Friday Loser Roundup
Let's break down the week's big tank-job sucka-ass loozers and try and figure out what makes them so unlucky/untalented.
1) Dan Gilbert, owner, Cleveland Cavaliers. Thanks to Dan, there's now a blueprint for future owners to follow of how not to run a sports franchise. I don't know if this kind of bone-headed crap worked at Quicken Loans, but it don't work in the Association. Passing substitution demands down to Paul Silas right before you fire him, causing your team to tank it's way out of the playoffs and then immediately canning Jim Paxson as if that'll cover up the fact that this was all your fault. Your loserness is caused by no one but you, jackass.
2) Nomar Garciaparra, SS, Chicago Cubs. It's bad enough knowing that the whole country is watching a tape of you going down in a crumpled mess holding your johnson over and over again. Factor in the 6 year, 60 million dollar contract you rejected so that you could come to the Cubs (just in time to watch the Sox win the World Series), and the fact that you've fallen so far so fast that unless Mia Hamm does a pay-per-view special where she sets a new blowjob record, you'll never see $60 million again, and Nomar might be the unluckiest guy on the planet.
3) Mitch Kupchak, GM, LA Lakers. What a spineless idiot Mitch is turning out to be. Jerry West proved that, just because the owner is a complete wackjob nut with barely enough ability to control his bowels, much less run a basketball team, that doesn't mean you have to listen to him. Mitch is now praying that he gets Phil Jackson back. So after a year, you're scrambling to be just like you were 12 months ago, except without the most dominant player in the game Shaquille O'Neal. Just quit while you have any marketability left, Mitch. Plus it would be hilarious to watch Jeannie Buss as the new GM.
That's enough for now, losers!