Pinella is douche

Now there's a haircut you can set your watch to.

A little pressed for time at the moment, but I just gotta get off a short response about the Pinella/Schilling feud.

As much as I appreciate everything Lou did for the Mariners in the '90s, there's just no doubt that this man is a world-class pantload. Everything Schilling said was dead on. His response that 'he didn't pitch the ball' was garbage. Yes, I suppose managers never have any say in what their players do. That's why they're giving Pinella all that money, so he can have no influence on what happens during the game.

And my favorite part was Lou asking around the clubhouse if anyone's ever called him an idiot. They said 'no', and why would anyone lie if their bi-polar, foaming at the mouth jackass of a boss asked them that? The comparison drawn on yesterday's show to Bobby Knight is apt. According to former coaches, Pinella was an asshole who didn't listen as a player and he's an asshole on the bench as well. Realizing he has nothing in the way of talent in Tampa, he's going the 'thug' route and trying to turn them into a bunch of cheap-shot artists.

Lou should hurry up and retire so they can bring someone level-headed like Jose Canseco to manage the team.

Who Wants To Sex Mutombo?

Check out this site while it's still up.

Just in case it does get taken down like the webmaster is threatening to do, I'll copy off some of the text so you get the idea.

The "Who wants to sex Mutombo?" Story

In the summer of 2001, a listener called in to Jim Rome's syndicated radio show, at the time known as "The Jungle" or "The Jim Rome Show." The caller reported that he was in Georgetown one night in the early 1990's, when basketball player Dikembe Mutombo was a big star there. The caller was in a bar frequented by Georgetown students, when Mutombo came in the door. The bar went silent as everyone turned to look at the 7'2" African. Mutombo responded to the attention by bellowing, in a deep and echoing African accent, "WHO WANTS TO SEX MUTOMBO?!??"

Who is Mutombo?

Dikembe Mutombo is a native of the Congo, who attended Georgetown University on a scholarship. He was convinced to join the basketball team, and was later drafted and became a fairly well known star in the NBA, playing as a center for the Nuggets, Hawks, 76ers, Nets, Knicks, and Rockets. In 2001, Mutombo was named the "Number 1 Good Guy in Pro Sports" by The Sporting News. Read the article here. Mutombo has been heralded for his charity work in the Congo, where he personally donated $3.5 million to build a hospital, and helped raise countless other donations. Mutombo is 38 years old.

What In The Roy Tarpley Is Going On Here?

Nellie: Where the hell's the beer guy?
Avery: Sa-da-Tay!

Since it's never too early to give up and start casting blame, the time has come to name a scapegoat for the collapse of the Dallas Mavericks.

While I'd love to pin it on Avery 'Baby Fishmouth' Johnson, I think Don Nelson deserves most of the heat on this one. How nice of him to be completely uninterested for most of the season and then just up and leave the team like he just couldn't keep his eyes open long enough to coach anymore. Even if Avery's the second coming of Red Auerbach, changing a coach midway through the season and handing the reigns off to anyone but George Karl is a recipe for disaster. It didn't exactly work out well for the Lakers or Cavaliers did it?

The playoffs are when you need a good coach the most. Anyone with a pulse can roll the balls out for 82 games during the regular season, but when you play the same team for possibly seven games in a row, you may need some well thought out strategies in order to win. I'm not sure if Avery Johnson's the guy to provide that kind of strategy. Hell, I don't even know if anyone on the team can understand a goddamn word he says.

Results Of PTE's Fact Finding Mission...

In what's bound to be a shock to anyone without even the most simple understanding of California geography, my trip to the O.C. over the weekend uncovered something I'd suspected, but hadn't completely proven.

The 'Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim' is the stupidest sports team name in the history of the world. Every single person that lives in either L.A. or Anaheim (because, you see, they are in fact, different places) HATES the new moniker. The last thing the ultra-white neo-con inbreeders of Orange County want is to be associated with Los Angeles and the last thing that the Gansta-lovin, Drive-by criminals in South Central want is to be associated with Anaheim. It's a lose-lose situation.

The point of all this was, according to the team, to make the team more marketable, but aside from children buying counterfeit T-shirts in Indonesia, who is suddenly going to think that the Angels have a lot more street cred because they're now associated with the thug-life in L.A.?

If you're going to add cities willy-nilly to your team name in the hopes of increasing marketability, why didn't they just name the team the 'New York Angels of Anaheim' or 'The Mexico City/Tokyo/Mumbai Angels of Fullerton'?

