Friday, October 06, 2006

I Agree With That Guy...

Yeah, it was fun while it lasted, but Wilbon's douche-ness is too much for me to take too. With Kornheiser away more than half the time to do MNF, the show has gone right into the toilet. Lebetard is just unwatchable, Whitlock is miserable, and Jay Mariotti is like a black version of Wilbon (yes, that's what I meant). The only way this show could regain it's glory would be if Kornheiser comes back full time, ditches Wilbon and brings in Bob Ryan on a permanent basis.

They'll never recapture the true glory days, however. Back when Max was hosting Around the Horn and Tony and Mike were actually trying.

Good times...

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

All That's Missing Are The Dokken T-shirts And Acid Washed Jeans

Congratulations Gators. You played well and more importantly, made me look like Mr. basketball genius for picking y'all (of course, that was probably negated slightly by my picks of Iowa, Kansas and Tennessee to round out the final four, but I digress).

But enough about that. What the hell is up with bad moustaches in the NCAA? I haven't seen this much poorly grown facial hair since the back parking lot of high school.



From left, National champion Joakim Noah, crying diabetic Adam Morrison, and for no good reason, crummy point guard Kevin Ollie.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Like Christmas Having Sex With Your Birthday

It's the most wonderfullest time of the year. Time for the stinkin' Tournament!

First of all, congratulations to JJ Redick and Adam Morrison for sharing this year's 'Larry Bird Trophy For Certain Intangibles'.

And before I get to my totally spot-on, can't miss picks, a big screw you as usual to Jay Bilas and Steve Lavin of ESPN. The two most shameless homers in all of sports broadcasting did not dissapoint as Jay spent half of the selection show crying about how Duke has the 'hardest' bracket (right before picking them to breeze through it), and then Linda Lavin enthusiastically predicts that some team called 'UCLA' will make it to the final four. Nice objectivity, douchebags.

Anyway, so as not to bore y'all with each and every picks, here's the upsets only;

First Round: Iona over LSU, Oral Roberts over Memphis, Bucknell over Arkansas, Kent State over Pittsburgh, Alabama over Marquette, Wisconsin over Arizona, Seton Hall over Wichita State, George Mason over MSU, UAB over Kentucky.

Second Round: Alabama over UCLA, Wisconsin over Villanova, George Mason over North Carolina, Washington over Illinois.

Sweet 16: Iowa over Texas, Alabama over Gonzaga, Florida over Ohio State.

Elite 8: Iowa over Duke, Kansas over Alabama, Tennessee over UConn, Florida over Boston College.

Final Four: Iowa over Kansas, Florida over Tennessee.

Final: Florida 65-61 over Iowa.

Believe it!!

Monday, February 13, 2006

Remedial Math With Mike Wilbon...

A couple things from today's show make me think that Mike and Tony (but especially Mike) need to 'revisit' a basic math class before opening their traps.

First, from the story on snowboarding. Both call the sport 'unwatchable' because 'no one under the age of 30 knows what a '1080' is. Now I have to admit, when I first started watching it, it sounded a little strange to me. But then over the course of the next 20 or 30 seconds, I was able to figure it out. IF YOU SPIN IN THE AIR THREE TIMES, THAT'S '3' TIMES '360' DEGREES, WHICH SEEMS TO EQUAL '1080'. Good job guys.

Next, while talking about Wayne Gretzky's wife betting $500,000, Wilbon says, "That's like a guy who makes $50,000 noticing his wife betting $10. This one required even more number crunching than the previous problem, but after doing the math I figure that in order for this to be true, Wayne Gretzky's yearly salary would have to be somewhere in the neighborhood of TWENTY FIVE BILLION DOLLARS, easily making him the richest man in the entire world.

I know sports talk is all about hyperbole, but calculators are built in to most computers these days, making these kind of gross errors just unforgivable.

Class dismissed...

Friday, February 10, 2006

I Believe Wayne Gretzky Is Somehow To Blame

Yeah yeah, so the Seahawks lost. I guess one team just wanted it more. That team, of course, being the team of officials. That being said, the Steelers made two big plays when it counted and I'll be the bigger man (literally) and give them their due props and not contribute to Seattle's building reputation as a city of whiners.

The real reason that I'm happy for the people of Pittsburgh is that I've been in Western Pennsylvania, and if there's anyone that needs a 'pick me up' in the whole world, it's them. I would imagine Sao Paulo shantytowns to be slightly less depressing than cities like Altoona and Johnstown. So if it prevented a few people from putting a gun in their mouth for another week, how can I not be pleased?

