Friday, February 10, 2006

I Believe Wayne Gretzky Is Somehow To Blame

Yeah yeah, so the Seahawks lost. I guess one team just wanted it more. That team, of course, being the team of officials. That being said, the Steelers made two big plays when it counted and I'll be the bigger man (literally) and give them their due props and not contribute to Seattle's building reputation as a city of whiners.

The real reason that I'm happy for the people of Pittsburgh is that I've been in Western Pennsylvania, and if there's anyone that needs a 'pick me up' in the whole world, it's them. I would imagine Sao Paulo shantytowns to be slightly less depressing than cities like Altoona and Johnstown. So if it prevented a few people from putting a gun in their mouth for another week, how can I not be pleased?

Why is everyone so depressed there? Well, let's take a look at the average lifespan of someone from Western PA;

0-14: Hang out in dead grass backyard staring at pole that used to have a tetherball attached to it 30 years ago.

15-18: Find only thing approaching 'meaning' in their life when they play high school football. Most of rest of life will be spent trying to simultaneously relive the entire experience while trying to block out the many borderline 'gay' things they did with the other players in the locker room.

18-25: Off to the Army to try and get killed so they don't have to come back to this awful place.

26-40: Combination of construction, collecting disability and getting laid off.

40-50: Awful sales job only done to keep up with alimony payments to avoid prison.

50-death: Standing outside of hideously ugly brick home with a look on their face that seems to scream, "What the fuck?!"

So if they can mix one Superbowl win in there every 25 years, I say good for them.


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