Pardon The Eruption

I Agree With That Guy...

2006-10-06T08:59:00.000-07:00

Yeah, it was fun while it lasted, but Wilbon's douche-ness is too much for me to take too. With Kornheiser away more than half the time to do MNF, the show has gone right into the toilet. Lebetard is just unwatchable, Whitlock is miserable, and Jay Mariotti is like a black version of Wilbon (yes, that's what I meant). The only way this show could regain it's glory would be if Kornheiser comes back full time, ditches Wilbon and brings in Bob Ryan on a permanent basis.

They'll never recapture the true glory days, however. Back when Max was hosting Around the Horn and Tony and Mike were actually trying.

Good times...

"-What is it...?"

2006-09-20T00:47:00.000-07:00

"-I don't know... but it's warm..."

This is honestly not a reaction to anything that I saw today on PTI, but I took the show off my Tivo Season Pass list. I can't pin-point one clear "Jump the Shark" moment, but the show's been thoroughly boring for quite some time now. -Maybe it's Tony's pathetic prime-time assimilation attempt, or maybe I've just had enough of Wilbon's weak and misguided"South Side" tough-guy routine, but it all just seems like a waste of time now. -A waste of time to watch, and an even larger waste of time to write about (reading this, of course, was always the most noble, least pathetic, endeavor of all).

Regardless, I wish them, and all five of you, the best of luck in whatever future projects you undertake.

-Jeff

All That's Missing Are The Dokken T-shirts And Acid Washed Jeans

2006-04-04T07:42:00.000-07:00

Congratulations Gators. You played well and more importantly, made me look like Mr. basketball genius for picking y'all (of course, that was probably negated slightly by my picks of Iowa, Kansas and Tennessee to round out the final four, but I digress).

But enough about that. What the hell is up with bad moustaches in the NCAA? I haven't seen this much poorly grown facial hair since the back parking lot of high school.

From left, National champion Joakim Noah, crying diabetic Adam Morrison, and for no good reason, crummy point guard Kevin Ollie.

Like Christmas Having Sex With Your Birthday

2006-03-16T07:30:00.000-08:00

It's the most wonderfullest time of the year. Time for the stinkin' Tournament!

First of all, congratulations to JJ Redick and Adam Morrison for sharing this year's 'Larry Bird Trophy For Certain Intangibles'.

And before I get to my totally spot-on, can't miss picks, a big screw you as usual to Jay Bilas and Steve Lavin of ESPN. The two most shameless homers in all of sports broadcasting did not dissapoint as Jay spent half of the selection show crying about how Duke has the 'hardest' bracket (right before picking them to breeze through it), and then Linda Lavin enthusiastically predicts that some team called 'UCLA' will make it to the final four. Nice objectivity, douchebags.

Anyway, so as not to bore y'all with each and every picks, here's the upsets only;

First Round: Iona over LSU, Oral Roberts over Memphis, Bucknell over Arkansas, Kent State over Pittsburgh, Alabama over Marquette, Wisconsin over Arizona, Seton Hall over Wichita State, George Mason over MSU, UAB over Kentucky.

Second Round: Alabama over UCLA, Wisconsin over Villanova, George Mason over North Carolina, Washington over Illinois.

Sweet 16: Iowa over Texas, Alabama over Gonzaga, Florida over Ohio State.

Elite 8: Iowa over Duke, Kansas over Alabama, Tennessee over UConn, Florida over Boston College.

Final Four: Iowa over Kansas, Florida over Tennessee.

Final: Florida 65-61 over Iowa.

Believe it!!

Credit in the Steroid Era?

2006-03-13T22:47:00.000-08:00

Indeed. I do hate Johnny Damon now. In the words of Boston Paul, who stayed at the apartment a few months ago, "I hope he breaks his spine on opening day." (DAMN!)

Bourdet and I were talking about the baseball steroids scandal and we both agreed, the one guy who's never going to get credit for not taking steroids is Ken Griffey Jr.

Everyone loved to harp on how frequently he got hurt. If he was on the juice, think of how much faster he could have got back into the line-up (which, I've read, is a major motivation to use steroids), not to mention how it would have improved his game. I honestly think, if you gave Jim Rice or Andre Dawson the same steroids that Bonds took, he'd be chasing their records. If you gave the same steroids to Griffey Jr., forgettaboutit! -He'd be the reigning home run king. Hell, at the beginning of his career, people had already mathematically figured out if he stayed healthy and had mediocre years, he'd eventually break Aaron's record, but it just didn't work out that way.

I know it's tough to look at this whole dark chapter and try to give credit to someone who didn't cheat, but think of all the temptation that Griffey had all around him: the records, the money, the attention, the legacy, getting off the injured list faster, and he still managed to play fair. That's remarkable in today's sports climate.

Remedial Math With Mike Wilbon...

2006-02-13T19:03:00.000-08:00

A couple things from today's show make me think that Mike and Tony (but especially Mike) need to 'revisit' a basic math class before opening their traps.

First, from the story on snowboarding. Both call the sport 'unwatchable' because 'no one under the age of 30 knows what a '1080' is. Now I have to admit, when I first started watching it, it sounded a little strange to me. But then over the course of the next 20 or 30 seconds, I was able to figure it out. IF YOU SPIN IN THE AIR THREE TIMES, THAT'S '3' TIMES '360' DEGREES, WHICH SEEMS TO EQUAL '1080'. Good job guys.

Next, while talking about Wayne Gretzky's wife betting $500,000, Wilbon says, "That's like a guy who makes $50,000 noticing his wife betting $10. This one required even more number crunching than the previous problem, but after doing the math I figure that in order for this to be true, Wayne Gretzky's yearly salary would have to be somewhere in the neighborhood of TWENTY FIVE BILLION DOLLARS, easily making him the richest man in the entire world.

I know sports talk is all about hyperbole, but calculators are built in to most computers these days, making these kind of gross errors just unforgivable.

Class dismissed...

I Believe Wayne Gretzky Is Somehow To Blame

2006-02-10T07:17:00.000-08:00

Yeah yeah, so the Seahawks lost. I guess one team just wanted it more. That team, of course, being the team of officials. That being said, the Steelers made two big plays when it counted and I'll be the bigger man (literally) and give them their due props and not contribute to Seattle's building reputation as a city of whiners.

The real reason that I'm happy for the people of Pittsburgh is that I've been in Western Pennsylvania, and if there's anyone that needs a 'pick me up' in the whole world, it's them. I would imagine Sao Paulo shantytowns to be slightly less depressing than cities like Altoona and Johnstown. So if it prevented a few people from putting a gun in their mouth for another week, how can I not be pleased?

Why is everyone so depressed there? Well, let's take a look at the average lifespan of someone from Western PA;

0-14: Hang out in dead grass backyard staring at pole that used to have a tetherball attached to it 30 years ago.

15-18: Find only thing approaching 'meaning' in their life when they play high school football. Most of rest of life will be spent trying to simultaneously relive the entire experience while trying to block out the many borderline 'gay' things they did with the other players in the locker room.

18-25: Off to the Army to try and get killed so they don't have to come back to this awful place.

26-40: Combination of construction, collecting disability and getting laid off.

40-50: Awful sales job only done to keep up with alimony payments to avoid prison.

50-death: Standing outside of hideously ugly brick home with a look on their face that seems to scream, "What the fuck?!"

So if they can mix one Superbowl win in there every 25 years, I say good for them.

Perhaps Someday The Fear Will Pass, And I'll Be Able To Say "Go Seahawks"...

2006-01-29T11:34:00.000-08:00

I'm not a terribly superstitious fellow. All that baloney about pitchers not stepping on the base paths during a no hitter, certain clothes bringing good luck etc. seems like hooey. That, and any other pre or during game rituals done by players or fans seems like mild OCD cloaked in some sort of weird, meglomaniacal belief that the deity that controls everything in the sports world is just as neurotic as the humans watching, and that if Joe Lunchpail doesn't wear the same sweater that he wears every Sunday that Jesus/God/Allah/Buddah/Sky Fairy will get all confused and cause the kicker to shank one to the right as the clock runs down.

All that being said, I have been petrified to jump on the Seahawks bandwagon this year. For more than 20 years, this team provided me with no reason whatsoever to believe that this season would be anything other than another slightly mediocre year followed by a quick exit from the playoffs.

You would think that this season should've erased all doubts in my mind. After all, they haven't lost a meaningful game since September, they have a seasoned veteran quarterback having his most mistake-free season ever, a running back who was only good enough to break the single season record for touchdowns, an exciting defense that makes big plays, and a totally solid special teams unit.

And yet...

They failed to do the one thing this year that would've shut every east coast-biased, Atlantic time zone, Mike and the Mad Dog-listening douchebag up. THEY FAILED TO BEAT THE GIANTS BY MORE THAN 40 POINTS TWO MONTHS AGO. Ever since that day, there's no impressing anyone. They could've gone completely undefeated, and every conversation I've had with an east coast football fan would've still gone the same way. "I'm just not convinced. They totally lucked out that one game. They didn't beat the Redskins THAT convincingly." And most important and compelling, "They're all the way up there in the middle of nowhere".

Even up until last week, I was still apologizing for sticking up for these guys, telling people it wouldn't surprise me if Carolina kicked their ass (even if I knew in my head that they could easily beat Jake DelHomme, and that the only reason they'd run so far in the playoffs up until now was that they'd played two teams that didn't take them seriously, and couldn't game plan on either side of the ball to save their lives).

I'm also aware that pressure is a very real thing, and that the more I go around tooting the Hawks horn, that adds 1 one millionth more of a weight onto their shoulders as they go out there next Sunday.

So let me just say this. In the least cocky, non-pressure creating way I can, I'm going to cheer on the Seattle Seahawks next weekend. The time for keeping quiet is over, but while I'll definitely bring it on gameday, I'm going to sit back and let the pressure on Pittsburgh increase. I've got a lot of respect for Roethlisberger and Bettis, but as they start to see the magnitude of expectations being heaped on them, I think they'll crack, and hopefully Seattle will be there to pick up the pieces.

Now, while I'm on the subject of the Seahawks, let me just air one grievance;

The whole '12th man' thing, just stop it already. It smacks of something that a small town with a crummy team has to do rile up support amongst the yahoos. Yes, we get it, you have passionate fans, I'm one of them, but so does everyone else, and #12 wasn't exactly the MVP of the team while they were getting their heads kicked in the last 20 years, so why are y'all taking so much credit now?

So Knock on wood, cross fingers and toes and put on your lucky socks people! It's time for the Seahawks to play in a Super Bowl!!!

Marco Baghdatis' Girlfriend makes Marat Safin's Look Like A Pile Of Puke...

2006-01-26T16:18:00.000-08:00

The Internet has totally let me down again in that any and all searches for 'Marco Baghdatis girlfriend' or even just 'Marco Baghdatis' yield next to nothing.

For now, you'll have to take it on good faith that in the race for 'hottest tennis player's girlfriend', the guy who sounds like his name came from some Jerry Bruckheimer terrorist name generator has a blonde little number that makes 'The future Mrs. Kornheiser' look like pre-op Phyllis Diller.

Oooofff!!!

P.S. A Seahawks Superbowl preview is coming. I just don't want to blow my wad too early, if you catch my meaning, which I hope you don't, because I'm not sure what I mean by it myself.

Ladies And Gentlemen...

2006-01-18T08:19:00.000-08:00

...meet the new Alex Rodriguez

Stephen A. Smith Is Wrong For Once (O.K., Maybe the 100th Time)...

2006-01-10T15:31:00.000-08:00

Today on Sportscenter, Stephen A. 'Med-ve-den-ko' Smith' proclaimed Allen Iverson to be better than Kobe Bryant based on the players that surround each guy. Now, as Smith would say, "Let me make one thing perfectly clear". I'm no fan of Kobe Bryant. I happen to think he's one of the biggest walking douchebags in the league. But let's just take a quick look at a player by player comparison of who 'Drive-by-verson' plays with compared to Kobe's 'help';

Center; Dalembert vs. Mihm: A wash. Maybe a slight advantage to Dalembert, just because he's Haitian (and Mihm went to Texas and they just won the National championship so screw them).

Power Forward; Webber vs. Brian Cook: Not very close. Webber by about 34 Power Forwards in the league.

Shooting Forward; Korver vs. Odom: Maybe Odom by a tiny bit due to versatility. I'd rather have Korver on my team just for consistency.

Shooting Guard; Iguodala vs. Bryant: As fun as Andre is to watch, c'mon, don't be stupid... The asshole rapist in a landslide.

Point Guard; Iverson vs. Smush Parker: About as lopsided as you can get.

So just to recap, the Lakers barely are better at one and a half positions and the Sixers dominate heavily in three and a half positions, almost laughably so.

Good point Stephen. It's so obvious to me now how much more valuable Allen Iverson is to his team. It's nice to see that you don't let home-town feelings cloud your judgement when it comes to basketball.

Pre, Pre-Dictions, Pre, Pre, Pre-Dictions!!!

2006-01-03T16:57:00.000-08:00

Time once again to ensure that I look foolish 3 to 4 weeks from now by offering IRON CLAD locks for upcoming football. These picks are as solid as Bob Weiss' job security as Seattle Supersonics head coach!

Here goes!!!

First, College Football;

FSU v. PSU. 28-17 Penn State. Honestly, who gives a shit, but in the Geezers at Caesars, I'll give a slight advantage to the greasy guy with sunglasses over the old racist redneck. UPDATE: Woohoo, 1 for 1!!

Texas v. USC. 38-10 Trojans. Is there anything more predictable than the way the media have handled this game. First they go on for 3 weeks about how dominant USC is, then, realizing that everyone's losing interest, suddenly start talking about how 'the media' (which, as you'll remember, is them) hasn't been giving Texas any credit. It's like watching a retarded kid try and do calculus. UPDATE: Ok I blew it, but if Reggie Bush hadn't gone momentarily brain dead and lateralled that ball in the 2nd quarter, USC would've won by 30...

Now, Pro Football;

Tampa Bay 28, Washington 9. If the Redskins were from any other part of the country, people would be shaking their head in disbelief that they're even in the playoffs. As little faith as I have in Chris Simms, I still think he's got more in the tank than Brunell at this point. UPDATE: Woopsie... I guess Washington's pretty good defensively. Seattle will still kick their ass, however.

Patriots 30, Jacksonville 28. Closer than people think, but who the hell can name more than 3 Jaguars? UPDATE: Not so close after all.

