Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Bravo, Gentlemen!

Today's show was one of your best. Precisely the caliber that compelled us to create this blog. Maybe it was the long weekend, but everyone brought their A-Game today, even Stat Boy's Toni Tannille career-joke seemed fresh and timely. If anyone has it on the Tivo, watch it a second time before deleting!

Today's Mail-Time had me wishing the countdown would slow to a stall. I know it was an easy subject, but I could listen to the guys trash Robby Gordon's protest to not race against Danica Patrick until her weight advantage is adjusted for hours. Let's find this dude and just antagonize him until he makes an even larger fool of himself, cuz you
know he will!

2005 PTE Douchebag of the Year, nominee #1:


Also, I'd like to respectfully wish Joe Namath a happy birthday by not making a Suzie Kolber joke. Instead, I quote Grampa Simpson who in a flashback to Superbowl III screamed at a shot of him on television,
"Look at that hair! He looks like a girl! Now Johnny Unitas, that's a haircut you can set you watch to!"
-The less sense that makes, the funnier it is.

Monday, May 30, 2005

Think like this guy, Phoenix:


I've been accused many times of being so Boston-sports-centric that I've come to agree with my accusers. I realize they're completely right, so there's no use in trying to defend myself. I now just try to move on, living life with a Red(Sox) Scarlet Letter attached to my chest. Things could be worse.

So, forgive me when I say, it only makes sense that someone in the Phoenix Suns locker room mention a certain baseball team who was down 3 games to none against the Yankees in the AL Championship series. Phoenix is so much better than they've played against the Spurs so far. If they could just concentrate more on their defense and less about trying to out-score San Antonio, I think they can take tonight's game.

It sounds simple, but all they have to do is win one game, tonight's. Make no mistake, though, tonight's game will be the toughest. If they manage a win, they'll be rewarded with the next game at home and hopefully a slight momentum shift.

Hopefully, Stevie Nash won't have to do it all himself.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

So much for conspiracies!

-That is, unless you're talking about the vast pro-Milwaukee and Portland conspiracies. Looks like all our expectations about how the Lakers and/or the Knicks, with a little help from the league, would jump to the #1 position in the NBA draft was a bit misguided. David Stern seems to have a bug up his ass recently concerning all the talk of league collusion. First he comes down hard on Jeff Van Gundy for suggesting the refs conspire against Yao Ming and then the draft goes off without any large-market winners.

This is similar to the way Bud Selig suddenly (with the US government in his corner) can't tolerate any steroid use now that everyone is talking about it. I love how these problems simply "don't exist" until someone in the media addresses the issue.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Could Larry Brown Have Been Right?

Yeah I know, he won a championship in college, won the NBA title last year, he made the Clippers decent for awhile, he's the only guy that's been able to handle headcases like Allen Iverson and Dennis Rodman while at the same time making the whole team better. But for some reason I've always suspected Larry Brown wasn't that great.

As it turns out, I'm probably wrong. While everyone including myself thought it was a complete jackass move to take Darko with the 2nd pick and then proceed to turn him into the last option off the bench, I think in the long run it will be the best thing that ever happened to him. Seeing him explode off the bench yesterday and rack up 3 whole points makes me optimistic that in 20 or 30 years he could be STARTING for a Larry Brown coached team.

Seriously, though, being 17-years old and having the entire continent of Europe riding your jock probably does inflate your ego a little and having arguably the greatest coach ever sit your ass down and make you watch actual NBA professionals win it all will probably make him an incredibly humble big time player down the road.

Either that, or just force him to sign with a team that will play him.

Monday, May 16, 2005

You Suck. Boo-Ya!!!!

"Combining the smoking hot looks of Doug E. Fresh with the urban hip-hop street cred of Urkel"

With the possible exception of 4th generation Vaudeville acts and the rotting corpse of Helen Hayes, is there a more tired act than Stuart Scott?