Why is everyone so depressed there? Well, let's take a look at the average lifespan of someone from Western PA;

0-14: Hang out in dead grass backyard staring at pole that used to have a tetherball attached to it 30 years ago.

15-18: Find only thing approaching 'meaning' in their life when they play high school football. Most of rest of life will be spent trying to simultaneously relive the entire experience while trying to block out the many borderline 'gay' things they did with the other players in the locker room.

18-25: Off to the Army to try and get killed so they don't have to come back to this awful place.

26-40: Combination of construction, collecting disability and getting laid off.

40-50: Awful sales job only done to keep up with alimony payments to avoid prison.

50-death: Standing outside of hideously ugly brick home with a look on their face that seems to scream, "What the fuck?!"

So if they can mix one Superbowl win in there every 25 years, I say good for them.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Perhaps Someday The Fear Will Pass, And I'll Be Able To Say "Go Seahawks"...

I'm not a terribly superstitious fellow. All that baloney about pitchers not stepping on the base paths during a no hitter, certain clothes bringing good luck etc. seems like hooey. That, and any other pre or during game rituals done by players or fans seems like mild OCD cloaked in some sort of weird, meglomaniacal belief that the deity that controls everything in the sports world is just as neurotic as the humans watching, and that if Joe Lunchpail doesn't wear the same sweater that he wears every Sunday that Jesus/God/Allah/Buddah/Sky Fairy will get all confused and cause the kicker to shank one to the right as the clock runs down.

All that being said, I have been petrified to jump on the Seahawks bandwagon this year. For more than 20 years, this team provided me with no reason whatsoever to believe that this season would be anything other than another slightly mediocre year followed by a quick exit from the playoffs.

You would think that this season should've erased all doubts in my mind. After all, they haven't lost a meaningful game since September, they have a seasoned veteran quarterback having his most mistake-free season ever, a running back who was only good enough to break the single season record for touchdowns, an exciting defense that makes big plays, and a totally solid special teams unit.

And yet...

They failed to do the one thing this year that would've shut every east coast-biased, Atlantic time zone, Mike and the Mad Dog-listening douchebag up. THEY FAILED TO BEAT THE GIANTS BY MORE THAN 40 POINTS TWO MONTHS AGO. Ever since that day, there's no impressing anyone. They could've gone completely undefeated, and every conversation I've had with an east coast football fan would've still gone the same way. "I'm just not convinced. They totally lucked out that one game. They didn't beat the Redskins THAT convincingly." And most important and compelling, "They're all the way up there in the middle of nowhere".

Even up until last week, I was still apologizing for sticking up for these guys, telling people it wouldn't surprise me if Carolina kicked their ass (even if I knew in my head that they could easily beat Jake DelHomme, and that the only reason they'd run so far in the playoffs up until now was that they'd played two teams that didn't take them seriously, and couldn't game plan on either side of the ball to save their lives).

I'm also aware that pressure is a very real thing, and that the more I go around tooting the Hawks horn, that adds 1 one millionth more of a weight onto their shoulders as they go out there next Sunday.

So let me just say this. In the least cocky, non-pressure creating way I can, I'm going to cheer on the Seattle Seahawks next weekend. The time for keeping quiet is over, but while I'll definitely bring it on gameday, I'm going to sit back and let the pressure on Pittsburgh increase. I've got a lot of respect for Roethlisberger and Bettis, but as they start to see the magnitude of expectations being heaped on them, I think they'll crack, and hopefully Seattle will be there to pick up the pieces.

Now, while I'm on the subject of the Seahawks, let me just air one grievance;

The whole '12th man' thing, just stop it already. It smacks of something that a small town with a crummy team has to do rile up support amongst the yahoos. Yes, we get it, you have passionate fans, I'm one of them, but so does everyone else, and #12 wasn't exactly the MVP of the team while they were getting their heads kicked in the last 20 years, so why are y'all taking so much credit now?

So Knock on wood, cross fingers and toes and put on your lucky socks people! It's time for the Seahawks to play in a Super Bowl!!!

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Marco Baghdatis' Girlfriend makes Marat Safin's Look Like A Pile Of Puke...

The Internet has totally let me down again in that any and all searches for 'Marco Baghdatis girlfriend' or even just 'Marco Baghdatis' yield next to nothing.

For now, you'll have to take it on good faith that in the race for 'hottest tennis player's girlfriend', the guy who sounds like his name came from some Jerry Bruckheimer terrorist name generator has a blonde little number that makes 'The future Mrs. Kornheiser' look like pre-op Phyllis Diller.

Oooofff!!!

P.S. A Seahawks Superbowl preview is coming. I just don't want to blow my wad too early, if you catch my meaning, which I hope you don't, because I'm not sure what I mean by it myself.