Carolina 33, NY Giants 3. Eli Manning is a tool, a geek, and an ingrate. His draft day shenanigans will come back to bite him in the ass over the next couple of years as he makes Chad Pennington look like the reliable East Rutherford quarterback. UPDATE: Hell fuckin' yeah, I was right! Maybe this will finally shut up the assholes saying that Shawn Alexander shouldn't have won MVP and Tiki '45 yards' Barber should have! Of course, in the grand tradition of East coast biased douchebags, sportswriters are now proclaiming themselves victims, saying that everyone's desperate to criticize Manning and the Giants BECAUSE they were built up so much!!! What the fuck? Take your defeat like a man, New York!!

Cincinnati 45, Pittsburgh 35. Chad Johnson becomes a super, superstar. UPDATE: Maybe not. Good game plan on Pittsburgh's part. I wouldn't have ever thought of breaking the leg of the deserved AFC MVP. Shut up Pitts-town, you know it's true.

Semifinals;

Chicago 9, Tampa Bay 6. The single worst playoff game ever.

Seattle 28, Carolina 25 in OT. Great game with a 50 yard field goal to win it.

Bengals 21, Denver 13. Here's everything you need to know about this game; Jake Plummer running plays drawn up by offensive coordinator Gary Kubiak.

Patriots 48, Colts 42 in OT. Brady goes apeshit bonkers in the game that seals his reputation as the new Montana and seals Peyton Manning's reputation as the new Alex Rodriguez.

AFC/NFC Title games;

Seattle 6, Chicago 0. New single worst playoff game ever.

Cincinnati 28, New England 14. Patriots suffer complete let down after emotional victory in Indianapolis while Chad Johnson continues to become the most popular player in the league.

Superbowl XL;

Cincinnati 31, Seattle 28. Won on a last second field goal. Lowest rated Superbowl ever, but probably the most entertaining.

That's it. Put it in the bank, bitches!!!!

A Sneak Preview Of Jeff's Next Post...

2005-12-21T18:51:00.000-08:00

Fuck Johnny Damon. (Call it an inspired guess)
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Live/Learn...

2005-12-18T17:46:00.000-08:00

First off, I apologize for taking time off. I know there are literally ones of you out there waiting for my next rant. Things should be more attentive now that the Feds are off my tail.

Now... anyone taking joy in the Colts loss tonight who isn't a crotchety, incontinent '75 Dolphin is an idiot. Must I remind y'all? -The last time a team went 13-0 and lost their 14th game, they promptly went on to win the SuperBowl (the Broncos). In fact, as a Pats fan, I'm extremely upset that Indianapolis lost today. The Colts are so good, they don't need the further focus that comes along with late-season loss. Hell, I would have been so happy if the Colts went 16-0 and then lost in the playoffs, but now (as absurd as it might sound) they have to be even more favored to win it all.

Let's face it, in the AFC, there's a wonderful Tom Brady/Peyton Manning rivalry developing that's of Bird/Magic-Sox/Yanks proportions. Even if all the experts think the worm has turned and the Patriots would be clear underdogs, who wouldn't want to see a Pats/Colts AFC championship? -Not the television networks. -And I can only imagine Colts fans wanting to definitively get over that hump, not unlike the Red Sox finally beating the Yankees. In fact, many Sox fans can't remember who they beat in the World Series because the win over the Yankees meant so much to them.

Right before last year's Superbowl, a guy in a Patriots jersey walked over to my friend J.T., who was wearing an Eagles hat, extended a pleasant handshake and said "Good Luck." Now, immediately I realized that such good graces are only a product of having won two of the last three SuperBowls. If that was 2001, there clearly would have been some serious shit-talking pre-kickoff from obnoxious Pats fans.

Therefore, maybe my praise of the Colts and promotion of the Brady/Manning rivalry is due mostly to the sportsmanship that three Superbowl wins afford you, but I can't help but look forward to that showdown with respect and admiration.

Yeah, that's right, I am assuming that the Pats win their first two playoff games! Anyone who considers the playoff New England team the same caliber of the regular season, injury-laden team is fooling themselves. Basically, they're going to have the same championship team as last year, minus Rodney Harrison, Romeo Crennel, and Charlie Weis. -The last subtraction being the highest hurdle to overcome.

So cheer as loud as you want today (player-haters in San Francisco's Elixir bar!), but this is not college football, where one loss can destroy your entire season. -This is the NFL playoffs, where one or two (or five) losses can immediately be forgiven with a Superbowl championship.

Also, for the record, I don't buy this "A Perfect Season is better than a Superbowl" bullshit. You mean to tell me going 16-0, but losing in the playoffs is better than winning a championship? -That's a pant-load! The Patriots won 22 games in a row, but is that better than their three Superbowls? -Than one Superbowl? -Not at all!

So to any lamenting Colts fans in need of a long hug (I'm looking at you, Liz), take this time and feel as bad as you want, but don't forget you still clearly have the best team in the league, and nobody wants to play you in the post-season (including me).

As for the NFC, it's the Seahawks and then no one. Jock all you want about the NFC East, but Lawrence Taylor, John Riggins, Tony Dorsett, Harold Carmichael, Art Monk, Phil Simms, and Madden & Summerall aren't going to beat Shaun Alexander and Matt Hasselbeck this year, but there will be some lovely parting gifts for you.

More Shameless Homer-ing

2005-12-11T17:06:00.000-08:00

Congratulations are in order for the New York Giants. Good job beating the Philadelphia Eagles. I suppose this 'victory' is somewhat tainted by the fact that it took almost an entire overtime to achieve, but hey, a victory's a victory, right?

Of course, none of this applies to the Seattle Seahawks. East Coast biased jackasses have been using Seattle's 'unconvincing' wins against the 49ers and Giants as a reason to doubt their legitimacy for weeks now. But of course it would be really petty and pointless to bring up that last Monday, at the same part of the game when Seattle was beating Philadelphia 42 to nothing, the Giants were TIED with the Eagles (and when the Seahawks played them they had Brian Westbrook).

Yes indeed, I expect lots of talk from Tony, ESPN and all the other sports programming that tunes out if it doesn't involve the Giants or the Jets to drag out the old Herm Edwards quote, "We play to win the games". After all, that's what you say when your team barely wins, right?

The only thing that prevents me from becoming really excited about the possibilty of the Seahawks going really far in the playoffs this year is the completely predictable reaction it will get from the East Coast press. "Parity is bad", "It was a weak year for the NFC", "It was a weak year for the NFL", "Boy that team from Oregon or whatever sure got lucky". Anything but the dick firmly in the mouth of Tom Coughlin that would occur if the Giants somehow lucked their way into the SuperBowl.
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I Am Freaking Kreskin!!

2005-11-27T16:03:00.000-08:00

Let me just take a second to make a really bold prediction about Monday's show; Wilbon will not be able to stop talking about how great the goddamn Chicago Bears are. Yes, those Bears, the 'beat up on the the single worst division to ever play pro football Chicago Bears', the 'Kyle Orton, Thomas Jones are the cornerstone of our offense' Bears, the 'Brian Urlacher is our 4th best defensive player and his only claim to fame is tapping Paris Hilton' Chicago Bears.

They will spend very little time on the 'Best record in the NFC Seattle Seahawks' however, and will continue to come up with brand new bullshit ways to discredit what is essentially a really good team.

I look forward to seeing it.

Today's Show Is Sponsored By East Coast Bias...

2005-11-21T18:27:00.000-08:00

Sweet Jesus on a popsicle stick! Could there have been any more east coast bias than there was on today's show?

Let's take it point by Eastern Standard Time-zone point, shall we?

POINT #1: Tony's inability to give the Seahawks any Dap at all. So what, so they've got the best record in the NFC, so they've manhandled just about everyone they've played in the last 9 weeks. I guess you can throw all that shit out the window because the 49ers ALMOST tied them last week! Even your BOY Ron Jaworski tried to convince you otherwise, but you couldn't possibly afford the same luxury you apparently gave the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (who got CREAMED by the 49ers two weeks ago).

POINT #2: The answer to the question, "Did Reggie Bush lock up the heisman after amassing more than 500 yards of offense last week?". Not Really because hardly anyone saw it? What kind of bullshit response is that? I'm guessing that philosophy classes on the east coast involve statements like, "If a tree falls in Los Angeles California and 8 million people hear it, and another 40 million people in the same time zone hear it too, does it make a difference since it's 2AM where WE live and hanging on to the outdated non-information age thinking that we're clinging on to is all we have in the whole world. Does it then make a sound?"

POINT #3: Wilbon sticking his head all the way up Vince Young's ass saying that the Houston Texans, 49ers, Packers or whoever have the #1 pick should take him instead of Reggie Bush just proves that he should never, ever, EVER be made GM of an NFL team. I'd love to hear his speech on draft day. "I know I just drafted Carr with the #1 pick two years ago and that the only reason he's not producing is because he's always on his back from getting sacked because our offensive line sucks, but I'm gonna take another quarterback. You know, someone in the Tommy Frazier mode, because, like Andre Ware, they always make good pros.".

POINT #4: As if they recognized their awful bias, they felt the need to point out the horrible injustice that University of Oregon is suffering by being ranked behind Notre Dame. Unfortunately, they did it with an air of, "Ehh... What're you gonna do?".

POINT #5: Not really related to bias, but what the fuck was Wilbon talking about when he decreed J.R. Ewing and the dopes from 'Dallas' as "the greatest prime time drama of all time". Look Wilbon, I know you're not really black, but do you have to rub our noses in it like we're a puppy that just shit on your birthday cake?

Thanks a lot Mike and Tony. Thanks for reminding me living in the largest state in the country, a state with a GNP larger than most sovereign nations, means absolutely nothing when all the sports media is huddled around the tri-state area like homeless people around a burning trash can.

Drew Rosenhaus Is Bad At His Job...

2005-11-09T16:11:00.000-08:00

Sharks also eat license plates, boots, and are phenominally stupid.

Nothing was quite as embarassing as watching Terrell Owens' 'apology' yesterday. What he and his scumbag agent fail to understand as they blame the media, overambitous sportswriters, Michael Moore and everybody else in the world except themselves, is that their 'contrite' and 'shame-filled' begging for forgiveness came across as total and complete bullshit.

First of all, if T.O. has any true remorse, then LET HIM SPEAK. Anyone can read some half-baked prewritten statement containing false apologies like, "I'm sure sorry if stupid people misinterpreted my attempt at 'keeping it real' as insults. When I said that the Eagles sucked and that Donovan McNabb was a skirt-wearin', injury-fakin' poof, I only meant that in a good way.", but it takes an incredibly arrogant jackass to then step in for your client and wag your finger at the media and admonish them for ruining this poor man's livelihood.

If Drew had any interest in, a) representing his client and, b) helping his own career, he would've told Owens last year to shut the fuck up, play like he's capable and rake in ridiculous amounts of money in corporate and local sponsorships and before he knew it, they'd be taking the wrecking ball to the statue of Rocky and putting up a giant stone likeness of T.O. signing a football and giving it to some fan.

But no, instead Drew and Terrell naturally assumed that their collective egos were bigger than the Eagles franchise, bigger than all the other players combined, and indeed bigger than the NFL itself.

Best of luck in the future for Rosenhaus signing new clients, and best of luck to whatever desperately awful team tries to plug T.O. into their roster next season.

You want me to say it? Here it is...

2005-10-31T20:03:00.000-08:00

My beloved Red Sox are screwed.

Now that Theo has walked away, what are the chances that the Sox will make all the right moves in the off-season? And now with Manny asking for out? -And with Johnny Damon a free-agent? I hope the euphoria of 2004 lasts a long, long time, because I fear that we won't see a championship for a while (again).

Like TK pointed out today, unless you get Albert Pujols, there's no way you're gonna get fair value for Manny in any trade. So who's gonna broker that deal now?

Clarification please...

2005-10-22T13:52:00.000-07:00

The NBA is mandating that their players dress up in an attempt to improve their image, but when 49er coach, Mike Nolan, asked the NFL if he could wear a suit on the sidelines, they told him he couldn't, saying he has to wear official NFL-logoed attire.

So the NFL wants their coaches dressed like tools rather than Tom Landry?

btw, Check out this picture of Landry dressing down.

What A Slap In The Grill!!

2005-10-21T14:22:00.000-07:00

Then again, it is Sports Illustrated.

SI's NBA preview picked the Golden State Warriors to finish with the 12th (that's right twelfth) best record in the WESTERN CONFERENCE. Behind the Lakers, behind the Timberwolves, even 3 spots behind the Utah 'freaking' Jazz.

Maybe I'm being overly optomistic, but there's no way in hell that the Lakers add Kwame Brown, an 18-year old draft pick and a coach who's only there for the money and finish ahead of Baron Davis and a cast of players that's improving at a geometric rate.

And Minnesota? Did they make some huge move that I'm not aware of? Did LeBron and Dwayne Wade sign there in the off season? I've always liked the T-Wolves, but brother they are going to stink this year.

My other favorite picks of the braintrust over at SI;

- Nuggets finishing 2nd in the west

- Celtics finishing 11th in the east

- Sacramento 6th in the West

It is to laugh. Do us all a favor, SI, and put Kobe Bryant on the cover every week from now until the all star break...

He's a good player?

2005-10-19T00:20:00.000-07:00

In response to Tony's insistence that Ron Artest is "a good player", T obviously has never played fantasy basketball. Ron Artest, if he stays instated in the league, is a fantasy god-send! Points, rebounds, assists, steals, blocks -almost as good as The Matrix, Shawn Marion (another fantasy god-send). Face it, Artest is an all-around player, even if you hate him!

Seriously, if you have a chance to take this guy towards the end of your fantasy first round and don't, you're an idiot. Sure, maybe he'll get himself in trouble again, but if he plays the whole season, you know you're going to make out like a bandit.

So talk all you want about the non-basketball aspects of his personality, if it's hoops you're interested in, the guy is solid.

Stroke Me Stroke Me... Stroke!! Stroke!!

2005-10-18T13:37:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if I understand what the 'controversy' is surrounding Teddy Bruschi's decision to come back to practice this week.

I've heard several commentators insinuate that he's 'taking a risk', and that 'this could end tragically and I don't think I would be willing to put my life in my hands like that'.

Huh?

Basically, people are treating this like it's a knee injury or that he's got some bizarre Reggie Lewis/Eddy Curry heart condition. The last time I checked, no one in the history of the world ever had another stroke because he was hit too hard or ran too fast. What exactly are these people afraid will happen? Do they really think that an offensive lineman is going to chop block him and that Teddy will shout out, "Blood Clot!!" and lose all sensation in the right side of his body?

C'mon now, the doctors have cleared him, he feels no ill effects and is back in shape. There's no reason NOT to let him play. Am I supposed to believe that another 8 months off will give his blood time to 'not clot' or his arteries a chance to 'not close up'?