What demographic does DJ Stoo-ey play to? I've never met anyone who thinks he's funny. I've also never met anyone who thinks he's clever, or hip, or anything but uncomfortable to watch.

It seems like ESPN would like to get rid of Stu, but he must have the longest contract ever signed. They've tried pawning him off on every silly game show and bad idea reality show spinoff they've ever tried. Anything to keep him off Sportscenter (Dream Job, Stump the Schwab etc.), but unfortunately it hasn't worked. Every once in awhile I still have to have my sports highlights utterly ruined by a nonsensical word-a-lanche of 15-year old Ebonic gibberish that makes Fat Albert's buddy Mushmouth sound like Cornel West.

Please, Stu, please, please, please, please, please quit.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Most Promising Newcomer of 1958!

Buddha bless Stat Boy yesterday for calling T. out on two pop culture references (Ruth Buzzi and J. Edgar Hoover), saying "This show would 'ave been huge in 1968!" Only problem is, it didn't deter Tone Def one bit, since we were all subject to hearing him name-check Judy Garland on today's episode (and you accuse Wilbon of having a man-purse!).

Can someone please let Tony know he's not opening up for Steve & Edie in the Birkshires? He seems to have a beautiful command of pop culture, but can we all pitch in and get him the 2005 upgrade?

While we're organizing surreptitious anti-establishment sports movements, I want everyone to petition the show, so a dying child might see his final dream (nevermind who that is, we'll fill in the blanks later). -We need to encourage the guys to use more familiar nick-names. They single-handily popularized the Donavan "F." McNabb craze, and I think they're way past due on another nickname, just waiting to be plucked. Simply put:

Richard Justice, of the Houston Chronicle becomes....(drum roll)...

Dick Justice!

Not only is it a great porn name (gay, or straight), but it will obviously catapult said Justice way ahead of his less deserving peers. No longer need we trifle with the likes of Dan Le Betard, Bob Ryan (who sucks), and Dan Shaughnessy. Where are their cool nicknames?

I think it's clear, Dick Justice is the greatest untapped nickname since Battlestar Galactica starred a very appealing Richard Hatch (Dick Hatch, to those in the know).

How's that for an out-dated pop culture reference, TK?

Friday, May 13, 2005

I Can't Argue That He Wouldn't Deserve It More Than George Tenet...

Mona! Angela! Samantha! What just happened?

Every once in awhile Tony or Wilbon will say something that I'm convinced is going to get one or both of them in significant trouble (Wilbon's dig on Canada aroused controversy for a couple of hours, but nothing major).

Such was the case a few days ago when Tony said the following; "Dale Jarrett (or whoever) was worried when he ran Tony Danza off the road causing him to flip over that he may have killed him, AS IF HE WOULDN'T GET A MEDAL OF HONOR FOR THAT.". Something tells me if PTI was a major network show that Tony would have to perform all kinds of fake-ass damage control, going on Danza's show and making nice etc.

Here's to relative obscurity!

Thursday, May 12, 2005

He Can't Pick His Own Disciples? He's Nick-named King James For Chrissakes!!

Memo to LeBron's new agent: Athletes have been used in the past to make overpriced shoes seem more appealing. There may be some money there. Look into it.

All the fuss that people are raising over LeBron James dumping his agent in favor of his buddy seems silly. "But he made him over $150 million", "What about loyalty?", "What happens if he needs to change teams or negotiate a new deal?".

Let's first talk about the money. Yes, his old agent did negotiate $150 million dollars in contracts for him, for which he was compensated with $15 million dollars. And what was it he did exactly that a smoking chimp couldn't have done? What, he pointed out that a phenominally talented basketball player with a likeable personality would be a good pitch-man for Sprite? Good move, I would never of thought of that.

And as for the new deal or trade, how hard is that going to be? Something tells me if LeBron becomes a free agent and every team in the league is competing for him, they're not going to say to themselves, "Hey, wait a minute. He's got that slightly more inexperienced agent! Let's offer him a '40' of St. Ides and coupon for Red Lobster and see if he takes that.".