Friday Loser Roundup

Let's break down the week's big tank-job sucka-ass loozers and try and figure out what makes them so unlucky/untalented.

1) Dan Gilbert, owner, Cleveland Cavaliers. Thanks to Dan, there's now a blueprint for future owners to follow of how not to run a sports franchise. I don't know if this kind of bone-headed crap worked at Quicken Loans, but it don't work in the Association. Passing substitution demands down to Paul Silas right before you fire him, causing your team to tank it's way out of the playoffs and then immediately canning Jim Paxson as if that'll cover up the fact that this was all your fault. Your loserness is caused by no one but you, jackass.

2) Nomar Garciaparra, SS, Chicago Cubs. It's bad enough knowing that the whole country is watching a tape of you going down in a crumpled mess holding your johnson over and over again. Factor in the 6 year, 60 million dollar contract you rejected so that you could come to the Cubs (just in time to watch the Sox win the World Series), and the fact that you've fallen so far so fast that unless Mia Hamm does a pay-per-view special where she sets a new blowjob record, you'll never see $60 million again, and Nomar might be the unluckiest guy on the planet.

3) Mitch Kupchak, GM, LA Lakers. What a spineless idiot Mitch is turning out to be. Jerry West proved that, just because the owner is a complete wackjob nut with barely enough ability to control his bowels, much less run a basketball team, that doesn't mean you have to listen to him. Mitch is now praying that he gets Phil Jackson back. So after a year, you're scrambling to be just like you were 12 months ago, except without the most dominant player in the game Shaquille O'Neal. Just quit while you have any marketability left, Mitch. Plus it would be hilarious to watch Jeannie Buss as the new GM.

That's enough for now, losers!

Plaschke Hatin'

The L.A. Times' Bill Plaschke, who seems to want to be the Michael Medved of sports writers (regular viewers of Around the Horn know what I'm talkin' about), expressed his disgust the other day at the way the Boston Celtics rested their players at the end of the season. Bill's argument was that "it might be the only game that a person would be able to attend all year and that person's getting cheated because Doc Rivers isn't even trying.".

What garbage.

First off, if you buy a ticket to ANY sports event for the last game of the season, you're basically making a bet. Either that game is going to be of huge significance with playoff hopes riding on the line or else completely meaningless for one or both of the teams involved. More often than not it's going to be the latter and you'll be treated to bench players and guys who didn't have time to have their names stiched on their jerseys. Second, if Doc Rivers plays 'Toine Walker and Paul Pierce 45 minutes each for no other reason than entertaining one guy who saved up empty beer cans until he could afford a ticket to the Fleetcenter, then he should be fired like yesterday. This ain't college football (which, last time I checked, is about the only sport L.A. has left anyway) where you gotta win every week. The Celtics spot was assured and risking injury to key players just to inject a little more drama into the Cavaliers/Nets race for 8th is retarded.

Robinson Takes On The Big Problems

Frank Robinson, who manages a team that had no home for the last two years and traveled around like an elderly Puerto Rican whose friends and relatives keep dying back in the homeland, is whining about the Washington Nationals lack of TV coverage.

They're getting first half of the show coverage, but apparently Frankie wants all media to begin every broadcast with slow motion pictures of Livan Hernandez striking people out while 'God Bless America' plays in the background.

Here's a short list of teams with an actual beef: Tigers, Brewers, Royals, Padres, DevilRays, Rockies, A's, D-Backs, Pirates and, oh yeah, every team that's not in New York, Boston, Philly or L.A.

It's All Over. Help Me Push Yankee Stadium Into The Hudson

Nice Rug. Did it come with a chinstrap?

Holy Concaving Catholics! The way Yankee fans are carrying on, you would think that the Bronx Bombers have been mathmatically eliminated already. From Steinbrenner's big fat trap to God's ears, Joe Jeter-fan is more than willing to panic if that's what the boss wants him to do.

Just to put things in perspective, we are now a whopping 8% of the way through the season. That's SIX games into a basketball season, SEVEN games into hockey season and ONE game into football season. As a reminder, six games into the NBA season, the big story was how dominant the Utah Jazz were and how nobody had an answer for the one-two punch of Andrei Kirilenko and Carlos Boozer. Last time I checked, they finished 19 games out of a playoff spot in a league where everyone makes the playoffs.