Welcome back Teddy...

Employee #8 vs. Pau Gasol's Beard

2005-10-14T18:57:00.000-07:00

A few random thoughts while watching the preseason matchup of Heat v. Grizzlies (Yeah, I know there's a 'playoff' baseball game on, but it's basically the racist white jerks of Orange County vs. fairweather Cubs fans like Wilbon who are suddenly in love with the 'pale hose', so who cares?)

- Hakim Warrick is the shit. In 10 years, people won't wonder how a team with Carmelo Anthony and Warrick won a NCAA championship, they'll wonder how any team playing against them managed to come within 40 points.

- Jason Williams is still an idiot. Sacramento will eventually look like geniuses again for giving up on the biggest show boat since the Pacific Princess.

- Gasol's new beard rules. How do you say "rugged, Dan Haggerty-esque motherfucker" in spanish?

- Damon Stoudamire's a Grizzly? Let's just hope that Darius Miles is able to FedEx him a weekly 'care package' from the Pacific Northwest.

- The Heat have too many players. James Posey could be THE man on half a dozen other teams. He'll be lucky to get 10 minutes a night on this roster.

All Dickau All The Time...

2005-10-14T14:08:00.000-07:00

Your 2005-2006 Boston Celtic!!

Nice of Dirty Dan Dickau to get a Boston meat-head haircut to go with his new address. Wassa matter Dan, afraid your 'emo', Spokane Washington hairdo would get you the 'Dee Brown' treatment by Celts fans?

Check out the transcript of an online chat the Dickster had with the fans right here.

Happy Holiday, Tone!

2005-10-13T18:29:00.000-07:00

In the words of Krusty the Klown, "Sandy Koufax? I lost 10 grand when he wouldn't pitch on Yom Kippur! -I did five shows that night!!"

In Tony's absence, I'd like to commend him on something he tried to explain to Wilbon yesterday: "When you live in a city with two teams, you pledge allegiance to one, and HATE the other!"

In most places outside Chicago, people understand this. USC and UCLA fans understand. Yankee and Met fans understand. So do Giant and A's fans. Hell, this is absurd even to Harvard and Yale fans!

So hats off to Jerry Reinsdorf for denying John Cusack, a devoted Cubs fan's request for White Sox playoff tickets. I hear ya, Mike, when you say you and JC are just trying to support the city, and maybe having gone so long without a championship might send you to the other side, but changing horses so easily flies in the face of legitimate sports etiquette.

If I was Mike, or Cusack, I'd also want to go to the games, but would never don a White Sox jersey or make a weasel plead for tickets in the process. In fact, I might even go in disguise. Have some back-bone, guys!

Also:

What's up with Bill Platske's eyebrows today? I've dyed my hair and beard in the past, but not just my eyebrows. He looks like a cult recruiter.
I know you all need more Golden State Warrior coverage, and believe me, it's on the way. In the meantime, how 'bout this: Warriors.

Tony, Whatever will you do?

2005-10-10T20:42:00.000-07:00

BREAKING NEWS: Fox Sports puts Tim McCarver and Joe Buck on 24-hour suicide watch following the Yankee loss tonight. Fox broadcasting released this statement:

"We're all very disappointed that the baseball season had to end so soon, but our prayers are with Tim and Joe and their families. We can only hope the medication is effective and they both pull through this truly dark time in American history. One would assume, after the tragic events of 9/11, the Yankees deserve a better break than having activist umpires decide their fate, but that's just the cross we bear, kinda like Jesus Christ."

It's true, I'm an unapologetic Red Sox fan because of my geographical upbringing, but I greatly improved my quality of life by moving to California 15 years ago. So truth be told, I'm a Californian now. If I had a kid, I'd want him to be a Giants fan.

So, yes, I am upset that the Sox got swept by the Sox, but couple that with the Yankees elimination tonight and here's a situation all of us out West love, watching the old, obnoxious East coast baseball fans tune out because they don't get their beloved Sox/Yanks series (I'm lookin' at you, Kornheiser!).

Aye, since I got a horse in the race, I wouldn't be complaining if it came down to the Sox and Yanks, but as a baseball fan, since it ain't gonna happen, I'm not putting my head in the sand and listen to over-rated Billy Joel CDs simply because the games are broadcast "passed my bedtime". Hell, being the night owl that I am, I used to love watching West coast games that start at 10:30 back east!

So, to hear Tony boast about how he'd rather go to bed than watch games out West, presumable because that's how you act when you're old, is absolutely pathetic. The only conclusion one could draw is that Tony likes the Yankees, but not baseball that much. -Which would be fine with me, but he's supposed to be a sports-writer, so "passed my bedtime" is just unacceptable. Hey, TK, guess what? -The Angels/Giants World Series, one of the lowest rated World Series' as far as television ratings, was great. I hope you got to check it out on DVD.

I understand there are more sportsfans on the East coast, and that people out West are more apt to go out and play sports than watch sports, but the way ESPN has basically dropped back and punted the large West coast markets is absurd. -Even from a purely capitalist perspective!

Los Angeles, although it doesn't have a football team, is a HUGE market. The Bay Area is a HUGE market. Greater Seattle and Vancouver - HUGE! I only hope that someone comes along and capitalizes on the ignorance of outdated East coast thinking like the way that rap mogul Russell Simmons (Google search, Tony) admitted that he was happy to get rich by promoting hip hop, which the old recording industry guard completely underestimated.

Let's face it, ESPN has been getting worse for a while now, and I'm not merely referring to watching a self-amused Stewart Scott drag out the same old tired catch phrases for the millionth time. We're only 4 games into the NFL season and I'm already sick of hearing Sean Salsbury shout out his "analysis", like his point is somehow more sound the louder he yells it. Know what else sucks on ESPN? Dream Job. Lee Corso. Lou Holtz & Mark May. Dick Vitale.

In addition to all that, ESPN's West Coast abandonment has been a lingering problem for a while now. Even though it's mildly cute to see Wilbon berate Tony for his Sox/Yanks ego-centrism, what kind of counter-point is that? -Chicago? As far as ESPN is concerned, the St. Louis Cardinals must be the voice of the west.

Case in point: PTI airs on the East coast as the lead-in for their post-work 6PM SportsCenter, probably their highest rated SC broadcast. Does ESPN hold PTI until 5:30 to take the same ratings advantage out West? Hell no! PTI airs out here at 2:30! How weak is that? I can't figure out if it's due to common laziness or just pure stupidity, but whoever's doing the programming is an idiot.

There's plenty of ratings money to be made out West but they act like they couldn't be bothered. That's why, NO ONE in the Pacific Time zone knows the names "Tony Kornheiser" or "Mike Wilbon", unless they have Tivo. -Which is tragic, because (obviously) I love those guys and they've got so much potential, but don't seem to care about sports outside their hometowns. Way to phone it in, guys!

That's why, even though I've always hated USC, I couldn't be more behind Matt Leinart and Reggie Bush, because watching Tony and Mike pretend like they actually watched their games is so amusing! Also, an Angels/Cardinals or Astros World series would probably be another great low-TV rated series (order your DVD now, Tony).

Finally (take note, gentlemen), even though my Sox are out and I won't get the Sox/Yanks ALCS, I will continue to watch baseball. I know, it's incredibly radical thinking, but don't be afraid. Even though I picked Houston to win it all, I'm hoping the White Sox take the crown, pronouncing the Cubs the undisputed, ultimate all-time losers.

I love you, Wilbon, but watching an admitted Cubs fan trot out his Chicago South-Side upbringing whenever he wants to seem tough, it pretty pathetic. Why someone with obvious Chicago street cred would want to align himself with the yuppie post-collegiate frat party that is Wrigley field borders on mental illness.

Too True...

2005-10-09T16:36:00.000-07:00

Since the NBA pre-season is upon us, here's a reminder of all that's nice in the Association...

Pro Athlete Lauded For Being Decent Human Being

More Training Camp

2005-10-05T08:14:00.000-07:00

"I was an earthling last season. I had to go back to my alien roots."

-Shaq

Defending against MP.

2005-10-04T20:20:00.000-07:00

From Warriors training camp:

French defensive specialist Mickael Pietrus told the media yesterday, "I've been here for now three years and it's time to see the real MP." (I think that stands for Mickael Pietrus.) "I don't need to start, I need to finish the game. People watch on TV the games, they don't watch the first quarter, they watch the fourth quarter. And when the game is tied and you make (the) big shot? Now you'll see who's the real player."

Hey, I love the Warriors, and am looking forward to them making the playoffs this year, but someone has to let MP know that just because he an Tony Parker came in third at the European Championships this summer, it hasn't changed the end-of-game Hierarchy in Oakland.

It still looks like this:

Jason Richardson
Baron Davis
Derek Fisher
Mike Dunleavy
Troy Murphy
MP, maybe Ike Diogu

So unless they start letting 6 players in at once, looks like MP will have to continue to watch crunch-time from the bench. But I like your spunk, kid!

Also from Warriors Media Day, check out this photo of Dunleavy, part of a new promotional campaign:

Okay...

2005-10-03T22:29:00.000-07:00

Of course I'm happy that the Red Sox made it into the playoffs. Yes, I'm hoping for another thrilling Sox/Yanks ALCS. And of course, I hope that the Sox can repeat as champions.

With that said, there is absolutely no way, I'm putting money on any other team to win it all than the Houston Astros. Everyone says pitching wins in the post-season and last year the Sox were built for the playoffs. Hell, having Pedro and Schilling as your one-two pitching rotation, in a 5 or 7 game series, practically ensures that you'll win. So the Astro rotation of Clemens, Petitte and Roy Oswalt, is clearly the best threesome of all the playoff teams. -And Lance Berkman is on fire to help their offense cause.

So I hope I'm wrong. I hope that the Red Sox bats can overcome all the runs that their rotation inevitably gives up. I hope Ortiz and ManRam just tear the ribbon off the ball, and that Schilling, Wells, Clement and Wakefield pitch their hearts out, but if the regular season is any indication, our best chance is to out-slug everyone. So swing away!

East Coast Bias? I Agree!

2005-09-30T20:45:00.000-07:00

I know that all this ego-centric Sox/Yanks talk drives people crazy, but growing up in Massachusetts, I got a horse in the race, so no apologies here. But! There is one glaring instance of East Coast bias that's been driving me bananas: Mariano Rivera.

This isn't one of those Red Sox chop-jobs, but all this talk about Rivera being a candidate for the Cy Young & the MVP is ridiculous. First off, Chad Cordero currently has 4 more saves than he does, and he's been hurt for a while. "So what about the American League awards?" you say? In that case, Bob Wickman currently has 2 more saves for the Indians.

Therefore, why? -Why in god's good name would you give the MVP or the Cy Young award to the third best reliever in baseball, the second best reliever in the American League? Out of pure habit?

Big News Out Of Boston Tonight...

2005-09-30T18:49:00.000-07:00

"You Still Hungry? Then Feast On That!"

That's right, the Boston Celtics traded for Dan-Dirk Dickau-Diggler today.

In all seriousness, however, Dan is quite the upstanding, charitable citizen, what with his Dan Dickau Charity Classic (which I always thought was something you pay an extra 50 Bat for in Thailand. B-doom-doom).

You gotta think that This jersey is going to go on sale soon. You see, Dickau no longer plays there, and the team is sort of moving to Oklahoma City because the owner's an opportunistic scumbag who said, "Katrina? More like 'my chance to get the hell out of here-ina'.

Oh yeah, and there was some kind of baseball game tonight...

Bad Break for the Jets.

2005-09-29T22:55:00.000-07:00

Growing up outside of Boston, I learned to despise all the New York sports teams, but after living in NYC for two years, I met a lot of really cool Jets and Mets fans. Maybe it's the Long Island thing, maybe that they're always playing second fiddle to the Yanks and Giants, maybe just that the Yanks and Giants fans are that much more obnoxious, but the Jets and Mets are sympathetic in my eyes. And, of course, I love watching Herm Edwards have post-game melt-downs (the best since Jim Mora retired).

So it was sad to see the Jets lose Pennington and his back-up Jay Fielder in one game. It's hard for any team to weather injuries (as the Pats are finding out again this year with Rodney Harrison and Todd Light out), but losing both your quarterbacks, leaving Brooks Bollinger in charge of the offense, that's harsh.

The only amusement about the situation was envisioning the phone call management made to Vinny Testaverde. I think it went something like this,

"Help us, Obi Won Testaverde, you're our only hope."

For all die-hard hoops fans...

2005-09-28T19:19:00.000-07:00

Who might be in need of any off-season report to get them thinking of roundball again, check this out:

According to ESPN the Magazine, Dallas head coach Avery Johnson was quoted as saying that their signing Doug Christie gives them, "the best chance to win a championship."

(Insert your own joke here.)

What's the Over/Under on this Marriage?

2005-09-19T17:50:00.000-07:00

Charlie Sheen Blames Sports.

How well is David Ortiz playing?

2005-09-18T14:59:00.000-07:00

Well, on Friday night, with the game tied, the A's opted to intentionally walk him, loading the bases for Manny Ramirez. When was the last time any pitcher thought ManRam was an easier out than whoever batted in front of him?

Now, if only the pitching staff wouldn't rely on the bats to overcome the inevitable 4-5 runs they happily give up every game. How far does that usually go in the playoffs?

They Opened The Door!!

2005-09-14T16:57:00.000-07:00

They finally did it. Tony and Mike talked about Aussie Rules Football! So what if it was 2 minutes about whether or not minor league player Brett Blackwell is a complete and total freak for having his finger cut off so he can keep playing. It's a mention, and thereby opens the door for me to list 10 reasons why I love this game.

1) The freaking passion. Did you read the above paragraph? Footy's the only thing going in Australia for the most part. Sure, they have a basketball league, rugby, cricket and some fucked up sport called Netball where women play basketball without the dribbling or backboards (I swear I'm not making this up), but Footy is THE national pastime, and if you're not playing it you better be a computer programmer or a poof-da.

2) The violence. For anyone unfamiliar with the rules of AFL, it's basically that schoolyard game 'Smear the Queer' with 50,000 spectators. Does this make it a game for loutish, sloped-foreheaded cavemen that aren't sophisticated enough to play rugby? You bet, but the results are better than anything HBO's showing about Roman gladiators at the moment.

3) The short shorts. Believe me, there's probably no more homophobic set of people on planet earth than Footy players, but you sure wouldn't know it by looking at their hot pants. Ever since the NBA switched to wearing dresses to help out brothers with no package, AFL football has been there to seperate the men from the Jude Laws.

4) The referees. You will not find a more scared shitless group of officials than you will in Footy. These guys are basically like boxing officials except the fighters are running full tilt for 40 yards before 'accidentally' plowing into them. Plus, they have that cool, semaphore code-looking goal signal.