For what they do, agents are the most overpayed, overhyped scumbags in the entire world. So good for LeBron for at least making it someone he likes.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Shananigans!


Okay, I know 'Drew wrote about how Iverson should have got the MVP, so I don't want to turn this into an anti-Suns thing, but Coach of the Year going to D'Antoni? -I can definitely see being more upset at that. This sounds like a "Stump the Shwab" question in the making.

First off, even though he was a first year coach (and there are plenty of challenges to that), what specific obstacles did D'Antoni have to deal with over the course of the year? When debating the MVP, everyone cites the slide the Suns went on for those 5 or 6 games that Nash was hurt. But as much as that's an argument for Nash, that's an argument against D'Antoni, that he couldn't keep it together.

And while we're talking about injuries, aside from Nash, who in that starting five spent substantial time on the DL? -Doesn't staying healthy help your team immensely? Also, while it's obvious the Suns have no bench, 3 of their 5 starters made the All-Star game. -And The Martix is far and away the most under-appreciated player in the NBA. Has Fantasy basketball taught us nothing?

I mean, did the Pacers go straight into the toilet when Jermaine O'Neal and Stephen Jackson were suspended and the league's best defensive player (Artest) was kicked off the team? Not exactly. Not at all!

Was it that the West is so much stronger that put D'Antoni over the top? Well, while the West is still definitely better than the East, having Shaq not there anymore dramatically changes its landscape. No one can debate that.

So Rick Carlisle, who came in second has somewhat of a gripe, but it has to be Nate McMillan who gets the shortest end of the stick here. Granted, Phoenix had the best record in the league (thank you Mr. Nash), but NO ONE had the Sonics getting in the playoffs at the beginning of the season. -Forget about winning the division, which they did. Even months into the season, viewers were subjected to psuedo-analytical TNT "When Will the Sonics Collapse?" pieces. For every commentator who mentioned the Sonics, it was a matter of when, not if, the clock would strike midnight. And it never did.

The fact that there's even talk about McMillan leaving Seattle to coach LaBron in Cleveland should send the collective espresso spitting out of Seattle's mouth. I don't know what Ray Allen is asking now that his contract is up, but if it's reasonable, that franchise would best serve themselves by keeping both McMillan and Allen around.

I can't condone Tony's joke of saying Seattle is in jeopardy of turning back into a hydro-planing town, so keep the strong foundation you already have together, Sonics!

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Back!

I'm finally back from my fact-finding tour (AKA having a smoke out back).

Looks like those Celtics let me down again! All I can fall back on is last year's Red Sox and Patriots, so I won't complain. Besides, call this sour grapes if you must, but I haven't seen a more insignificant series since... well, since this year's Washington/Chicago series. Basketball realists have just went into hibernation as far as the Eastern Conference is concerned. Wake me when Detroit plays Miami in the spring.

Until then, let's branch out and consider The Sport of Kings, horse racing! First off, that "Sport of Kings" thing is great for promotion, but nothing could be further from the truth. Since royalty is a foreign concept here, let's apply the American Translation. What used to be "Kings" elsewhere, in America, is "rich heartless businessmen" who are convinced that their watching a horserace constitutes competition. -That irony is completely independent of the white trash "royalty" who litter the Churchill Downs center field.

Regardless, I've been a fan of the Triple Crown for a while now, I think my fascination started when Lisa was walking out of the office 2 years ago and said, "I'm going to the Kentucky Derby, want me to make a bet for you?"

To which I muttered, "Ten bucks on the 6 horse." That 6 horse was Funny Cide (which is the way I want to die someday), paid 15 to 1. $150! Horse racing, you have a new fan!

So immediately after last weekend's race, when they said Giacamo was a 50 to 1 winner, all I could think of was "10 made $500! Fortune favors the bold!" Still, the beauty and euphoria of watching the ultimate underdog take the top prize was squashed by the post-race interviews of the favorite, losing owners. NBC couldn't seem to locate Giacamo's owner, if he could get a ticket at all, but they had their cameras locked and loaded on the losing owners.