As was pointed out, it's most likely Steinbrenner realizing they've got a long home stand coming up against shitty teams, so why not say something like this so he can take credit for their 'turnaround'. That's probably true, but does everyone have to eat it up like he just fired the whole squad?

Jermaine O'Neal Also Has A Dream

We can go fight and die in Iraq, but we can't drive Escalades before age 20 based on nothing more than potential? What is this, Russia?

According to Jermaine 'Fists Of Fury' O'Neal, the 'man' (or in this case, David Stern) is trying to keep his people down by imposing a 20 year old age limit on the NBA.

Maybe he's right. Turns out you have to be 21 to work in a liquor store. You also don't see a lot of young men being interviewed for the open Pope position either. And the last time I saw Shakespeare's King Lear, it was some old guy playing the lead! Perhaps Jermaine's right and these are ALL examples of those in power wanting to make sure that the only options that young african-american males have before age 20 are either regular work or (god forbid) a free education! Not since the days of seperate water fountains have I seen such a clear example of racial intolerance!

Perhaps what Jermaine needs to be reminded of is that the NBA is ENTERTAINMENT. It's not some community project designed to pull young men up by their bootstraps and give them a chance at a better life. If it is, it's a pretty lousy program. Imagine if the Boys Club or United Way only helped 2 or 3 people a year and gave them $100 million dollars each while the 10 million or so who didn't qualify got nothing. Needless to say, I don't think I'll be nominating Mr. O'Neal to be head of any of the President's 'faith based' initiatives any time soon.

The main reason I'd like to see an age limit put into place is purely selfish for me. Watching a league where the average age continues downward sucks. Average older players are forced out of basketball so that Sebastian Telfair can spend 5 years learning how to play point guard and charge me $100 a seat for the privilege of watching. How exciting has the NBA become? Ask anyone who's watched Kwame Brown play for the last 4 years. Ask anyone how many years it'll be before Andris Biedrins or Darko Milicic are any good?

The flaw in O'Neal's reasoning is that if a player comes out of high school and doesn't want to go to college, that there's no other way for him to make an income. As far as I know, Europe doesn't have an age limit. The NBDL also seems made for someone in this situation. So apparently O'Neal's just angry that 17 year old high school students can't become millionaires before they've actually proven that they have any talent. Welcome to life for everyone else.

Oh and P.S. Wilbon, Kruk and Mariotti are all jackasses for thinking there's something horribly wrong with Lowe and Roberts wearing Sox jerseys for the ring ceremony. It's not going to 'confuse' anyone (except possibly the very old and retarded) and if the Cubs ever win in your lifetime, you'll want everyone that ever visited Chicago to come back and wear your ugly jerseys. Why don't they make Kruk wear a T-shirt that says 'ball cancer survivor' so that I'm not confused as to why he left the game?

Sayer of Sooths!! He Who Sees What Has Yet to Be Saw... or something like that

How would a coffin help him see the future?

I'll let Jeff weigh in on the Lords of the Rings since he's actually from the greater Boston area (for the next year or so, everything east of Syracuse counts as greater Beantown).

As for me, since it's never too early to make half-baked, pie-in-the-sky double-careening bankshot predictions that'll only serve to make me look foolish later on, here's some prognostications of matchups/winners of the upcoming NBA playoffs;

Round one;
PHX-MEM, 4-1
SA-HOU, 4-2
SEA-DEN, a super Kharmic payback for '94 with Denver going up 3-0 and Seattle coming back to tie it. Then Seattle chokes and Denver wins 4-3.
DAL-SAC, 4-1.

MIA-NJ, 4-0
DET-CLE, 4-1
BOS-IND, 4-1
CHI-WAS, 2-4 Wizards take it, shutting Wilbon up.

Second Round;
PHX-DAL, 3-4 Mavericks in an upset. Score of game 7: 160-159
SA-DEN, 4-2

MIA-WAS, 4-0
DET-BOS, 4-2

Conference Finals;
SA-DAL, 4-2
MIA-DET, 2-4 Pistons back in championship

Finals;
SA-DET, 4-2 Spurs win, Ginobili named MVP.

Oh yeah, and draft lottery goes; ATL, LAL, CHA and on down.

We now return you to your laughable human state of being.

Hello? Oh Security??

