy site first and foremost, let me point out that the Terrell Owens/Drew Rosenhaus interview today will forever be the Lee Harvey Oswald prison transfer of the show's existence.

Holy Buddha! Just when you thought it couldn't get worse, there's T.O. saying he has no desire to talk to Donovan McNabb, there's T.O. calling out his coaching staff, there's T.O. and Rosenhaus looking like a couple of kids on the schoolyard, talking to the principal, saying, "He did (this)!" and "He did (that)!" I have never seen anything more childish from the world of professional sports. Go ahead, I dare you to prove me wrong! No, Ryan Leaf was never this bad, and you know it.

And damage control? -Thy name definitely is not Rosenhaus. Did anyone catch him on Letterman last night? -Where my childhood idol, took him to the shed? (The greatest moment coming after Rosenhaus told the story of recessitating the drowned boy and Dave bluntly asked if he got his standard 3% agent fee afterwards.)

Okay, I know this is not a sports story, its one of those publicity side-shows, but I have to wonder how this will end. Here's my answer (listen up Philadelphia), trade T.O. to the worst team in the league who will take him.

How does this sound?:
  • T.O. and a second round draft pick to Arizona for Larry Fitzgerald (there's your future receiver).
  • T.O. to Mariucci in Detroit for any one of the young receivers there.
  • Or how 'bout this one: T.O. back to S.F., where he has no desire to play, for their first round draft pick next year (I guarantee it's in the top 5)?
Make it happen, gentlemen.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

For SHAME!!!

I called my resident Lakers fan, Lisa, to settle a question that had burrowed into my mind as I watched the A's miserably bow to the Angels tonight. That being, what was the name of that Disco hold-over guy who used to dance around the Forum at Laker games in the early 80's? She quickly said, "Please be advised, that was Dancin' Barry."

Of course! How great was that dude?! I was a young, impressionable Celtics fan who hated all things Lakers, but not so blinded that I couldn't appreciate Los Angeles's favorite mentally ill resident, Dancin' Barry. Before hanging up I told Lisa, "This is gonna be one of those Google Searches that I'll end up praising the existence of the internet!" I couldn't wait to see all the Dancin' Barry websites!

FOR SHAME!

According to Google, there is exactly ZERO websites devoted to Dancin' Barry!

What the hell are you people doing with those computers (besides porno)?! I couldn't even find a photo of Dancin' Barry! My Kingdom for a photo of D. to the B.!!! Don't they teach you people anything in school?

It's almost enough to make me change the title of my movie treatment from Searching for Billy Ocean to Searching for Dancin' Barry.


In other news, is there any question that Isiah Thomas has no idea what he's doing? Here, from John Hollinger's glorious List of 10 Worst NBA signings of 2005, is #1:
1. Jerome James, New York Knicks (five years, $28 million, 11.8 pts, 7.2 reb, 9.83 PER)
Of all the bad deals over the summer, this one takes the cake. It's one thing to overpay for a player who can play a little, like Joe Johnson or Cutino Mobley. But what if you commit your full midlevel exception to a guy who can't play at all? That's what the Knicks did with James, rewarding him for the five good games he played in the Sacramento series and pretending the previous 82 games never happened. Between the inconsistent effort and the constant swooning over his alleged potential, James has become the new Michael Olokokandi except that he's a worse player and even more egregiously overpaid.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Attention Nascar Whiners

No matter what sports show you're watching, whether it's PTI, Around the Horn or 'This Week in the LPGA', they seem to be inundated with letters from Nascar fans wanting to know why their beloved sport doesn't get more coverage. After all, it's more popular than golf, so why does golf get so much run?

The most obvious reason is that there's no story to Nascar. Once you've described which guy won because he avoided crashing into anything and managed to keep his right foot pressed up against the gas pedal better than the other guys, you're pretty much out of drama. There's no trades to discuss, no coaching changes, no draft, no nothing. Apart from changing sponsors or occasionally watching the gear-head crews try and beat each other up, what more is there to discuss?

So please, Nascar dads, enjoy the fact that you're silly left turn only excuse to advertise Tide Laundry detergent is doing so well. Just quit trying to get people not named Clem or Scooter to talk about it.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Stop Coddling Him!

Let's get one thing straight that is a FACT. If Rafael Palmiero was black, this story would be over already. He'd be out of the Hall, out of baseball and about as popular as O.J. But because Raffy's got those Thomas Magnum good looks and speaks perfect english and wagged his finger at Congress, everyone wants to believe that this is some kind of setup. Bullshit.

We now know that the type of 'roids that Raffy took aren't the kind that are accidentally present in 'GNC Weight Gain 5000'. It's not something that can show up in trace amounts in your Cheerios like Rat feces. There's only two ways you get this shit in your system, by ramming a needle in your ass or gulping it down with your morning Viagra. So quit spinning, Magnum. Be a man and admit that you're a selfish asshole.

I can't stand the hypocritical, 'win at all costs', 'If you're not cheating you're not trying' mentality that exists today. From Enron to baseball to the President of the United States, people are so goddamn jaded about how their actions affect their fellow human beings that they see life as a big con job, a series of opportunities to lie, cheat and steal your way to a fortune. If you get caught, you just shrug your shoulders and lie about it until no one cares anymore, and if you don't get caught, use your millions of dollars to treat everyone else like shit.