Maybe this relates back to the American translation of "Sport of Kings", maybe it's widespread in sports, but losing gracefully, with pride and composure, is truly a lost art. Since animals are known to make people more compassionate, I expected a bit of humanity after watching such a powerful spectacle. Nothing. Just pure disappointment, as if he was cheated out of an investment. Not even the trite, "Well, we're just happy for all we've accomplished and for the chance to compete. Ya can't win 'em all!"

The only emotional reaction came from Giacamo's jockey, who rightfully was at a loss of words. Good luck the rest of the way!

Monday, May 09, 2005

Defending Those We Hate

Allen Iverson's a jackass. A thuggish, short-sighted, selfish, ball-hogging dumbass with the likeability of Lou Gehrig's disease.

And another thing, he was by far and away the best basketball player in the NBA this year. The idea that he finished fifth in the MVP voting is criminal. I've got nothing against Nash, O'Neal, Nowitzki or Tim Duncan, but the primary reason that Nash won is that he was injured for a few weeks and Phoenix went into the toilet. His numbers are average, his game is nice and speedy and sound and all, but what kind of nonsense criteria are they using these days? Hell, Jamal Mashburn was injured for the entire season and his team nearly finished dead last. Why not make him MVP?

You don't have to use 'perceived' value to evaluate Allen Iverson. Granted, you take him off the 76ers and, not only do they not even come close to making the playoffs, but you could make the argument that they would've given Atlanta and New Orleans a serious run for their money as the worst team in the league. Honestly, are you going to tell me that a starting five of Dalembert, Webber, Korver, Iguodala and Kevin Ollie wouldn't be historically awful?

Allen Iverson DOUBLED Steve Nash's ppg while Nash only got 3 more assists per game than A.I. Whatever garbage stats you can pull up, I can pretty much guarantee that Iverson's are significantly better and that if he were a nice floppy-haired white guy (there, I said it), they'd be building statues of him in front of every arena in the country.

Oh well, the whole thing is moot anyway since some complete fool gave a fifth place vote to P.J. Brown. That's right, the 3rd best player on the 2nd worst team is 5th best in the whole league. Kudos to you!

Friday, May 06, 2005

Simple Math With Kellen Winslow II

  • PLUS
  • EQUALS
  • Thursday, May 05, 2005

    Special Guest Blogger Oliver Stone

    If Barry Bonds had any credibility left whatsoever, no one would imagine questioning the 8 months it's now going to take to cure an injury that normally requires 5-6 weeks of rehab. But he doesn't, so we may question away!

    So just what the hell is going on with Barry? Here's my theory; Whatever he took to bulk up the way he did for as long as he did takes a while to get out of your system. So Barry brings in his 'special' doctor (one that, by the way, is on probation until 2009) to make damn sure that Bonds doesn't return to baseball until he can pass any and all tests they're going to give him with flying colors.

    Either that or he's having some sort of reaction to going off the various juices and creams and motor oils and horsepills he's on.

    Whatever's going on, I think it's time for the Giants to grow a pair of balls and stand up to Bonds. The chances of him coming back and breaking any more records are pretty slim at this point, and he's doing nothing but making your franchise look foolish. No other company in the world would sit by with their thumbs up their ass while their most valuable employee screws himself up with the aid of some quack that's not on the corporate health plan.

    Don't look for the sycophantic Giants fans to take the lead on this either. They'll continue to kiss his ass more than anyone hoping that he comes back and breaks Aaron's record so that they'll have something they can point to when people ask why they've been wasting their lives on this team.

    I honestly believe that this whole thing will come to a head pretty soon. No one can be this guilty for this long with this much heat and scrutiny and walk away from it.

    Wednesday, May 04, 2005

    They're Only Winning To Make Me Look Like An Idiot

    "Kneel Before Afro!!"