5) Half the teams come from one city. I still think it's the coolest thing that half the teams in the league are from suburbs of Melbourne. Imagine the most popular sports league in the United States consisting of 8 large cities and 8 districts of Boston. How cool would it be to see Braintree play Quincy for a 'national championship'?

6) The Players. Words like 'meathead' and 'goon' are thrown around a lot in American sports, but you truly haven't seen what those words mean until you watch Footy.

7) The Announcers. "What a Ripppahhh" yelled at microphone shattering volume remains one of the great sports calls of all time.

8) Footy controls Australian Television. Entertainment Tonight, PTI, Sportscenter, and Access Hollywood are all combined into Australian Television's 'The Footy Show'. It's like if The Best Damn Sports Show Period were made required watching by every single American citizen.

9) The St. Kilda Football Club. Just cause it's funny that all their team gear says "St. KFC", which I like to imagine is the patron saint of extra crispy chicken.

10) The Number of High Quality Mullets. Now that it seems as if Hockey stars like Jaromir Jagr and Jeremy Roenick are no longer willing to rock the Schlong, it's nice to see that so many Aussie Rules Football stars are still willing to announce to the world that while it may be business in front, it's still a party in back.

So do yourself a favor and look up the nearest Aussie Rules Final Football party in your neighborhood. You'll be treated to lots of drunken shouting, homophobic abuse and love of hot pants.

Let the Hating... Begin!

2005-09-10T12:29:00.000-07:00

All you Silky Johnson, Notre Dame Haters finally have something to hate on. Let's face it, Notre Dame truly hasn't been a threat to college football's elite teams since Lou Holtz and Rocket Ismail, yet the vocal ND Haters out there never toned down their volume. I always found it strange that a team that inferior could garner so much nation-wide hatred. What a waste of energy!

Well, not anymore. Their win today over #3 Michigan, in front of a crowd of 111,000 in Ann Arbor, completely legitimizes all your hating. I'll no longer look at you like some deranged bully trying to pick a fight at the Special Olympics.

No Notre Dame gloating today would be fair if I didn't point out that Michigan looked terrible. If they truly are the third best team in the country, then this is a really weak year for college football. All we can hope for now is that both Notre Dame and USC win all their games before they meet in South Bend, Oct. 15th.

Monday's show should be great, although as much as I'll enjoy Wilbon's frustration over the Notre Dame win, Tony's boasting will be intolerable. -Makes for good TV, though.

And what's that? The Sox slapped around the Yanks today? 'O Happy Day!

Norm Chad is an Idiot

2005-09-07T16:05:00.000-07:00

I have to admit that I haven't thought much about Norman Chad until quite recently. He's pretty much a below-average L.A. sportswriter (the poor man's Bill Plaschke if you will) who lucked into a job as 'tournament poker expert', proving everyone wrong who asserted that there's no such thing.

Well, over the course of the last couple of days, Norman has found his way into my conscious by making some of the dumbest assertions this side of that fat black guy from Kansas City that ESPN keeps thinking I have some interest in hearing from. You know, Jabba the Whitlock or whatever the hell his name is.

Anyway, back to the 'much more hateable than Dan LeBatard' Norman Chad. Here's how he turned himself from 'annoying trollish figure wasting the pixels on my TV' to 'guy that I'd like to kick in the groin and would pay for the privilege of doing so';

1) Calling Jerry Rice 'possibly the best receiver of his generation'. Look, I'm no huge Niners fan or anything, but this is fucking assinine. Who's better Norm? Mike Quick? Mark Duper? Harold Carmichael? His main argument for stating this is that 'he played with Montana and Young'. If that were valid Norm, then why didn't Joe Montana make J.J. Birden the 'greatest of all time'. And to act like Jerry Rice would'nt have been as good as previous generation leaders like Lance Alworth and Fred Bilitnikoff (sp?) is dumber than dumb, it's stupid.

2) Next, Norm's pick for 'sleeper team of the year'. Let's just say it starts with 'A' and ends with 'rizona Cardinals'. Do I need to say anything else?

3) Finally, Norm's assertion that L.A. doesn't want ANY football team ever, so the New Orleans Saints can look elsewhere. L.A.'s insecurity really shows whenever local sportwriters say this. They got burned by a couple of greedy assholes (Davis and Frontiere) and now they're swearing off lovers forever. What wimps! I lived in L.A. when the Raiders were there and you LOVED them, just like you LOVED the Rams. So stop pretending that you're 'above' the NFL and just get a fucking team. Your stupid excuse that it allows you to watch more games on TV is just pathetic at this point (especially with the advent of DirecTV) so just stop it. Get a team, show some guts and root for it.

So, in conclusion, congratulations Dan LeBetard, you've been replaced. Norman Chad is infinitely more hateable and wrong than you could ever be.

College Football pundits...

2005-09-05T12:54:00.000-07:00

We've all seen Tony and Mike complain that Brian Billick is a colossal wind-bag, but I'd like to make a new nomination for Blow-Hard of the Year, Lee Corso. In fact, how about all of the College Football experts? These people are worse than weathermen, always predicting the worst possible outcome just to sound dramatic.

Last weekend, Corso repeatedly picked NC State to upset Virginia Tech, and Trev Alberts said that Texas A&M could win the Big 12. The results:

Virginia Tech 20, NC State 13
Clemson 25, Texas A&M 24

Does anyone keep track of how accurate these "experts" are? Or do we just let them slide like Smooth Jimmy Apollo on The Simpsons: "When you're right 52% of the time, you're wrong 48% of the time."

So if you hear these suits exhaling more hot air than a Macy's Parade balloon, don't be at all concerned if they don't seem to make any sense. Just keep in mind they'll say anything to make the game more interesting.

50 Streets In 50 Days

2005-09-01T07:31:00.000-07:00

Today, Fallon Street in downtown Oakland... Just Foolin'

Is there a bigger indicator of just what an awful sports summer it's been than Sportscenter's crummiest excuse to set up a desk in front of a bunch of screaming rednecks since College Gameday?

Here's the only thing I've learned from ESPN about the United States;

New Mexico looks like the dullest place on earth.

I can't wait for next year's '50 things that almost got thrown out in the ESPN Cafeteria'.

A Few Quick Notes...

2005-08-31T09:46:00.000-07:00

Wilbon is no Amazing Creskin (Roddick will win the U.S. Open? The NY Giants will make the playoffs?)

Kornheiser has taken more days off than President Bush this year.

It's been at least 2 weeks since they mentioned Larry Brown. A new personal best.

Without the T.O. scandal, this would've been the dullest past 3 months in sports history.

When In Oakland...

2005-08-19T13:50:00.000-07:00

Oh Randy...

I can imagine that Randy Moss has been getting really jealous over all the press that T.O.'s wacky cash grab has been garnering of late, so I suppose it was just a matter of time before he reminded us that there's more than one stupid loudmouth catching footballs in the NFL.

Look, lots of people smoke weed, LOTS, but the difference between a casual toker and someone who's smoked so much that they lack the ability to think even the simplest things through is that most weed smokers know better than to walk into work and tell everyone they run into that they're putting Bob Marley to shame with the amount of hippie lettuce they suck into their lungs.

Don't worry Randy, we weren't going to forget about you if you didn't step up and say the one thing that would steal the headlines away from Terrell and his goofy agent. Perhaps next time you can just ask the press "What if the color blue to you isn't the color blue to me?" and keep them guessing.

Perhaps Moss and other fools like him should take a lesson from Tom Brady and admit something 'shocking' like that they've seen internet porn once or twice. That's just charming and the press eats it up. Telling everyone you smoke doobage like you're a roadie for Dave Matthews?? Not so much.

Bravo Paolatonio!

2005-08-17T19:26:00.000-07:00

As a product of the Cold War, I got a little silent titillation at hearing Sal Paolatonio name check M.A.D. (Mutual Assured Destruction) when describing the Terrell Owens situation. Brezhev himself would be proud!

As bad as the T.O. situation is, I must report that no one in San Francisco is surprised. Hey, Eagle fans, You think you hate T.O.? -Then team up with anyone in S.F. They've known for quite some time how miserable a human being that idiot is. At least he only called your QB a hypocrite, not suggest that he was gay. (Really, how childish do you have to be to do that?)

The only surprising thing about the T.O. situation to people out here is that some thought he trashed the Niners simply because they didn't have a chance in hell to win (which was true). Now that he's on a very capable winning team, that theory doesn't hold water. It must be genetic.

And why do I get the feeling Jeremiah Trotter won't go the entire season without trottling T.O.?

We'll Be Able To Tell Our GrandKids...

2005-08-16T08:46:00.000-07:00

These are great times to be alive. In the future, people will form circles around us to hear us tell the story of the DUMBEST MAN TO EVER WALK THE EARTH. That man, of course, is Terrell Owens.

Here's a guy that six months ago could've gotten the Rocky statue plowed over with a bulldozer and had one of him put up in its place. Hobbling out there like Willis Reed, and unlike Willis, actually making a contribution to the game. The only reason they didn't rename Philadelphia 'T.O.-Ville' is that they went up against a slightly better team and lost. But anyway, the point is, few people will ever have that kind of Capital (especially in a city like Philly).

Well congratulations Terrell. In a matter of 4 months, you've managed to turn 'superhuman sports hero' into 'complete and total asshole' who's about as welcome in Philly right now as West Nile Virus.

At this point, the Eagles have no choice but to 'Keyshawn' this jackass. Set up a nearly impossible set of 'rules' that T.O. has to follow (In Owens' case, just throw in a rule that he can't act like a retarded 3 year old), wait for him to break one and then simply suspend him without pay for the rest of the year. No trades, no negotiations, no cutting, just sit him on the bench and let him cry like a bitch for the whole year.

In fact, I'd love to see the Eagles ride out the rest of his contract (7 years) doing this. Even if he becomes a model citizen, just sit him on the bench. Put T.O. in the position of having to retire and sit out a year if he's ever going to play again. Owens and Rosenhaus have been approaching this entire process as if they hold all the cards. The Eagles should step up and show Drew and Terrell that not only do they not run the National Football League, but that if they did, it would've gone out of business years ago.

Go Eagles!

I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

2005-08-11T21:48:00.000-07:00

TK, I have no idea what you're doing, but a milestone moment in your show's history happened today and you left Bob Ryan to watch the store.

After yesterday's opening interview with Bud Selig (who I have to admit came across quite well, and I was right there with Wilbon, tearing him apart for his steroid complicity), who would have thought the opening interview today would have been better a mere 24 hours later? Because this is a PTI butt-licking fanboy site first and foremost, let me point out that the Terrell Owens/Drew Rosenhaus interview today will forever be the Lee Harvey Oswald prison transfer of the show's existence.

Holy Buddha! Just when you thought it couldn't get worse, there's T.O. saying he has no desire to talk to Donovan McNabb, there's T.O. calling out his coaching staff, there's T.O. and Rosenhaus looking like a couple of kids on the schoolyard, talking to the principal, saying, "He did (this)!" and "He did (that)!" I have never seen anything more childish from the world of professional sports. Go ahead, I dare you to prove me wrong! No, Ryan Leaf was never this bad, and you know it.

And damage control? -Thy name definitely is not Rosenhaus. Did anyone catch him on Letterman last night? -Where my childhood idol, took him to the shed? (The greatest moment coming after Rosenhaus told the story of recessitating the drowned boy and Dave bluntly asked if he got his standard 3% agent fee afterwards.)

Okay, I know this is not a sports story, its one of those publicity side-shows, but I have to wonder how this will end. Here's my answer (listen up Philadelphia), trade T.O. to the worst team in the league who will take him.

How does this sound?:

T.O. and a second round draft pick to Arizona for Larry Fitzgerald (there's your future receiver).
T.O. to Mariucci in Detroit for any one of the young receivers there.
Or how 'bout this one: T.O. back to S.F., where he has no desire to play, for their first round draft pick next year (I guarantee it's in the top 5)?

Make it happen, gentlemen.

For SHAME!!!

2005-08-09T22:55:00.000-07:00

I called my resident Lakers fan, Lisa, to settle a question that had burrowed into my mind as I watched the A's miserably bow to the Angels tonight. That being, what was the name of that Disco hold-over guy who used to dance around the Forum at Laker games in the early 80's? She quickly said, "Please be advised, that was Dancin' Barry."

Of course! How great was that dude?! I was a young, impressionable Celtics fan who hated all things Lakers, but not so blinded that I couldn't appreciate Los Angeles's favorite mentally ill resident, Dancin' Barry. Before hanging up I told Lisa, "This is gonna be one of those Google Searches that I'll end up praising the existence of the internet!" I couldn't wait to see all the Dancin' Barry websites!

FOR SHAME!

According to Google, there is exactly ZERO websites devoted to Dancin' Barry!

What the hell are you people doing with those computers (besides porno)?! I couldn't even find a photo of Dancin' Barry! My Kingdom for a photo of D. to the B.!!! Don't they teach you people anything in school?

It's almost enough to make me change the title of my movie treatment from Searching for Billy Ocean to Searching for Dancin' Barry.

In other news, is there any question that Isiah Thomas has no idea what he's doing? Here, from John Hollinger's glorious List of 10 Worst NBA signings of 2005, is #1:

1. Jerome James, New York Knicks (five years, $28 million, 11.8 pts, 7.2 reb, 9.83 PER)
Of all the bad deals over the summer, this one takes the cake. It's one thing to overpay for a player who can play a little, like Joe Johnson or Cutino Mobley. But what if you commit your full midlevel exception to a guy who can't play at all? That's what the Knicks did with James, rewarding him for the five good games he played in the Sacramento series and pretending the previous 82 games never happened. Between the inconsistent effort and the constant swooning over his alleged potential, James has become the new Michael Olokokandi except that he's a worse player and even more egregiously overpaid.

Attention Nascar Whiners

2005-08-08T18:04:00.000-07:00

No matter what sports show you're watching, whether it's PTI, Around the Horn or 'This Week in the LPGA', they seem to be inundated with letters from Nascar fans wanting to know why their beloved sport doesn't get more coverage. After all, it's more popular than golf, so why does golf get so much run?

The most obvious reason is that there's no story to Nascar. Once you've described which guy won because he avoided crashing into anything and managed to keep his right foot pressed up against the gas pedal better than the other guys, you're pretty much out of drama. There's no trades to discuss, no coaching changes, no draft, no nothing. Apart from changing sponsors or occasionally watching the gear-head crews try and beat each other up, what more is there to discuss?

