Wednesday, July 27, 2005

They Never Had 10 More Minutes Of Seinfeld On In The Middle Of Suddenly Susan

It's nice to have the 'A' team back, but what the hell is up with this 'we'll be back with more after the first ten minutes of Sportscenter' nonsense? It completely baffles my Tivo, and I don't want to commit to recording the entirely useless, hour-long in the middle of the day SportsCenter. Oh well, if it's important, I guess they will have covered it in the first half hour they're given.

Speaking of which, what's up with the middle of the day SportsCenter? Who is this useful for? No games have been played yet! Sure, there might be a coaching change to report or something, but that's usually something I can read about on the scrawl and then get the 'It's great to be here' press conference footage later on. Hell, if I'm that much of a diehard I'll just flip over to ESPNNews and watch the whole boring thing.

I miss the old ESPN that used to show completely pointless and weird stuff in the middle of the day. It was always trick shot pool or some kind of SuperDogs/Super Owners competition.

Feel free to leave your favorite ESPN mid-afternoon time killer 'sport' in the comments.

Monday, July 25, 2005

A Retraction...

Leading the league in Haitian afros for 4 years running!

I know we've been complaining as of late that there's nothing going on in sports, but I'd just like to offer a complete retraction of that statement.

After all, the Sixers re-signed Samuel Dalembert over the weekend! The same guy that always wins that bike race in France won again in a finale so thrilling that they actually stopped keeping time!! Some old guys played golf in England! And two middle American baseball teams duked it out for the bragging rights of being the best team on Interstate 55!!

Once pre-season football starts and Larry Brown does what's been predicted for the last 3 months and signs with the Knicks, I don't know if we'll be able to contain ourselves!!

Friday, July 22, 2005

Apparently You Can Have Too Much Heart

As much as I'd like to make all kinds of jokes like the one above or relish in the fact that it was a LA Laker that this happened to, I really feel terrible for Ronny Turiaf who, after being WCC player of the year and tearing it up for Gonzaga, has been diagnosed with a heart defect and will have to have what will most likely be career-ending open heart surgery.

Pull through big man. Do it for Dan Dickau.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Credit where credit is due...

We all know that no matter how much a douchebag Jose Canseco is, we all believed at least part of his story. Outside any professional baseball team, we all secretly admired his gumption, even if it was merely to sell books.

It's tough to admit someone you don't like has produced something that just knocks your socks off. Hell, I hate everything about Ryan Adams, but after hearing his self-titled CD, I had to concede, it's great. Even if you don't like dance music, and complain mightily about its over-comercialization, you also have to admit Moby's Play is rather amazing. And even if it did sound a lot like the Beatles, you know when your ex-girlfriend was playing Oasis's What's the Story, Morning Glory? in the mid-90's you enjoyed it (at least until your buddies brought over the latest Rage Against the Machine CD).

So it is with a heavy heart that I would like to congratulate one of our most favorite punching bags, Dan Le Batard, on his most recent ESPN the Magazine article, "So You Want to be a Successful Major Leaguer? Don't Ever Think About It" (currently not posted on

Not only is it brillaintly written, but it looks at baseball from a new, uncelebrated perspective. I only wish he mentioned former Sox reliever, Buyn Yun Kim, in illustrating just how much damage over-thinking can do to a great talent in this most unique of sports.

Well done, Dan.

Baby Steps

Well, I guess at least Wilbon's back, but teaming him up with Mariotti's a bad idea. If I want to hear two guys talk about how great Michael Jordan was and how the Cubs will never, ever win, ever, I'll just move to Chicago and hang out on Whacker Drive.

That's right, I said 'Whacker'.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Guess Who's Back!

Re-gracing the stage of Around The Horn yesterday was none other than My main man Michael Holley!! He got some well deserved ribbing for bolting the show a year and a half ago, but he managed to brush it off. Gone are the dreads and it its place is that bald look that was so popular during Michael Jordan's first run at a championship.

Welcome back to the world of sports punditry, Holley. I'm just glad that, unlike Max Kellerman, you didn't have to accept a humiliating job as Tucker Carlson's strawman toady to get back on the tube.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Manure De France...

"Everyone makes a big deal about Lance Armstrong winning so many times after losing a testicle. But if your job is to ride a bike, I say the fewer balls the better." - Comedian Greg Giraldo.

Hopefully, along with Michael Smith, the Whitlock era of PTI is now over as well. I don't 'hate' either one of them, but they're piss poor substitutes for the real deal. Kind of like when Tanya Roberts tried to replace Cheryl Ladd on Charlie's Angels.

On yesterday's show, Whitlock tried to take the rather silly, Jim Rome-esque position that cycling is not a sport, the reasoning being that "I learned how to ride a bike when I was 6, so how can it be a sport?". What kind of nonsense logic is that? Wouldn't that eliminate pretty much ALL sports? Certainly the entire Olympics as I learned to walk, run and throw shit a lot earlier than 6 years old.

If there are people that are arguing that poker is a sport, then you would think we could pretty much all agree that cycling is. Whitlock's other assinine take was that "Armstrong just has more time to train than everyone else". Really? Has he invented some sort of time travel machine where he can train for 5 years in what us mortals pereceive as 6 months? I gotta think out of the 6.2 Billion people on earth, SOMEONE trains as hard, if not harder than Lance Armstrong, and he didn't win, so explain that.

On second thought, don't bother. Just go back to Kansas City for awhile Whitlock. We'll call you the next time Texas Tim Cowlishaw's not available to fill in.

Monday, July 11, 2005

SnoozerBowl Sundays

No wonder Wilbon and Kornheiser usually take about a month off this time of year. Ain't a damn thing going on but the rent.