"Golf is a good walk spoiled, by golf... which sucks... and is boring. Screw golf. Where's my hooker?" - Mark Twain

Why oh why can't the PGA do something about the one thing (besides the mind-numbing slow pace of the game itself) that is DESTROYING golf?

Why is it that the 400-year old men doing security at these events have no problem 86-ing someone for using a camera at the wrong time, but won't address the real plague that makes watching the game on television (or even live I would imagine) almost completely intolerable?

By now, you must've figured out what I'm talking about. Those dipshit assholes who yell 'IN THE HOLE!!!' after EVERY SINGLE SWING. Great job, you nitwit. You saw Caddyshack too? You like to hear yourself on television? You can't think of anything clever, but you know you gotta yell something or your existence that we already know is pointless will just be proven so? I beg of you, for the love of whatever you hold sacred, SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

If I'm watching a sporting event, I'm watching the people paid to play in said event. I have no interest in listening to the former frat-guy, kegstand-practiced booming voice of some photocopier salesman from Atlanta who was awarded his tickets by winning his regional toner sell-off. Take your endless supply of Polo shirts, ram them into the trunk of your Buick LeSabre and drive off the nearest embankment. You contribute less to society than Raider fans.

Back when golf wasn't full of such douchebaggery, I don't remember thinking to myself that what this sport needs is more drunken Sig-Eps high fiving each other and spilling Coors Light all over their Dockers after every meaningless putt. Do us all a favor and go back to whatever awful housing development you paid too much to live in just because it has a gate to protect you from people who look like Tiger Woods. Watch it on TV like the rest of us, and when you're not hurling a bottle at your kids and/or wife, you can yell all you want.

Afterward:

With all that deep-rooted hatred aside, I was making fun of Andrew for watching golf on television yesterday, saying that would only happen in a month of sobriety. Not that I dislike golf, but unless you're bed-ridden with a hangover, I can't imagine watching the live event to be any more thrilling than watching the SportCenter highlights.

Of course, after hanging up the phone, I immediately turned it on. I have to admit, down the stretch there, and going into the playoff, that was a very exciting golf tournament. And (of course) the shot that everyone was talking about later, the chip on 16, was the most amazing shot I've seen since Larry Mize to win the Masters in the 80's.

Talk about Caddyshack! -That ball defied the laws of inertia by stopping and then starting again into the hole. I could almost see Brian Doyle Murray standing over it, waiting for it to move, as explosions are going off all around him. Even my hip-hop DJ roommate was amazed! -He looked as if he had just found a lost MF Doom album.

So, while I still contend that 9 out of 10 televised golf tournaments are painfully boring, yesterday's definitely was not, and I stand corrected. To all those I have wrongly persecuted for watching golf, I apologize.

On the Side:
Notice how the Warriors just went on an 8 game winning streak and they got no DAP from the guys, not even a mention! Maybe if they had an annoying nickname like "da Baby Bulls" they would have been slurped up.

-Jeff

The Fix Is In

Tony seems to think (and I tend to agree) that the fix is in with the NBA lottery and that, much in the same way that the Knicks were 'lucky' enough to get Patrick Ewing that the Lakers will get the #1 pick, take Andrew Bogut and be back in the playoffs.

Like I said, I dont' doubt that the Lakers will win a fixed lottery. My only contention would be that Andrew Bogut suddenly makes the Lakers a playoff team. Who exactly are they going to leap frog to take away a spot? You figure 1-5 are completely solid for next year (San Antonio, Phoenix, Dallas, Houston and Denver). leaving three spots open for the following teams; Seattle (all depends on free agency losses), Memphis (can't help but be healthier next season), Sacramento, the newly energized Golden State Warriors, a possibly re-tooled Minnesota and a continually improving L.A. Clippers team.

Even if the lottery was so fixed that they gave the Lakers the top 2 picks, I don't think you plug a couple of college players onto that team and suddenly become showtime again, and given their cap difficulties and the fact that Jerry West ain't walkin' through that door, the Lake show's in for a long drought.

Red Sox... Too Early To Panic?

Here's a picture of David Wells after hearing how many chicken soft tacos you can buy with $8 million dollars.

I know it's only two games in, but David Wells? Do you honestly think the Sox would've even taken a second look at this tub if he hadn't been a hero at Yankee stadium? He was the only 'beloved former Yankee' on the market and they did what they had to do to get him. The only trouble is that he hasn't been that good the last couple of years and you're asking him to fill the shoes of Pedro.