So please, Nascar dads, enjoy the fact that you're silly left turn only excuse to advertise Tide Laundry detergent is doing so well. Just quit trying to get people not named Clem or Scooter to talk about it.

Stop Coddling Him!

2005-08-05T10:05:00.000-07:00

Let's get one thing straight that is a FACT. If Rafael Palmiero was black, this story would be over already. He'd be out of the Hall, out of baseball and about as popular as O.J. But because Raffy's got those Thomas Magnum good looks and speaks perfect english and wagged his finger at Congress, everyone wants to believe that this is some kind of setup. Bullshit.

We now know that the type of 'roids that Raffy took aren't the kind that are accidentally present in 'GNC Weight Gain 5000'. It's not something that can show up in trace amounts in your Cheerios like Rat feces. There's only two ways you get this shit in your system, by ramming a needle in your ass or gulping it down with your morning Viagra. So quit spinning, Magnum. Be a man and admit that you're a selfish asshole.

I can't stand the hypocritical, 'win at all costs', 'If you're not cheating you're not trying' mentality that exists today. From Enron to baseball to the President of the United States, people are so goddamn jaded about how their actions affect their fellow human beings that they see life as a big con job, a series of opportunities to lie, cheat and steal your way to a fortune. If you get caught, you just shrug your shoulders and lie about it until no one cares anymore, and if you don't get caught, use your millions of dollars to treat everyone else like shit.

If this is ever going to reverse itself, a huge example needs to be made out of someone, and I vote that it be Raffy. Try and ram it through that moussed hairdo of his that when you cheat and lie, it harms other people, people who are trying to play by the rules and find out if hard work and determination really do pay off in the end. How many players has Palmiero knocked off of rosters? How many pitchers has he caused to lose their jobs? How many opposing managers, GMs and coaches have his inflated statistics caused grief and humiliation? All for what? So Rafael Palmiero can make millions of dollars? Screw him. He deserves none of it.

If it were up to me, Palmiero would be subjected to every medical test and lie detector known to man to try and determine exactly when he started taking steroids. Once that was determined, he would be forced to donate every penny he's made since that date to a pension plan for older players that played the game clean. Leave him homeless for what he's done, dying under a bridge like JR Richard. Maybe then people will think twice before cheating.

I hope you never get in to the Hall of Fame, Raffy. In a hundred years, I hope people can barely remember your name, and then associate you only with being one of the selfish losers who put money and stats above the game and essentially ruined a whole generation of baseball.

One last reflection on yesterday's show...

2005-08-02T20:01:00.000-07:00

Watching Wilbon and Mariotti, two Cubs fans, talk shit about the Manny Ramirez saga in Boston is like watching Canadians talk shit about America. Now, I'm very critical of this country's policies and especially the current administration's foreign agenda, but nothing will bring me to America's defense faster than listening to know-it-all, America-Junior Canadians, who've never gotten close to cracking into any historical textbook outside of hockey, spouting off about all the problems with the USA.

I know the Sox, before last year, hadn't won it all in 86 years, and this isn't merely recent championship hubris, but Cubs fans have to be the most content group of losers on the face of the planet. Say what you will about Sox fans using their decades of disappointment to define their personality, at least they were affected by those losses. -They took all the heart-breaking losses personally, which accounts for taking last year's win personally. Cubs fans don't seem to be one bit upset by their team's futility, just as long as there's plenty of Natural Light at the outdoor frat party they call "The Friendly Confines", Wrigley Field.

I feel bad for White Sox fans, who've had to play second fiddle to the Cubs for years, and who actually have a very good team this year, but are still getting marginalized by blow-hard Cubs fans like Wilbon and Mariotti. And if you ask any Cubs fan about White Sox fans, they'll waste no time declaring them all brutish idiots with no class. Well, here's to Mark Buehrle and the White Sox, who have an infinitely better chance of breaking their championship streak than the Cubs and their infirmary of starting pitchers!

How-EV-ah

2005-08-02T07:29:00.000-07:00

Let me get one thing straight. I like Stephen A. Smith. I know some people hate the crap out of him, and I understand that. Same thing with Jim Rome. I'm not going to try and convince anyone that either one of these guys is great if the person I'm talking to thinks they're awful because I fully realize that these guys are not everyone's cup of tea.

That said, Stephen's show Quite Frankly has got to go. I find Smith compelling for about 3 to 4 minutes. If he's berating Greg Anthony or teetering on the border of yelling 'Shutup Cracker!" to Tim Legler, he's a treat to watch. But ONE HOUR??!! Who's genius idea was this? What are they gonna program as a lead in to this, a 3 hour loop of Sean Salisbury screaming at his reflection in a mirror?

And, even though they're buddies and all, talking (and I use the term loosely) to Allen Iverson for 45 straight minutes might be the single most unwatchable thing that anyone's ever put on television. I've got a better chance of transcribing a debate between Lil' Jon and Master P than piecing together what The Answer just said about Larry Brown.

I would give this show about 3 weeks, but if they haven't cancelled Cold Pizza yet, it's clear that along with the rest of the country, the execs at ESPN aren't watching either.

Welcome Back, Your Dreams Were Your Ticket Out...

2005-08-01T19:52:00.000-07:00

Nothing like the continuing steroid saga to bring one out of their July sports hibernation. Maybe it was the long summer's nap, or the prescription drugs, but I'm actually here to defend the ultimate Latin Lover.

Even though it doesn't seem unlikely that Palmerio didn't know exactly what was in the supplements he was taking, I tend to believe his excuse that it was taken completely by accident. Call my defense arbitrary and capricious, but Palmerio's numbers over the years have always been steady. As Matt pointed out, it's not like Sammy Sosa who went from not being able to hit to hitting 60 home runs, or Bonds who's production exploded as he approached 40, or Brady Anderson ('nuff said), Palmerio's career totals have been steady and the result of avoiding serious injury.

He does, however, deserve whatever inevitable shit storm awaits him for not being on top of his supplements. When the testing began David Ortiz stated, quite correctly, that many of the Latin players were at a language disadvantage, since many of the banned substances are easily available at any "health food store". Hell, GNC sold "diet" supplements with boatloads of ephedrine in them, killing even pro athletes. But Palmerio definitely doesn't fall into that category, so you're in for a tough ride Raffie.

And Barry Bonds scrapping his season? As a closet Giants fan, I hope the team will take this opportunity to re-define themselves without the slugger. We see it all the time in basketball, where a star gets hurt and the team learns to succeed without him. So far, though, the Giants haven't done this. Hopefully, this latest announcement will push them along.

They Never Had 10 More Minutes Of Seinfeld On In The Middle Of Suddenly Susan

2005-07-27T10:48:00.000-07:00

It's nice to have the 'A' team back, but what the hell is up with this 'we'll be back with more after the first ten minutes of Sportscenter' nonsense? It completely baffles my Tivo, and I don't want to commit to recording the entirely useless, hour-long in the middle of the day SportsCenter. Oh well, if it's important, I guess they will have covered it in the first half hour they're given.

Speaking of which, what's up with the middle of the day SportsCenter? Who is this useful for? No games have been played yet! Sure, there might be a coaching change to report or something, but that's usually something I can read about on the scrawl and then get the 'It's great to be here' press conference footage later on. Hell, if I'm that much of a diehard I'll just flip over to ESPNNews and watch the whole boring thing.

I miss the old ESPN that used to show completely pointless and weird stuff in the middle of the day. It was always trick shot pool or some kind of SuperDogs/Super Owners competition.

Feel free to leave your favorite ESPN mid-afternoon time killer 'sport' in the comments.

A Retraction...

2005-07-25T09:23:00.000-07:00

Leading the league in Haitian afros for 4 years running!

I know we've been complaining as of late that there's nothing going on in sports, but I'd just like to offer a complete retraction of that statement.

After all, the Sixers re-signed Samuel Dalembert over the weekend! The same guy that always wins that bike race in France won again in a finale so thrilling that they actually stopped keeping time!! Some old guys played golf in England! And two middle American baseball teams duked it out for the bragging rights of being the best team on Interstate 55!!

Once pre-season football starts and Larry Brown does what's been predicted for the last 3 months and signs with the Knicks, I don't know if we'll be able to contain ourselves!!

Apparently You Can Have Too Much Heart

2005-07-22T11:39:00.000-07:00

As much as I'd like to make all kinds of jokes like the one above or relish in the fact that it was a LA Laker that this happened to, I really feel terrible for Ronny Turiaf who, after being WCC player of the year and tearing it up for Gonzaga, has been diagnosed with a heart defect and will have to have what will most likely be career-ending open heart surgery.

Pull through big man. Do it for Dan Dickau.

Credit where credit is due...

2005-07-19T21:16:00.000-07:00

We all know that no matter how much a douchebag Jose Canseco is, we all believed at least part of his story. Outside any professional baseball team, we all secretly admired his gumption, even if it was merely to sell books.

It's tough to admit someone you don't like has produced something that just knocks your socks off. Hell, I hate everything about Ryan Adams, but after hearing his self-titled CD, I had to concede, it's great. Even if you don't like dance music, and complain mightily about its over-comercialization, you also have to admit Moby's Play is rather amazing. And even if it did sound a lot like the Beatles, you know when your ex-girlfriend was playing Oasis's What's the Story, Morning Glory? in the mid-90's you enjoyed it (at least until your buddies brought over the latest Rage Against the Machine CD).

So it is with a heavy heart that I would like to congratulate one of our most favorite punching bags, Dan Le Batard, on his most recent ESPN the Magazine article, "So You Want to be a Successful Major Leaguer? Don't Ever Think About It" (currently not posted on ESPN.com).

Not only is it brillaintly written, but it looks at baseball from a new, uncelebrated perspective. I only wish he mentioned former Sox reliever, Buyn Yun Kim, in illustrating just how much damage over-thinking can do to a great talent in this most unique of sports.

Well done, Dan.

Baby Steps

2005-07-19T14:03:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess at least Wilbon's back, but teaming him up with Mariotti's a bad idea. If I want to hear two guys talk about how great Michael Jordan was and how the Cubs will never, ever win, ever, I'll just move to Chicago and hang out on Whacker Drive.

That's right, I said 'Whacker'.

Guess Who's Back!

2005-07-14T07:15:00.000-07:00

Re-gracing the stage of Around The Horn yesterday was none other than My main man Michael Holley!! He got some well deserved ribbing for bolting the show a year and a half ago, but he managed to brush it off. Gone are the dreads and it its place is that bald look that was so popular during Michael Jordan's first run at a championship.

Welcome back to the world of sports punditry, Holley. I'm just glad that, unlike Max Kellerman, you didn't have to accept a humiliating job as Tucker Carlson's strawman toady to get back on the tube.

Manure De France...

2005-07-13T08:05:00.000-07:00

"Everyone makes a big deal about Lance Armstrong winning so many times after losing a testicle. But if your job is to ride a bike, I say the fewer balls the better." - Comedian Greg Giraldo.

Hopefully, along with Michael Smith, the Whitlock era of PTI is now over as well. I don't 'hate' either one of them, but they're piss poor substitutes for the real deal. Kind of like when Tanya Roberts tried to replace Cheryl Ladd on Charlie's Angels.

On yesterday's show, Whitlock tried to take the rather silly, Jim Rome-esque position that cycling is not a sport, the reasoning being that "I learned how to ride a bike when I was 6, so how can it be a sport?". What kind of nonsense logic is that? Wouldn't that eliminate pretty much ALL sports? Certainly the entire Olympics as I learned to walk, run and throw shit a lot earlier than 6 years old.

If there are people that are arguing that poker is a sport, then you would think we could pretty much all agree that cycling is. Whitlock's other assinine take was that "Armstrong just has more time to train than everyone else". Really? Has he invented some sort of time travel machine where he can train for 5 years in what us mortals pereceive as 6 months? I gotta think out of the 6.2 Billion people on earth, SOMEONE trains as hard, if not harder than Lance Armstrong, and he didn't win, so explain that.

On second thought, don't bother. Just go back to Kansas City for awhile Whitlock. We'll call you the next time Texas Tim Cowlishaw's not available to fill in.

SnoozerBowl Sundays

2005-07-11T07:59:00.000-07:00

No wonder Wilbon and Kornheiser usually take about a month off this time of year. Ain't a damn thing going on but the rent.

My heart goes out to poor slobs like Michael Smith and that pompous guy from the Kansas City Star that hosted last Friday. It's gotta be hard to fill a half an hour with takes on the Tour De France and whether or not Kenny Rogers should pitch in the all-star game or open up another franchise of roasted chicken restaurants.

Since all hockey's played indoors in cities with no winters now anyways, why not bump hockey season up to start in mid-june? I gotta think that any remotely watchable sport has a chance of succeeding now. After all, if you're only competition is MLS, the WNBA and the exciting buildup to the baseball Allstar game, how badly could you do?

Wieeeeee!!!!!!!!!!

2005-07-08T09:55:00.000-07:00

I trust everyone will be watching to see how Michelle Wie does at today's second round of the John Deere classic. Do you think she'll be able to make the...

Oh, who cares. Let's talk about hoops.

I could go on and on about what a horrible traitor Nate MacMillan is for bolting to the 'trailgangstas', but you know what, it's his choice, and if I had spent the whole season twisting in the wind waiting for the front office to decide if my 20 years of service to the franchise deserved a new contract as I was winning the division, I might be a little cheesed off as well. Wally Walker is nothing more than the poor man's Mitch Kupchack, an oblivious GM who can't draft for nothin' and can't admit it when the team's success has nothing to do with anything he's done. So much for building on last year's great season.

Speaking of the Trail-BlazingHashPipes, L.A. Times writer and moral beacon Bill Plaschke got all bent out of shape on yesterday's Around The Horn when someone made a pot-smoking reference about the Trailblazers. "They've changed their image! You don't know what you're talking about!!", he screamed. Really Bill? Is Darius Miles still on the roster? Do they pay Ruben Patterson with a check or in 5 pound bags of Thai Stick? How about Damon Stoudamire and Nick Van Exel? Do they still run those 'dope is for dopes' seminars during the summer?

Good luck Nate!!

Dogs And Cats Sleeping Together, Mass Hysteria!!

2005-07-07T07:35:00.000-07:00

This man is batshit crazy, or as the kids say, "Cruise-azy".

Well, it's early July and time for managers, owners, season ticket holders and everyone else in baseball to freak the hell out. Seems like any team that is having trouble winning, needs a little something else to push them over the top, or is just always paranoid is talking about shaking things up.

First comes Lou Pinella, who keeps threatening to start his relievers and then bring in his starters after a few innings. Just maybe the dumbest idea in the history of professional sports, but remember, this is a guy trying to get fired. I'm guessing the next thing Lou tries is to have the pitcher wear a large potato sack on his head during odd-numbered innings.