    Those plucky Seattle Supersonics rolled over Sacramento 4-1 last night to advance to the Conference semis. Something they only did to make me look like a total jackass.

    Here's my post about the 'SuckySonics' dated July 19th of last year. I called them 'the worst franchise in pro sports', saying they 'haven't done a damn thing to improve' and that they 'don't give a rat's ass about winning'.

    Of course, as it turns out, they're the most underrated wrecking ball in the whole NBA. Seattle is the only team besides Miami that has two players averaging over 20 ppg (Ray Allen and Rashard Lewis), they have awesome role-players in Luke Ridnour, Jerome James, Antonio Daniels and Radmanovic and I'm beginning to think they could actually make a series out of their upcoming showdown with the Spurs.

    Of course, now that I've said that, Bruce Bowen will proceed to make Ray Allen look like a slightly less productive UConn grad than Khalid El-Amin.

    Oh well, I'm having fun while it lasts. And even though I grew up loving the Supes and will continue to give them their due DAP, they've got to do something about those 'pee-yellow' road u-nies...

    Tuesday, May 03, 2005

    Not-So-Great Moments in Coaching.

    To commemorate the Oklahoma baseball coach who can't even give a player a compliment without displaying how ingrained racism can be, here's a classic Jeff Merron article about bad coaching behavior, including some of Drew's most recent subjects:

    Coaches Gone Wild

    Visual Aids help so much, so here:


    Although, I have to admit, my favorite Lou Piniella meltdown was featured on SportsCenter yesterday. It was the wrestling match he got into with his own reliever Rob Dibble, of the Reds. After players had pried Dibble off of Piniella, Sweet Lou yelled, "You don't want to be treated like a man!", which is a strange thing to scream after you just got pummeled by someone.

    Don't Screw With This Guy...

    "I have certain En-too-ziazms.... En-too-ziazms... En-too-ziazms..."

    I don't know who's a bigger psychopath when they get angry, NBA commissioner David Stern, or Robert DeNiro's character in 'The Untouchables'. Stern essentially said everything short of 'I want Van Gundy's family dead. I want his dog dead! I wanna go to his grave and piss on his ashes!' yesterday in response to Van Gundy's allegation that referees are calling phantom fouls on Yao Ming in response to complaints from Mark Cuban.

    Here's the actual quote from Stern, "If he's going to say things like that, he's not going to continue in this league," Stern said. "If the attitude reflected in those comments continues to be public, he's going to have a big problem with me as long as I'm commissioner."

    Stern then went on to say, "I just want to announce that it's not over,".

    I think it's safe to say that I've never seen a commish from any sport as pissed as Stern is now. Van Gundy is completely screwed no matter which way he turns at this point and there's no Alonzo Mourning leg for him to grab on to.

    UPDATE: Tony and Mike completely missed the point on today's episode. They seem to think that Stern is pissed because Van Gundy merely CRITISIZED the officiating. Not entirely. Stern is mad because Van Gundy claims to have PROOF from an official who told him the fix was in and won't give up the official. A coach whining about the officiating would be business as usual and I would agree that no fine should be levied, but saying that you have TESTIMONY from an actual official that they are essentially 'fixing' basketball games is just a little bit different.

    Monday, May 02, 2005

    That's Just About Enough Of Trying To Be Like Wilbon!

    Who the hell can play golf sober?

    The 'dullest month in sports, Be like Mike, pretend you're Olajuwon during Ramadan' self-imposed month of sobriety is OVAH!!!

    While it was nice getting all crunk again this past Saturday night, it may have been better to ease back into it as the sunday hang over was one of the worst in recent memory. Have no fear, however, I realize getting back into prime drunken shape is going to take some more training, but I'm up for the challenge.

    A good argument against remaining permanently sober would have to be Wilbon's music taste. Did anyone else catch him saying during his apologies to Canada that his two favorite music artists are Celine Dion and Shania Twain? With that one statement, he shamed his race and his gender, and also made me realize the horrible damage that remaining sober can do.