Couple that with asking Clement to fill the shoes of Derek Lowe and I'm just not feeling it this year for the Red Sox. Schilling's a great guy to have in the #1 spot, but it was a whole hell of a lot scarier when he was #2, and the drop from 1 to 2 to 3 is noticeable this year. The words 'rely' and 'Wakefield and Arroyo' should never be used together.

Oh, and Wilbon, I'm writing this from the WEST coast and I didn't grow up in New York or Boston. Get over your retarded midwest jealousy about the Northeast. People don't care about the Cubs and White Sox because they SUCK, not because of some geographical bias. If Chicago and St. Louis played every single year in fall classic after fall classic, battling it out decade after decade, then the country would look forward to their meetings as much as a 'meaningless' game between the Yanks and the Sawks in April.

Top Ten People I'd Rather Be Right Now

Drunk talk... sweet, sweet drunk talk...

In the spirit of 'no-spirit' April, defined by Jeff's last post, I've decided to list the Ten Drunkest People In Sports, Worldwide! If there's anybody more soused up than those listed, leave it in the comments.

#10 - Harry Redknapp, manager, Southampton Football club, English Premier League. Looks like he's actually been living in a tub of gin for about 10 years.

#9 - Jeff O'Neill, forward, Carolina Hurricanes. Gotta do something during the lockout.

#8 - Donte Curry, Detroit Lions LB. Fell asleep drunk while going to pick his kids up from school. Would be much higher if he was more famous or married to Arvydas Sabonis.

#7 - Larry Eustachy, former head coach, Iowa State University. Yeah, take my picture chugging this beer next to this 18 year old. I'm the smartest man in the world!!

#6 - Mike Price, current coach, UTEP. 'Too drunk to remember is 'always' a good excuse.

#5 - Rafael Furcal, shortstop, Atlanta Braves. Jesus Rafi, take a cab once in awhile.

#4 - Michael Phelps, Olympic gold medalist swimmer. To paraphrase Dean Wermer; "19, drunk and on the Wheaties box is no way to go through life son".

#3 - Sir Bobby Robson, former manager, Newcastle United. Just look at him.

#2 - Bob Huggins, head coach, Cincinnati. Hard to picture level-headed sweetheart Bobby on the sauce I know.

#1 - Broadway Joe Namath, sideline reporter, former legend. Oh c'mon. Could it be anyone else? "I wanna kiss you" will live forever.

Now I beg of you, go out and get loaded tonight. I know it's only Monday, but do it for those who can't do it for themselves!!

UPDATE: Jeff's picks-

Okay, here are three additions I'd like to nominate:

• Vin Baker - Who tries to play professional basketball hammered? -Vincent does!
• Jim Calhoun - What is it about Connecticut that makes people drink? I actually have never seen Jim sloshed, but I've heard first hand accounts of his love of the sauce.
• Mickey Mantle - Can you believe they actually wasted a liver transplant on this dude? -Only to have him die a month later. I'd bet my own liver he had a drink to celebrate how well the operation went.

And these guys, too:



I've never heard of them being souses, but the photos say it all. Besides, when a Kraut and a Cannuck get together, you know some beer will be drunk (or spilled all over your shirt).

P.S. UNC is a two point favorite over Illinois in tonight's game. Prediction: You take those points, and then collect your money after the game.

Worthy of A Married Couple...

There was a great exchange between TK and Wilbon on yesterday's show. Wilbon was going on and on about his precious 'Baby Bulls' (probably my new least favorite nickname in sports, replacing the New York Mets completely ill-fitting 'The Amazin's') and used the statistic of Opponent's Field Goal Percentage to show their league dominance. Tony of course instantly made fun of this, asking Wilbon if they also lead the league in Shoe Size.

But Wilbon, never one to back down from a fight, informed Tony that if 'Larry Brown had said it, you'd think it was the most important stat ever'. Touche, bitch.

This is why Tony will never win an argument against someone who knows him that well. He's got too many man-crushes and people he's raised to god-like levels. Arguing about women? Just throw out Tonya Harding. College sports? Ask him how SUNY-Binghamton did last year. Baseball? Play the video of A-Rod girlie-slapping the ball out of Bronson Arroyo's hand.

These are all just tips for the one day we'll all have to argue with Kornheiser about something. Leave your Mortal Kombat fatality moves for either TK or Wilbon in the comments.