If this is ever going to reverse itself, a huge example needs to be made out of someone, and I vote that it be Raffy. Try and ram it through that moussed hairdo of his that when you cheat and lie, it harms other people, people who are trying to play by the rules and find out if hard work and determination really do pay off in the end. How many players has Palmiero knocked off of rosters? How many pitchers has he caused to lose their jobs? How many opposing managers, GMs and coaches have his inflated statistics caused grief and humiliation? All for what? So Rafael Palmiero can make millions of dollars? Screw him. He deserves none of it.

If it were up to me, Palmiero would be subjected to every medical test and lie detector known to man to try and determine exactly when he started taking steroids. Once that was determined, he would be forced to donate every penny he's made since that date to a pension plan for older players that played the game clean. Leave him homeless for what he's done, dying under a bridge like JR Richard. Maybe then people will think twice before cheating.

I hope you never get in to the Hall of Fame, Raffy. In a hundred years, I hope people can barely remember your name, and then associate you only with being one of the selfish losers who put money and stats above the game and essentially ruined a whole generation of baseball.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

One last reflection on yesterday's show...

Watching Wilbon and Mariotti, two Cubs fans, talk shit about the Manny Ramirez saga in Boston is like watching Canadians talk shit about America. Now, I'm very critical of this country's policies and especially the current administration's foreign agenda, but nothing will bring me to America's defense faster than listening to know-it-all, America-Junior Canadians, who've never gotten close to cracking into any historical textbook outside of hockey, spouting off about all the problems with the USA.

I know the Sox, before last year, hadn't won it all in 86 years, and this isn't merely recent championship hubris, but Cubs fans have to be the most content group of losers on the face of the planet. Say what you will about Sox fans using their decades of disappointment to define their personality, at least they were affected by those losses. -They took all the heart-breaking losses personally, which accounts for taking last year's win personally. Cubs fans don't seem to be one bit upset by their team's futility, just as long as there's plenty of Natural Light at the outdoor frat party they call "The Friendly Confines", Wrigley Field.

I feel bad for White Sox fans, who've had to play second fiddle to the Cubs for years, and who actually have a very good team this year, but are still getting marginalized by blow-hard Cubs fans like Wilbon and Mariotti. And if you ask any Cubs fan about White Sox fans, they'll waste no time declaring them all brutish idiots with no class. Well, here's to Mark Buehrle and the White Sox, who have an infinitely better chance of breaking their championship streak than the Cubs and their infirmary of starting pitchers!

How-EV-ah

Let me get one thing straight. I like Stephen A. Smith. I know some people hate the crap out of him, and I understand that. Same thing with Jim Rome. I'm not going to try and convince anyone that either one of these guys is great if the person I'm talking to thinks they're awful because I fully realize that these guys are not everyone's cup of tea.

That said, Stephen's show Quite Frankly has got to go. I find Smith compelling for about 3 to 4 minutes. If he's berating Greg Anthony or teetering on the border of yelling 'Shutup Cracker!" to Tim Legler, he's a treat to watch. But ONE HOUR??!! Who's genius idea was this? What are they gonna program as a lead in to this, a 3 hour loop of Sean Salisbury screaming at his reflection in a mirror?

And, even though they're buddies and all, talking (and I use the term loosely) to Allen Iverson for 45 straight minutes might be the single most unwatchable thing that anyone's ever put on television. I've got a better chance of transcribing a debate between Lil' Jon and Master P than piecing together what The Answer just said about Larry Brown.

I would give this show about 3 weeks, but if they haven't cancelled Cold Pizza yet, it's clear that along with the rest of the country, the execs at ESPN aren't watching either.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Welcome Back, Your Dreams Were Your Ticket Out...

Nothing like the continuing steroid saga to bring one out of their July sports hibernation. Maybe it was the long summer's nap, or the prescription drugs, but I'm actually here to defend the ultimate Latin Lover.

Even though it doesn't seem unlikely that Palmerio didn't know exactly what was in the supplements he was taking, I tend to believe his excuse that it was taken completely by accident. Call my defense arbitrary and capricious, but Palmerio's numbers over the years have always been steady. As Matt pointed out, it's not like Sammy Sosa who went from not being able to hit to hitting 60 home runs, or Bonds who's production exploded as he approached 40, or Brady Anderson ('nuff said), Palmerio's career totals have been steady and the result of avoiding serious injury.

He does, however, deserve whatever inevitable shit storm awaits him for not being on top of his supplements. When the testing began David Ortiz stated, quite correctly, that many of the Latin players were at a language disadvantage, since many of the banned substances are easily available at any "health food store". Hell, GNC sold "diet" supplements with boatloads of ephedrine in them, killing even pro athletes. But Palmerio definitely doesn't fall into that category, so you're in for a tough ride Raffie.

And Barry Bonds scrapping his season? As a closet Giants fan, I hope the team will take this opportunity to re-define themselves without the slugger. We see it all the time in basketball, where a star gets hurt and the team learns to succeed without him. So far, though, the Giants haven't done this. Hopefully, this latest announcement will push them along.