Now comes word that the 'four games up so it's time to panic' Red Sox are going to bring Schilling back as a closer. Am I the only person who watched Schilling slowly dominate 6 or 7 innings at a time last year? I've never looked at his pitching style and thought to myself, "He's the guy I want only pitching the last inning of a game".

If either Pinella or Epstein need pitchers, there are plenty of awful teams that will give 'em up (The Mariners are interested in getting rid of Guardado. After all, he's all they've got, so why not have 'no' pitching at all). So stop going for the silly gimmicks and wacky-ass stunts.

Good Luck With Your Layoffs, Mariners. I Hope Your Firings Go Really Well.

2005-07-05T08:18:00.000-07:00

What the hell's up with the Seattle Mariners? They run their franchise like 'Ini-tech' from the movie 'Office Space'.

I imagine that Bret Boone's 'assignment' went something like this;

BOB: Hey, remember that guy Brett Boone?

MARINERS OWNER: Who's he?

BOB: You know, big forearms guy, silly frosted tips.

MARINERS OWNER: Oh, yeah.

OTHER BOB: Yeah, we can't actually find a record of him being a current employee here.

BOB: I looked into it more deeply and I found that apparently what happened is that he was laid off five years ago and no one ever told him, but through some kind of glitch in the payroll department, he still gets $15 Million a season.

OTHER BOB: So we just went a ahead and fixed the glitch.

BILL LUMBERGH: Great.

MARINERS OWNER: So um, Bret Boone has been let go?

BOB: Well just a second there, professor. We uh, we fixed the *glitch*. So he won't be receiving a paycheck anymore, so it will just work itself out naturally.

OTHER BOB: We always like to avoid confrontation, whenever possible. Problem solved from your end.

Bob Ryan For Permanent Replacement Co-Host!!

2005-07-04T09:31:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I know, he's a blowhard, loud and obnoxious, and has that annoying New England accent, but I thought the chemistry between Kornheiser and Ryan last week was great. It felt a lot more like sitting at the end of a bar in downtown Boston listening to two crusty drunks switch between brilliant takes on sports and playing the dozens than it did a talk show.

No way he should replace Wilbon, but he's at least a hundred times better than the replacements they've tried before. Michael Smith? The 'not really that hateable' Dan Lebatard? The 'actually hateable' Skip Bayless? Poker Commentator Norman Chad? None of them can carry Bob Ryan's jock!

The one thing I will ask is that they never give Dan Shaunessey a shot. It's bad enough just looking at the picture next to his column, much less have to see him speak and move!

International Incident

2005-07-01T08:07:00.000-07:00

I'm heading off to Montreal this morning. It's a bit of a strange story, my buddy Matt entered some contest on-line with the SF Weekly and won a trip to the Montreal Jazz Festival. Since he and his girlfriend recently split, he asked me to go with. Outrageous Fortune indeed!

Thing is, we have a bunch of tickets to the Jazz Festival (which I'm told is one of the leading Jazz festivals in the world), but neither of us really like Jazz. We actually looked into selling our tickets to someone who will appreciate it and this year's big draw, Mark Knopfler, is fetching $160 Canadian on-line. What the hell? -He probably won't even play "The Sultans of Swing", too!

So here's the plan: dump the tickets and head to the comedy clubs and small music venues. We're told there's a casino there, but it's all Monte Carlo, so they expect you to dress up and play Baccarat. I'll just see how much discounted Montreal Expos merchandise I can stuff into my bags and sell to sports collectors back in the states.

See ya next week!

Waiting Period...

2005-06-29T23:44:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I guess the Celtics did all-right, but I'll allow for the obligatory "2-Day Len Bias Waiting Period", before I let myself get excited. I mean, look at him:

"8-Ball? Sure, I'd love to play pool with Shawn Kemp!"

Ainge Stole The Draft!! Ainge Stole The Draft!!!

2005-06-29T19:31:00.000-07:00

This NBA Draft Review is brought to you by Yinka Dare, Nikolos Tskitishvili, J.R. Reid, Dennis Hopson, Kwame Brown and all the rest of the guys who 'didn't quite work out'.

Screw Indiana. Screw Charlotte and screw Memphis (even though they did get my man Hakim Warrick using some sort of voodoo at 19). The big, big, BIG winners last night were The Boston Celtics.

Not only did they get a guy who will be putting holes in the roof of the FleetCenter for 20 years in Gerald Green, they also got the steal of the second round in Ryan Gomes, a player that Jim Calhoun of UConn once apologized for not signing after Providence kicked the crap out of the Huskies a couple of years ago. Mind you, he meant that he wished he had signed him instead of some guy named Emeka Okafor. A freaking steal at 50 (are you listening Seattle Supersonics? Or are you not interested if he's not from France? ...dicks.).

And the Coup de goddamn Gras? I just heard today that the Celtics signed undrafted big white guy and personal man-crush of mine TAYLOR COPPENRATH. Now this team has everything, ridiculously athletic kids (Allen, Jefferson and Green), thuggish idiots (Ricky Davis and Mark Blount), big goofy lookin' white guys (LaFrentz and Coppenrath), and seasoned superstars (Payton, Walker and Pierce). What's not to like?

As for the big loser of the night? Aside from the Seattle Super-Croissants, the 'we need more stringy high schoolers' LA Clippers and the'trade down to 6 to take a player you could've gotten at 16' Portland Trial-babies, it's got to be a toss up between Mitch Kupchak's ongoing trainwreck formerly known as the Los Angeles Lakers and the Toronto power forwards, er, uh, Raptors. Charlie Villanueva? Dude was 4th best player on his team last year, and they weren't that good.

And lastly, evaluating which teams will actually improve as a result of their picks, I gotta go with Utah getting into the playoffs next year. If everyone on their team hadn't missed about 50 games each last season, they would've made it then. Now they've got a legit point guard and a big pissed off Russian in the middle. Make way for them and Golden State (I'm looking at you Sacramento and Seattle).

Dammit, why can't they start the next season now?

NBA Draft Preview

2005-06-28T15:41:00.000-07:00

Time once again to prove to the world that I missed my calling as an NBA scout by sizing up the first 10 or so picks in this year's auditions for the next season of MTV Cribs. Past brilliant predictions of mine include Walt Williams becoming a superstar, Marcus Fizer being much better than Kenyon Martin and Jonathan Bender being the best straight from high school player ever.

1. Andrew Bogut - Bucks - Screw anyone who says this guy's the next Vlade Divac. This guy's the total package. He passes bullets with either hand, has a 7'4" wingspan and can shoot from outside. If Milwaukee passes him up, they're bigger fools than I thought.

2. Marvin Williams - Hawks - Most overrated #2 overall since Keith Van Horn. Might wind up being as good as Mike Sweetney.

3. Deron Williams - Jazz - Instantly makes Utah an exciting team to watch. Seeing Williams and AK-47 together will be a blast.

4. Chris Paul - Hornets - Head case. Remember, this is the guy who blasts people in the package when things don't go his way. If the Hornets couldn't win with Baron Davis, they can't win with this dope.

5. Raymond Felton - Bobcats - UNC's forgotten player. He'll be average and a good role player to slowly build with Okafor.

6. Martell Webster - Blazers - Not even the best high schooler coming out. The Blazers once again lay an egg and will lose this guy like Jermaine O'Neal just as he's about to get good.

7. Danny Granger - Raptors - No matter how good he is, will anyone notice while he's playing in Toronto? He'll be a great addition to Chris Bosh, but no one will care.

8. Channing Frye - Knicks - Everyone will go on and on about what a steal this pick is. He's not. Too skinny and will get pushed around in the low blocks.

9. Ike Diogu - Warriors - Best name in the draft since Pops Mensa-Bonsu dropped out. The addition of this beast makes the Warriors a top 6 team in the west. They will be next year's Phoenix Suns, run and gun and fun to watch.

10. Gerald Green - Lakers - Unfortunately for me and everyone else who hates the Lakers, this is the steal of the draft. Dude can jump through the roof of any gym in the country.

So there you have it. Reports later about how wrong I was about the order and reports in a few years about how Marvin Williams is the next Michael Jordan and how I'm the only person in the world that ever referred to him as overrated.

Wear it with pride, people...

2005-06-28T08:06:00.000-07:00

What better way to support Barry Bonds through whatever his next injury may be?

Stinking Hypocrites!

2005-06-27T10:35:00.000-07:00

I know the season's been over for days now, so why would anyone want to hear anything about basketball, right? C'mon, you know there's nothing else to talk about. Baseball? It's not even July yet. There's no Olympics, no World Cup, no Euro Championships. About the only thing left to look forward to is football, which should be holding the Hall of Fame game any time now.

But anyway, back to basketball. I'm here today to defend one Timothy Duncan and call all the nay-sayers who rip him up a bunch of stupid hypocrites. We've all heard the chant, "Duncan's soft. He's boring, he doesn't play with enough passion.".

Most of this is bullshit. If you watched the finals, Duncan many times got his own rebound and putback, against Ben Wallace! He scrapped, he fought, he generally kicked ass against the best defensive team in the league whose main goal was to stop Tim Duncan. So let's just lay all that stuff to rest.

The only thing Duncan IS guilty of is being boring. He's an awful interview. Mainly because there's no anticipation that he's going to say something incredibly stupid like when you interview Allen Iverson or Rasheed Wallace. You also won't get the dreadful 'comedy stylings' that you get when you interview Shaq O'Neal. Nope, he just answers your questions. No 'N'-word, no shout outs to his baby's mamas, just simple boring answers to the boring questions you're asking.

Sportswriters are like sharks, if they stop circling around the bloodbath swallowing everything in sight, they die. Given the choice, it's much easier to write a trash piece about Ron Artest punching some dude than it is to write how polite Mr. Duncan answered all your questions to your satisfaction. That doesn't mean he's a rotten player, however, or that his reputation is tarnished, it just means that someone finally listened to sportswriters who spent their entire career talking about what assholes athletes are.

basketball?

2005-06-25T00:50:00.000-07:00

OH do we long for the stars of yesteryear...pistol pete wore right through his lucky socks.

Wow! Did You See That Guy I've Never Heard Of Hit That Home Run Off Of That Other Guy You'll Never Hear Of Again?

2005-06-22T08:19:00.000-07:00

As anyone who Tivos Pardon The Interruption knows, ESPN has totally dicked their schedule around the last couple of days to accomodate the sucking black hole of sports entertainment known as the College World Series. Now let me be as clear as I can on this topic as my opinion is very nuanced and could be misconstrued;

NO ONE CARES

OK, perhaps I'm exaggerating a little. I'm sure at least half of the players immediate families care (or at least has to pretend to in case the guy makes the majors and becomes rich). But outside that, nobody, no one, nada people, zero, zilch, Squa-doosh.

Honestly, have you tried to watch any of this crap? Between the aluminum bats and the college players who all look older than Kevin Costner, it's simply intolerable. Isn't there a Scrabble tournament or Geography Bee that ESPN could be covering instead?

If ESPN switched one of these games over to the Duece, the Classic, or even that new one that no one gets, the 'U' or whatever, would anyone care? How much hatemail would they get? My guess is they might get two or three illegible screeds on a cocktail napkin that just say "Git-R-Done" over and over.

Don't screw with the franchise ESPN. The day I start caring about college baseball is the day I've ordered my wife to have me mercifully euthanized.

This guy?

2005-06-21T00:10:00.000-07:00

Okay, I played along when we all agreed that LaBron was 19, but this guy looks older than LaMont from Sanford and Son!

Hell, Jess Settles didn't look that old after 8 years of college!

Epic Sports Day

2005-06-20T08:24:00.000-07:00

Every once in awhile, you get a pretty good overall sports day. Between yesterday's finish at the US Open and game 5 between the Spurs and Pistons, that was some good stuff. I'm not even that into golf, but seeing it come down to a seemingly nice Kiwi of Maori descent and man of many races Tiger Woods was great. Good dramatic stuff.

And as for the NBA finals, finally a good game. In the end, Detroit just doesn't have a go-to player like Horry when they need the big shot. That, and Rasheed Wallace (sorry to continue to pick on him) missed becoming the biggest NBA finals goat in league history by .01 seconds. If they had seen the non-existent timeout he was trying to call, it would've made Chris Webber look like nothing.

I'll be pulling for Detroit in game 6 just to see a 7 game series.

A Home For Kellerman

2005-06-17T07:51:00.000-07:00

Actually, more like a sublet, because I can't imagine that this particular gig will last very long.

Yup, one of the best sports commentators in the country, unceremoniously cancelled by the geniuses at FoxSports so that they can fill his time slot with another Summer Sanders list show or something, is back. Of course, he's no longer talking about sports and is forced to suck up to one of the world's most repulsive human beings, but hey, work's work, right?

The Situation with Tucker Carlson debuted this week and, thanks probably in large part to former 'I, Max' producer Bill Wolff, looks like a political version of Kellerman's old show. There's a list of topics, rapid fire exchange. All it needs is Michael Holley cracking back on Tucker's Momma and it'd be lawsuit time.

But anyway, back to Max. His role on the show is called "The Outsider" and he basically comes in every day to 'defend the indefensible', in other words be a contrarian, in other words, the 'devil's advocate' portion of his old show. Except now it's not about sports and involves toad-like bowtie officianado Carlson.

Where to begin. Poor Max. What's most offensive about the whole piece is Max's contention that HE doesn't really even believe most of the stuff he's arguing. The problem is, that because he's arguing against Tucker Carlson, most of the positions that Max is arguing are left-wing liberal positions. This creates the illusion that most liberals don't REALLY believe what they're arguing but are only doing it to be a contrarian and a jerk. Kellerman's a smart guy and usually makes his point fairly well, but with that goofy grin on his face all the time and 'Hey, you never know, I might actually think that, wink wink' attitude, I find his whole persona really annoying on the show. Well, that and because he has to share the screen with Tucker 'the dick' Carlson.

Attention FOXSports, if Max Kellerman is still under contract with you, give him a SPORTS show. That's what he does. And somebody please revive Michael Holley and get him back on Around the Horn or something.

Pistons Conspiracy Theories Put To Rest

2005-06-16T12:46:00.000-07:00

As Bill Simmons so brilliantly points out, the real conspiracy is not by the NBA officials against the Detroit Pistons, but by GOD himself FOR the Detroit Pistons:

Is there a luckier team than the Pistons? Last spring, they lucked out with Jason Kidd's knee, the Derek Fisher shot and Karl Malone's injury. Last November, the Pacers looked like the best team in the East before the Artest Melee turned everything around. Last week, Miami was about to finish them off before Wade went down. And now, they're down 2-0 and the leading candidate for Finals MVP goes down 21 seconds into Game 3. I'm not saying good luck is something that should penalize them historically – believe me, I'm a Patriots fan, I would never insinuate such a thing. But Detroit's run of good fortune is almost unprecedented, don't you think? At the rate we're going, Duncan is going to be accidentally ejected from the Spurs' charter on the way back to San Antonio.