My heart goes out to poor slobs like Michael Smith and that pompous guy from the Kansas City Star that hosted last Friday. It's gotta be hard to fill a half an hour with takes on the Tour De France and whether or not Kenny Rogers should pitch in the all-star game or open up another franchise of roasted chicken restaurants.

Since all hockey's played indoors in cities with no winters now anyways, why not bump hockey season up to start in mid-june? I gotta think that any remotely watchable sport has a chance of succeeding now. After all, if you're only competition is MLS, the WNBA and the exciting buildup to the baseball Allstar game, how badly could you do?

Friday, July 08, 2005


I trust everyone will be watching to see how Michelle Wie does at today's second round of the John Deere classic. Do you think she'll be able to make the...

Oh, who cares. Let's talk about hoops.

I could go on and on about what a horrible traitor Nate MacMillan is for bolting to the 'trailgangstas', but you know what, it's his choice, and if I had spent the whole season twisting in the wind waiting for the front office to decide if my 20 years of service to the franchise deserved a new contract as I was winning the division, I might be a little cheesed off as well. Wally Walker is nothing more than the poor man's Mitch Kupchack, an oblivious GM who can't draft for nothin' and can't admit it when the team's success has nothing to do with anything he's done. So much for building on last year's great season.

Speaking of the Trail-BlazingHashPipes, L.A. Times writer and moral beacon Bill Plaschke got all bent out of shape on yesterday's Around The Horn when someone made a pot-smoking reference about the Trailblazers. "They've changed their image! You don't know what you're talking about!!", he screamed. Really Bill? Is Darius Miles still on the roster? Do they pay Ruben Patterson with a check or in 5 pound bags of Thai Stick? How about Damon Stoudamire and Nick Van Exel? Do they still run those 'dope is for dopes' seminars during the summer?

Good luck Nate!!

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Dogs And Cats Sleeping Together, Mass Hysteria!!

This man is batshit crazy, or as the kids say, "Cruise-azy".

Well, it's early July and time for managers, owners, season ticket holders and everyone else in baseball to freak the hell out. Seems like any team that is having trouble winning, needs a little something else to push them over the top, or is just always paranoid is talking about shaking things up.

First comes Lou Pinella, who keeps threatening to start his relievers and then bring in his starters after a few innings. Just maybe the dumbest idea in the history of professional sports, but remember, this is a guy trying to get fired. I'm guessing the next thing Lou tries is to have the pitcher wear a large potato sack on his head during odd-numbered innings.

Now comes word that the 'four games up so it's time to panic' Red Sox are going to bring Schilling back as a closer. Am I the only person who watched Schilling slowly dominate 6 or 7 innings at a time last year? I've never looked at his pitching style and thought to myself, "He's the guy I want only pitching the last inning of a game".

If either Pinella or Epstein need pitchers, there are plenty of awful teams that will give 'em up (The Mariners are interested in getting rid of Guardado. After all, he's all they've got, so why not have 'no' pitching at all). So stop going for the silly gimmicks and wacky-ass stunts.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Good Luck With Your Layoffs, Mariners. I Hope Your Firings Go Really Well.

What the hell's up with the Seattle Mariners? They run their franchise like 'Ini-tech' from the movie 'Office Space'.

I imagine that Bret Boone's 'assignment' went something like this;

BOB: Hey, remember that guy Brett Boone?


BOB: You know, big forearms guy, silly frosted tips.


OTHER BOB: Yeah, we can't actually find a record of him being a current employee here.

BOB: I looked into it more deeply and I found that apparently what happened is that he was laid off five years ago and no one ever told him, but through some kind of glitch in the payroll department, he still gets $15 Million a season.

OTHER BOB: So we just went a ahead and fixed the glitch.


MARINERS OWNER: So um, Bret Boone has been let go?

BOB: Well just a second there, professor. We uh, we fixed the *glitch*. So he won't be receiving a paycheck anymore, so it will just work itself out naturally.

OTHER BOB: We always like to avoid confrontation, whenever possible. Problem solved from your end.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Bob Ryan For Permanent Replacement Co-Host!!

Yeah, I know, he's a blowhard, loud and obnoxious, and has that annoying New England accent, but I thought the chemistry between Kornheiser and Ryan last week was great. It felt a lot more like sitting at the end of a bar in downtown Boston listening to two crusty drunks switch between brilliant takes on sports and playing the dozens than it did a talk show.

No way he should replace Wilbon, but he's at least a hundred times better than the replacements they've tried before. Michael Smith? The 'not really that hateable' Dan Lebatard? The 'actually hateable' Skip Bayless? Poker Commentator Norman Chad? None of them can carry Bob Ryan's jock!

The one thing I will ask is that they never give Dan Shaunessey a shot. It's bad enough just looking at the picture next to his column, much less have to see him speak and move!

  • Friday, July 01, 2005

    International Incident

    I'm heading off to Montreal this morning. It's a bit of a strange story, my buddy Matt entered some contest on-line with the SF Weekly and won a trip to the Montreal Jazz Festival. Since he and his girlfriend recently split, he asked me to go with. Outrageous Fortune indeed!

    Thing is, we have a bunch of tickets to the Jazz Festival (which I'm told is one of the leading Jazz festivals in the world), but neither of us really like Jazz. We actually looked into selling our tickets to someone who will appreciate it and this year's big draw, Mark Knopfler, is fetching $160 Canadian on-line. What the hell? -He probably won't even play "The Sultans of Swing", too!

    So here's the plan: dump the tickets and head to the comedy clubs and small music venues. We're told there's a casino there, but it's all Monte Carlo, so they expect you to dress up and play Baccarat. I'll just see how much discounted Montreal Expos merchandise I can stuff into my bags and sell to sports collectors back in the states.

    See ya next week!