Monday, April 11, 2005

Hello? Oh Security??

"Golf is a good walk spoiled, by golf... which sucks... and is boring. Screw golf. Where's my hooker?" - Mark Twain

Why oh why can't the PGA do something about the one thing (besides the mind-numbing slow pace of the game itself) that is DESTROYING golf?

Why is it that the 400-year old men doing security at these events have no problem 86-ing someone for using a camera at the wrong time, but won't address the real plague that makes watching the game on television (or even live I would imagine) almost completely intolerable?

By now, you must've figured out what I'm talking about. Those dipshit assholes who yell 'IN THE HOLE!!!' after EVERY SINGLE SWING. Great job, you nitwit. You saw Caddyshack too? You like to hear yourself on television? You can't think of anything clever, but you know you gotta yell something or your existence that we already know is pointless will just be proven so? I beg of you, for the love of whatever you hold sacred, SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

If I'm watching a sporting event, I'm watching the people paid to play in said event. I have no interest in listening to the former frat-guy, kegstand-practiced booming voice of some photocopier salesman from Atlanta who was awarded his tickets by winning his regional toner sell-off. Take your endless supply of Polo shirts, ram them into the trunk of your Buick LeSabre and drive off the nearest embankment. You contribute less to society than Raider fans.

Back when golf wasn't full of such douchebaggery, I don't remember thinking to myself that what this sport needs is more drunken Sig-Eps high fiving each other and spilling Coors Light all over their Dockers after every meaningless putt. Do us all a favor and go back to whatever awful housing development you paid too much to live in just because it has a gate to protect you from people who look like Tiger Woods. Watch it on TV like the rest of us, and when you're not hurling a bottle at your kids and/or wife, you can yell all you want.

With all that deep-rooted hatred aside, I was making fun of Andrew for watching golf on television yesterday, saying that would only happen in a month of sobriety. Not that I dislike golf, but unless you're bed-ridden with a hangover, I can't imagine watching the live event to be any more thrilling than watching the SportCenter highlights.

Of course, after hanging up the phone, I immediately turned it on. I have to admit, down the stretch there, and going into the playoff, that was a very exciting golf tournament. And (of course) the shot that everyone was talking about later, the chip on 16, was the most amazing shot I've seen since Larry Mize to win the Masters in the 80's.

Talk about Caddyshack! -That ball defied the laws of inertia by stopping and then starting again into the hole. I could almost see Brian Doyle Murray standing over it, waiting for it to move, as explosions are going off all around him. Even my hip-hop DJ roommate was amazed! -He looked as if he had just found a lost MF Doom album.

So, while I still contend that 9 out of 10 televised golf tournaments are painfully boring, yesterday's definitely was not, and I stand corrected. To all those I have wrongly persecuted for watching golf, I apologize.

On the Side:
Notice how the Warriors just went on an 8 game winning streak and they got no DAP from the guys, not even a mention! Maybe if they had an annoying nickname like "da Baby Bulls" they would have been slurped up.



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