More Phil conspiracies...

2005-06-16T09:00:00.000-07:00

Rumor is, Jerry Buss said to Phil Jackson, "You either marry my daughter, or coach my basketball team!" -And here we are.

Actually, how 'bout this: Kobe Bryant aside, Phil wants to own a basketball team, and knows he'll end up marrying Jeannie Buss. So, what better way to "up" the inheritance than to lay on the good behavior by coaching this hapless team?

That way, instead of spending millions of dollars on a professional team, he simply lets nature "take its course" in the form of poisonous hair-weave glue toxins, seeping into in his father-in-law's skull.

I'm sure he hoped this would happen quickly, and without ever having to see Kobe Bryant's petulant face again, but sometimes we all have to make sacrifices. The old man's still got some kick! I bet the only time he checked the papers at all while in Australia was to see if his future father-in-law had croaked, leaving his future wife, his future team.

Besides, what better way to come into ownership of the Los Angeles Lakers than body surfing with Luc Longley? And how great would it have been to rush back to L.A., rush through a quickie wedding, rush to fire Mitch Kupchak and rush a Kobe Bryant (& some scrubs) for LaBron James trade?

-Those dreams could only be had in front of a late night Australian beach bonfire, getting Krunked out on Fosters and a trash bag of Haystacks Longley's Walkabout Skunk Weed.

"Phil, wake up!! You started talking and smiling in your sleep. What were you dreaming about?"

"Nothing."

btw, check out the is "portrait" of Jeannie Buss, an obvious attempt by her father to curry Phil Jackson's favor:

http://www.bartnagel.com/portraits/buss_jeanie.html

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Jeannie Buss Must Be A Hell Of A Lay

2005-06-15T13:06:00.000-07:00

Wait a minute, is he giving us the finger?!

I've been going back and forth on this for awhile, but I've finally made up my mind about how I feel about the Lakers new/old coach.

Good for Phil Jackson. He's getting to do something that many people like me who hate the Lakers have dreamed of doing all their lives. First of all he's going to completely rob Jerry Buss of so much money that he won't be able to afford wig dye anymore, he then gets to make absolutely sure that the Lakers and Kobe Bryant take a few more steps backwards (with the generous help of Mitch Kupchak) making it even more difficult for them to 'rebuild' later on, and finally, he gets to screw the bosses daughter for another year or so. And then *poof*, like Kaiser Soze, he'll be gone.

If brilliant guys like Ricardo Montalban believe that revenge is a dish best served cold, then it's my belief that Phil Jackson is putting his revenge in the Sub-Zero for a year or so. I believe the only realization that he had while surfing with Luc Longley was that he let those pricks in L.A. off too easy, and that as satisfying as it was to write a book calling them all douchebags, it'll be even better next year when he's sitting on the bench losing 120-69 to the Warriors and turns to Jerry Buss and says, "You're daughter gave me a first class rimjob last night, and by the way, I quit again."

Way to go Zen Master, way to go.

Rasheed Wallace Is A Dick

2005-06-13T08:03:00.000-07:00

Having said that, I think Wallace has great game, and the thing that bothers me most about him is imagining what an incredible player he would be if he removed his head from his ass long enough not to be a negative influence on his team and instead focused on what his job is supposed to be, to play friggin' basketball.

Last game contained a stretch that perfectly illustrated Rasheed's petulant, child-like asshole-ishness. Upon not getting a foul call, Wallace goes through his usual smiling, persistent homeless guy that doesn't know when to stop routine. After not getting the call reversed (as is always the case with other players), Rasheed goes into pout mode. The referee tosses him the ball to inbound. He doesn't move and the ball bounces off his chest and onto the ground. At this point, the official is getting pissed and rightfully so. What are you, Rasheed, five freaking years old? What, you don't want to wait in line at the bank, so you're just going to fall on the floor and play dead? I thought the official handled it very well. He bent down, picked the ball up and laid it at Wallace's feet and IMMEDIATELY started counting off five for him to pick it up and inbound.

Anyway, what I'm getting at with all this (other than just pointing out what a baby he is) is that if Wallace could just show officials some respect and not act like a such an ass, he would get the benefit of the doubt on calls and score more and become a top echelon superstar. What is it that's so damn hard about that?

Random Thoughts...

2005-06-12T19:19:00.000-07:00

Former Detroit Piston Bad-Boy coach, Chuck Daly used to tell his players, "First team to a 100 wins," and then they'd sprint to the 100 point mark. Nowadays, it seems the first team to 80 should win. Indeed, the score at halftime of NBA Final Game 1 was 37-35. WTF?! Tonight's game seems a bit better, but game 1 was horrible any way you cut it. If we consider that playoff teams in the 80's averaged around 110 points a game, that means today's 85 point performances signify a 23% drop in point production. Even defensive specialist, Bruce Bowen (who I can't stand), can't account for such a huge drop.

Here's a copy of my latest email to PTI:

Do I recall you guys complaining about Jeff Gordon's rendition of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" at Wrigley Field? How in the world could that have been any worse than last night's, nationally televised Mike Ditka performance? If you "Boo-ed" Gordon, don't you have to "Boo" Ditka? Or does coach get a free pass?

My Hatred Runneth Over...

2005-06-09T00:12:00.000-07:00

2005 PTE Douchebag of the Year nominee #2: Drew Rosenhaus

It's tough to imagine that anyone could topple the greats in this category like Kobe Bryant, Barry Bonds, Daniel Snyder, Chris Webber, and Terrell Owens, but Drew Rosenhaus, you're right up there with the best. I suspected you were a Hall of Fame Douchebag, today's PTI interview proved it.

From the opening bell, when T.K. complimented his thinning, hair-weaved scalp as a thing of beauty, the guys baited him and baited him. With all the brains of a sunfish, Drew left no hook unswallowed. Tony couldn't even control his excitement, proclaiming "I love this guy!" knowing full well the more ridiculous he sounds the more people will talk about the interview. Bravo, douchebag.

Here are some excerpts:

When asked if Terrell Owens will be in training camp:
"We won't rule it out. It is something we're considering."
-Really? How much do we owe you for the mere consideration of honoring the contract Terrell signed? What a saint you are to even consider such madness!

On the Philly fans:
"He's really not turning his back on the fans. They would do the same thing if they thought what they were doing wasn't fair."
Hear that? -Any blue-collar Eagle fan who thinks they're underpaid can find legal representation with Drew!
"I promise you guys, the minute he catches his first touchdown pass, if he's back with the Eagles, they'll be cheering for him again! So I'm not concerned about that." How's that for marginalizing your loyalty, Philadelphia?

On his relationship with Donavan McNabb:
"What goes on between those two players is really between them."
-If it's really between them why did Terrell talk shit about Donavan to the media? That's not exactly intimate, Drew.

On Owens signing his "sub-standard" 7 year, 49 million dollar contract with Philadelphia:
"He didn't have a choice! He would have been stuck in Baltimore!"
Boo fucking Hoo! Last time I checked, the Ravens were no slouch.

When asked to clarify that he would have a client hold out even if there's a signed contract in place:
"That's correct. Absolutely. If I think that that contract isn't fair."
-And you stand to get a larger cut of a new contract?

When asked why Rosenhaus client, first year player, Shawn Taylor can't extend the courtesy of calling back his Hall of Fame coach, Joe Gibbs:
"Some of my clients prefer, when it's the off season, for them to concentrate on the off-season and not deal with football. They want to take a break. -That's Shawn's philosophy, so I've communicated on his behalf to the coach."

On infuriating other sports agents by luring athletes to his camp:
"There's no way to lure players. They're intelligent, they're smart, they want a top guy. But I don't care if agents don't like me. I want them to resent me! That means I'm beating them up! Do you want your competitors to like you? I don't. I want to beat them down! These are not guys I want to love me and like me. I want them to despise me because that means I'm beating them."
-All those years as a kid on the schoolyard really clarified that position, didn't it?

On whether he has a soul:
"I love this profession, I love my clients, I love the National Football League! I'm trying to do a job that's good for the sport by taking care of my clients, taking care of their business."
Hear that, Philadelphia? When T.O. is sitting out the entire season, it's because Drew is trying to do what's good for the sport.

City of Philadelphia, I have absolutely nothing in common with you other than a couple of trips to see my cousin there when I was a kid. -I even cheered loudly for you to lose the SuperBowl last year, but my heart goes out to you now.

I know you're a beautifully working-class town, so it must be even more difficult to hear that a $49 million dollar contract isn't enough for T.O.'s family. All I can suggest is you mine the best players off one of the worst teams in the league and trade T.O. I guarantee, in the long run, you'll much rather have either Roy or Mike Williams and Detroit's best young defensive player than T.O. And think about how satisfying it will be to make him play for a bad team!

Finally, for those of us who always hated Duke basketball because, although we never knew any Duke graduates, deep-down we just knew they had to be ego-maniacal douchebags, we now have a face to go along with those assumptions. That poster-boy is Drew Rosenhaus.

-May he make many more appearances on PTI, for watching Tony and Wilbon hand him the rope to hang himself with is just too entertaining to keep bottled up.

NBA Playoffs Interrupted By NBA Preseason

2005-06-08T13:03:00.000-07:00

Stolen from America's Finest News Source.

DETROIT—Game Six of the NBA Eastern Conference finals between the Miami Heat and the Detroit Pistons was postponed Saturday so that the Heat could play their first preseason game against the Seattle Supersonics. "It would've been great to have determined who would've been in the finals, but this exhibition game was already on the schedule," said Heat coach Stan Van Gundy. "Sonics fans have been looking forward to this game all off-season." Representatives for both teams expressed hopes that the 2005 NBA Finals would be over by the start of the 2006 All-Star Game.

Do They Not Have Men's Departments In Spain?

2005-06-07T11:38:00.000-07:00

I'll have to take Kornheiser's word for it when he said he doesn't look good in Capri pants.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go cut off my ears and rub laundry detergent into my eyes.

Congrats to Rafael Nadal for proving that you can play great tennis while promoting the new line from Ann Taylor.

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Please Put One Of These Teams Out Of Their Misery

2005-06-06T09:40:00.000-07:00

Thank the sweet lord that either the Detroit Pistons or Miami Heat will finally be given their walking papers tonight. If this were a best of 9 series, I don't think I could put up with much more.

If the Pistons lose, we don't have to watch Larry Brown die in front of us anymore. Every press conference looks like he just got out of chemo and realizes that he'll have to back in a couple of days for more treatment. There's no way imaginable that he comes back next year to coach this team. I'm not even sure if half of the team is even aware that he is still coaching. At this point, Larry's like a dying relative that hangs around the house while everyone else tries hard to not get too attached to him because he's definitely on the way out.

And if it's time for the Heat to go, it'll just be nice to know that Dwayne Wade's heart won't explode from trying to drag 300 pounds of Shaquille O'Neal and the entire rest of the team into the finals. Plus, it might spare us from the ridiculous egos that would be created if the Heat made it to the finals. People who have been undeservedly riding lucky streaks of getting traded to good teams like Robert Horry and Sam Cassell would look like nothing compared to the amount of self-gratification that we'd be treated to from Damon Jones and Rasual Butler. And don't even get me started on how much garbage Alonzo Mourning would start to spew.

So whoever wins tonight, I'll be alright with it. Pressed to choose, I'd probably prefer to see Miami in it because it's nice to see someone different at least make the finals, and because even though I complained about it before, getting to see Shaq take a few more pointless shots at Kobe Bryant would indeed be fun to watch.

Words Up

2005-06-03T20:13:00.000-07:00

A 'Holla', 'shoutout', and of course DAP by the truckload to the fine folks at Bacon Strips for a kind mention. Thanks to them, our readership shot up to well over a hundred a day! This is a big improvement from the usual 3 friends of ours and 20 other people that accidentally mash our URL on their keyboard while trying to get a hacked password to unlock 'hairyteens.com'.

UPDATE: I just realized that Baconstrip's post is from mid-april! D'oh! Well, if anyone knows a reason other than our unfettered, chicken-rich brilliance that this site is suddenly 'gettin some', you best not keep it to yo' self!

Mmmmm... Bacon.

The Time Has Come To Shut Your Trap

2005-06-01T10:11:00.000-07:00

Kazaam! Like an urban 'Bewitched'!

Now we can look forward to 2 days of "The Pistons will win it all" talk from the same people who have spent the last two days proclaiming Dwayne Wade to be akin to a unstoppable robot-killing-machine version of Oscar Robertson. I know it wouldn't make for fascinating television, but it would be nice to hear one sports pundit say, "These teams are pretty evenly matched, and since they both have a tendency to simply not show up every once in awhile, predicting who will win game by game is utterly pointless.

The person who really needs to stop, however, is Shaquille O'Neal. Yes, yes, we get it, the Lakers were idiots for letting you go, you were more dominating this year than Kobe Bryant and how dare they etc, etc. You got 5 rebounds last night! That's one less than Quentin Richardson got on Monday night.

Granted, Shaq is a ridiculous freak of nature. He changed the game and officials have never known what to do about it. But he also invented a strategy wherein you can win games by fouling him because he's so awful from the charity stripe. Can you really make the argument that the best player of all time can be the worst of his entire era in one very vital part of the game?

So Shaq, I beg you, don't give any more interviews until you win the whole thing (which you won't). Show some humility, try and pretend you're not aging gracelessly and maybe some day you can backup Darko Milicic and win your fourth ring.

Bravo, Gentlemen!

2005-05-31T20:58:00.000-07:00

Today's show was one of your best. Precisely the caliber that compelled us to create this blog. Maybe it was the long weekend, but everyone brought their A-Game today, even Stat Boy's Toni Tannille career-joke seemed fresh and timely. If anyone has it on the Tivo, watch it a second time before deleting!

Today's Mail-Time had me wishing the countdown would slow to a stall. I know it was an easy subject, but I could listen to the guys trash Robby Gordon's protest to not race against Danica Patrick until her weight advantage is adjusted for hours. Let's find this dude and just antagonize him until he makes an even larger fool of himself, cuz you know he will!

2005 PTE Douchebag of the Year, nominee #1:

Also, I'd like to respectfully wish Joe Namath a happy birthday by not making a Suzie Kolber joke. Instead, I quote Grampa Simpson who in a flashback to Superbowl III screamed at a shot of him on television,

"Look at that hair! He looks like a girl! Now Johnny Unitas, that's a haircut you can set you watch to!"

-The less sense that makes, the funnier it is.

Think like this guy, Phoenix:

2005-05-30T15:19:00.000-07:00

I've been accused many times of being so Boston-sports-centric that I've come to agree with my accusers. I realize they're completely right, so there's no use in trying to defend myself. I now just try to move on, living life with a Red(Sox) Scarlet Letter attached to my chest. Things could be worse.

So, forgive me when I say, it only makes sense that someone in the Phoenix Suns locker room mention a certain baseball team who was down 3 games to none against the Yankees in the AL Championship series. Phoenix is so much better than they've played against the Spurs so far. If they could just concentrate more on their defense and less about trying to out-score San Antonio, I think they can take tonight's game.

It sounds simple, but all they have to do is win one game, tonight's. Make no mistake, though, tonight's game will be the toughest. If they manage a win, they'll be rewarded with the next game at home and hopefully a slight momentum shift.

Hopefully, Stevie Nash won't have to do it all himself.

So much for conspiracies!

2005-05-25T08:17:00.000-07:00

-That is, unless you're talking about the vast pro-Milwaukee and Portland conspiracies. Looks like all our expectations about how the Lakers and/or the Knicks, with a little help from the league, would jump to the #1 position in the NBA draft was a bit misguided. David Stern seems to have a bug up his ass recently concerning all the talk of league collusion. First he comes down hard on Jeff Van Gundy for suggesting the refs conspire against Yao Ming and then the draft goes off without any large-market winners.

This is similar to the way Bud Selig suddenly (with the US government in his corner) can't tolerate any steroid use now that everyone is talking about it. I love how these problems simply "don't exist" until someone in the media addresses the issue.

Could Larry Brown Have Been Right?

2005-05-18T08:18:00.000-07:00

Yeah I know, he won a championship in college, won the NBA title last year, he made the Clippers decent for awhile, he's the only guy that's been able to handle headcases like Allen Iverson and Dennis Rodman while at the same time making the whole team better. But for some reason I've always suspected Larry Brown wasn't that great.

As it turns out, I'm probably wrong. While everyone including myself thought it was a complete jackass move to take Darko with the 2nd pick and then proceed to turn him into the last option off the bench, I think in the long run it will be the best thing that ever happened to him. Seeing him explode off the bench yesterday and rack up 3 whole points makes me optimistic that in 20 or 30 years he could be STARTING for a Larry Brown coached team.

Seriously, though, being 17-years old and having the entire continent of Europe riding your jock probably does inflate your ego a little and having arguably the greatest coach ever sit your ass down and make you watch actual NBA professionals win it all will probably make him an incredibly humble big time player down the road.

Either that, or just force him to sign with a team that will play him.

You Suck. Boo-Ya!!!!

2005-05-16T08:18:00.000-07:00

"Combining the smoking hot looks of Doug E. Fresh with the urban hip-hop street cred of Urkel"

With the possible exception of 4th generation Vaudeville acts and the rotting corpse of Helen Hayes, is there a more tired act than Stuart Scott?

What demographic does DJ Stoo-ey play to? I've never met anyone who thinks he's funny. I've also never met anyone who thinks he's clever, or hip, or anything but uncomfortable to watch.

It seems like ESPN would like to get rid of Stu, but he must have the longest contract ever signed. They've tried pawning him off on every silly game show and bad idea reality show spinoff they've ever tried. Anything to keep him off Sportscenter (Dream Job, Stump the Schwab etc.), but unfortunately it hasn't worked. Every once in awhile I still have to have my sports highlights utterly ruined by a nonsensical word-a-lanche of 15-year old Ebonic gibberish that makes Fat Albert's buddy Mushmouth sound like Cornel West.

Please, Stu, please, please, please, please, please quit.

Most Promising Newcomer of 1958!

2005-05-14T03:28:00.000-07:00

Buddha bless Stat Boy yesterday for calling T. out on two pop culture references (Ruth Buzzi and J. Edgar Hoover), saying "This show would 'ave been huge in 1968!" Only problem is, it didn't deter Tone Def one bit, since we were all subject to hearing him name-check Judy Garland on today's episode (and you accuse Wilbon of having a man-purse!).

Can someone please let Tony know he's not opening up for Steve & Edie in the Birkshires? He seems to have a beautiful command of pop culture, but can we all pitch in and get him the 2005 upgrade?

While we're organizing surreptitious anti-establishment sports movements, I want everyone to petition the show, so a dying child might see his final dream (nevermind who that is, we'll fill in the blanks later). -We need to encourage the guys to use more familiar nick-names. They single-handily popularized the Donavan "F." McNabb craze, and I think they're way past due on another nickname, just waiting to be plucked. Simply put:

Richard Justice, of the Houston Chronicle becomes....(drum roll)...

Dick Justice!

Not only is it a great porn name (gay, or straight), but it will obviously catapult said Justice way ahead of his less deserving peers. No longer need we trifle with the likes of Dan Le Betard, Bob Ryan (who sucks), and Dan Shaughnessy. Where are their cool nicknames?

I think it's clear, Dick Justice is the greatest untapped nickname since Battlestar Galactica starred a very appealing Richard Hatch (Dick Hatch, to those in the know).

How's that for an out-dated pop culture reference, TK?

I Can't Argue That He Wouldn't Deserve It More Than George Tenet...

2005-05-13T08:59:00.000-07:00

Mona! Angela! Samantha! What just happened?

Every once in awhile Tony or Wilbon will say something that I'm convinced is going to get one or both of them in significant trouble (Wilbon's dig on Canada aroused controversy for a couple of hours, but nothing major).

Such was the case a few days ago when Tony said the following; "Dale Jarrett (or whoever) was worried when he ran Tony Danza off the road causing him to flip over that he may have killed him, AS IF HE WOULDN'T GET A MEDAL OF HONOR FOR THAT.". Something tells me if PTI was a major network show that Tony would have to perform all kinds of fake-ass damage control, going on Danza's show and making nice etc.

Here's to relative obscurity!

He Can't Pick His Own Disciples? He's Nick-named King James For Chrissakes!!

2005-05-12T07:28:00.000-07:00

Memo to LeBron's new agent: Athletes have been used in the past to make overpriced shoes seem more appealing. There may be some money there. Look into it.

All the fuss that people are raising over LeBron James dumping his agent in favor of his buddy seems silly. "But he made him over $150 million", "What about loyalty?", "What happens if he needs to change teams or negotiate a new deal?".

Let's first talk about the money. Yes, his old agent did negotiate $150 million dollars in contracts for him, for which he was compensated with $15 million dollars. And what was it he did exactly that a smoking chimp couldn't have done? What, he pointed out that a phenominally talented basketball player with a likeable personality would be a good pitch-man for Sprite? Good move, I would never of thought of that.

And as for the new deal or trade, how hard is that going to be? Something tells me if LeBron becomes a free agent and every team in the league is competing for him, they're not going to say to themselves, "Hey, wait a minute. He's got that slightly more inexperienced agent! Let's offer him a '40' of St. Ides and coupon for Red Lobster and see if he takes that.".

For what they do, agents are the most overpayed, overhyped scumbags in the entire world. So good for LeBron for at least making it someone he likes.

Shananigans!

2005-05-11T00:03:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know 'Drew wrote about how Iverson should have got the MVP, so I don't want to turn this into an anti-Suns thing, but Coach of the Year going to D'Antoni? -I can definitely see being more upset at that. This sounds like a "Stump the Shwab" question in the making.

First off, even though he was a first year coach (and there are plenty of challenges to that), what specific obstacles did D'Antoni have to deal with over the course of the year? When debating the MVP, everyone cites the slide the Suns went on for those 5 or 6 games that Nash was hurt. But as much as that's an argument for Nash, that's an argument against D'Antoni, that he couldn't keep it together.

And while we're talking about injuries, aside from Nash, who in that starting five spent substantial time on the DL? -Doesn't staying healthy help your team immensely? Also, while it's obvious the Suns have no bench, 3 of their 5 starters made the All-Star game. -And The Martix is far and away the most under-appreciated player in the NBA. Has Fantasy basketball taught us nothing?

I mean, did the Pacers go straight into the toilet when Jermaine O'Neal and Stephen Jackson were suspended and the league's best defensive player (Artest) was kicked off the team? Not exactly. Not at all!

Was it that the West is so much stronger that put D'Antoni over the top? Well, while the West is still definitely better than the East, having Shaq not there anymore dramatically changes its landscape. No one can debate that.

So Rick Carlisle, who came in second has somewhat of a gripe, but it has to be Nate McMillan who gets the shortest end of the stick here. Granted, Phoenix had the best record in the league (thank you Mr. Nash), but NO ONE had the Sonics getting in the playoffs at the beginning of the season. -Forget about winning the division, which they did. Even months into the season, viewers were subjected to psuedo-analytical TNT "When Will the Sonics Collapse?" pieces. For every commentator who mentioned the Sonics, it was a matter of when, not if, the clock would strike midnight. And it never did.

The fact that there's even talk about McMillan leaving Seattle to coach LaBron in Cleveland should send the collective espresso spitting out of Seattle's mouth. I don't know what Ray Allen is asking now that his contract is up, but if it's reasonable, that franchise would best serve themselves by keeping both McMillan and Allen around.

I can't condone Tony's joke of saying Seattle is in jeopardy of turning back into a hydro-planing town, so keep the strong foundation you already have together, Sonics!

Back!

2005-05-10T02:41:00.000-07:00

I'm finally back from my fact-finding tour (AKA having a smoke out back).

Looks like those Celtics let me down again! All I can fall back on is last year's Red Sox and Patriots, so I won't complain. Besides, call this sour grapes if you must, but I haven't seen a more insignificant series since... well, since this year's Washington/Chicago series. Basketball realists have just went into hibernation as far as the Eastern Conference is concerned. Wake me when Detroit plays Miami in the spring.

Until then, let's branch out and consider The Sport of Kings, horse racing! First off, that "Sport of Kings" thing is great for promotion, but nothing could be further from the truth. Since royalty is a foreign concept here, let's apply the American Translation. What used to be "Kings" elsewhere, in America, is "rich heartless businessmen" who are convinced that their watching a horserace constitutes competition. -That irony is completely independent of the white trash "royalty" who litter the Churchill Downs center field.

Regardless, I've been a fan of the Triple Crown for a while now, I think my fascination started when Lisa was walking out of the office 2 years ago and said, "I'm going to the Kentucky Derby, want me to make a bet for you?"

To which I muttered, "Ten bucks on the 6 horse." That 6 horse was Funny Cide (which is the way I want to die someday), paid 15 to 1. $150! Horse racing, you have a new fan!

So immediately after last weekend's race, when they said Giacamo was a 50 to 1 winner, all I could think of was "10 made $500! Fortune favors the bold!" Still, the beauty and euphoria of watching the ultimate underdog take the top prize was squashed by the post-race interviews of the favorite, losing owners. NBC couldn't seem to locate Giacamo's owner, if he could get a ticket at all, but they had their cameras locked and loaded on the losing owners.

Maybe this relates back to the American translation of "Sport of Kings", maybe it's widespread in sports, but losing gracefully, with pride and composure, is truly a lost art. Since animals are known to make people more compassionate, I expected a bit of humanity after watching such a powerful spectacle. Nothing. Just pure disappointment, as if he was cheated out of an investment. Not even the trite, "Well, we're just happy for all we've accomplished and for the chance to compete. Ya can't win 'em all!"

The only emotional reaction came from Giacamo's jockey, who rightfully was at a loss of words. Good luck the rest of the way!

Defending Those We Hate

2005-05-09T08:16:00.000-07:00

Allen Iverson's a jackass. A thuggish, short-sighted, selfish, ball-hogging dumbass with the likeability of Lou Gehrig's disease.

And another thing, he was by far and away the best basketball player in the NBA this year. The idea that he finished fifth in the MVP voting is criminal. I've got nothing against Nash, O'Neal, Nowitzki or Tim Duncan, but the primary reason that Nash won is that he was injured for a few weeks and Phoenix went into the toilet. His numbers are average, his game is nice and speedy and sound and all, but what kind of nonsense criteria are they using these days? Hell, Jamal Mashburn was injured for the entire season and his team nearly finished dead last. Why not make him MVP?

You don't have to use 'perceived' value to evaluate Allen Iverson. Granted, you take him off the 76ers and, not only do they not even come close to making the playoffs, but you could make the argument that they would've given Atlanta and New Orleans a serious run for their money as the worst team in the league. Honestly, are you going to tell me that a starting five of Dalembert, Webber, Korver, Iguodala and Kevin Ollie wouldn't be historically awful?

Allen Iverson DOUBLED Steve Nash's ppg while Nash only got 3 more assists per game than A.I. Whatever garbage stats you can pull up, I can pretty much guarantee that Iverson's are significantly better and that if he were a nice floppy-haired white guy (there, I said it), they'd be building statues of him in front of every arena in the country.

Oh well, the whole thing is moot anyway since some complete fool gave a fifth place vote to P.J. Brown. That's right, the 3rd best player on the 2nd worst team is 5th best in the whole league. Kudos to you!

Simple Math With Kellen Winslow II

2005-05-06T23:50:00.000-07:00

PLUS

EQUALS

Special Guest Blogger Oliver Stone

2005-05-05T07:59:00.000-07:00

If Barry Bonds had any credibility left whatsoever, no one would imagine questioning the 8 months it's now going to take to cure an injury that normally requires 5-6 weeks of rehab. But he doesn't, so we may question away!

So just what the hell is going on with Barry? Here's my theory; Whatever he took to bulk up the way he did for as long as he did takes a while to get out of your system. So Barry brings in his 'special' doctor (one that, by the way, is on probation until 2009) to make damn sure that Bonds doesn't return to baseball until he can pass any and all tests they're going to give him with flying colors.

Either that or he's having some sort of reaction to going off the various juices and creams and motor oils and horsepills he's on.

Whatever's going on, I think it's time for the Giants to grow a pair of balls and stand up to Bonds. The chances of him coming back and breaking any more records are pretty slim at this point, and he's doing nothing but making your franchise look foolish. No other company in the world would sit by with their thumbs up their ass while their most valuable employee screws himself up with the aid of some quack that's not on the corporate health plan.

Don't look for the sycophantic Giants fans to take the lead on this either. They'll continue to kiss his ass more than anyone hoping that he comes back and breaks Aaron's record so that they'll have something they can point to when people ask why they've been wasting their lives on this team.

I honestly believe that this whole thing will come to a head pretty soon. No one can be this guilty for this long with this much heat and scrutiny and walk away from it.