Prediction Clearance Sale!

Time to purge my system of prognostications. Here's some things that are as guaranteed as the Syracuse/Wake Forest championship game:

NBA - West predictably comes down to Phoenix vs. San Antonio with Spurs winning in six. East pits the unlikely Celtics against the Heat with Miami sweeping. Spurs win in 7 with Manu Ginobili named finals MVP.

Hockey - Replacement players start next season. New York Rangers go an undefeated 25-0 before the real players come back and still miss the playoffs.

Australian Rules Football - Fremantle and Melbourne fight for top spot all season. Hawthorn continues its role as league whipping post. St. Kilda once again disappoints in the playoffs and Brisbane winds up winning for the 4th time in 5 years. Also, anyone reading this suddenly cares.

NBA Draft - Lakers get #1 pick, proving that the whole lottery is fixed. Bogut's brilliance creates huge demand for anything Australian. Paul Hogan is pleased.

Alright, enough spoon-bending mentalism. We now return you to your regularly scheduled plane of existence.

Taking The Boys To Task

Everyone pissed me off yesterday, even Stat Boy! Why do I feel like the only person on earth at times who thinks Ashley Judd is a no-talent blow-hard whose brand of 'look at me' cheerleading for Kentucky ranges from 'self-serving' to 'sickeningly annoying'?

A perfectly encapsulated diatribe of 'Superfan' Ashley was to be found in Slate a couple of weeks ago:

"Ashley Judd, superfan. It's one thing for celebrities like Jack Nicholson and Spike Lee to flaunt their wealth courtside during a pro game. But watching the aging ingénue don pigtails to prove she can relate to the commoners of the commonwealth is just sad. First, she punishes us with dreck like Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. Now, she pollutes UK telecasts because TV directors can't resist endless cutaways of Wynonna's sister. Yeah, yeah, she knows her basketball. She also dated Michael Bolton. Let's not go nuts glorifying her critical reasoning skills."

Well put, to be sure, but my dislike of younger Judd is not just limited to her 'let's cheer on the boys and serve them orange slices' chipperness on the sidelines. Have you ever seen her interviewed? I've never seen anyone so desperate to prove how intelligent she is. Overpronouncing every word as if annunciation equals smart. Inevitably as well, she'll sit on her legs or do something else during the interview to let everyone know how much she plays by her own rules.

So give it a rest Wilbon (and to a lesser extent TK and Statboy). There are infinitely more attractive women at sporting events for you to drool over and ones I'm sure that are 100 times less annoying than Ashley Judd.

Mexico Schmexico

If you're nuts for International soccer (or happen to live next to a Taqueria), you're probably aware that Mexico beat the U.S. 2-1 in a World Cup qualifier yesterday. By now, most of you are asking either, a) How could I possibly give a crap about that while every NCAA game is going into overtime?, or b) I slightly care. Does this mean America has been eliminated and I won't even have the chance in 2006 to run down the street chanting 'U.S.A., U.S.A.!'?

Well, even though most of you asked 'a', I'm going to answer 'b' because I have nothing to add about the NCAA's other than 'Screw Roy Williams.

The loss for the U.S., while being their first in a long time and a setback, has not eliminated them from World Cup qualifying. They are currently 4th out of 6 in the final bracket and the top 3 teams go. They have several games upcoming against the top teams that will determine their fate. This Wednesday, they play Guatemala, who's in second, and in June play 3rd place Costa Rica. If they lose both of these games, they're pretty much screwed, but don't count on it.

So fear not, jingoistic American, your opportunity to travel to Germany and wave an American flag around until you get pummelled to death by Turks and Albanians is still alive!

Barry Bonds = Greg Stillson

Remember the movie 'The Dead Zone' with Christopher Walken? Of course you do. Now, remember how that movie ended (spoiler alert for people who just woke up from a 25-year coma)? You know, where Martin Sheen grabs the baby to use as a human shield against an assasination attempt?

When Barry Bonds said the words, "Could you zoom out to get my son in the picture? I want everyone to see who you're hurting here." he officially became the sports world's Greg Stillson, a delusional, sad psychopath, so painfully unaware of the notion of consequences and responsibility that he's just pathetic to watch. Dos this mean that Barry Bonds will start nuclear armageddon unless he's stopped? Maybe. Seriously though, Bonds' problem isn't a meglomaniacal desire to destroy the earth, but rather a complete inability to realize that he's created everything he's suffering from.

As Jon Stewart said the other night on the Daily Show, "I'd like to personally apologize, as part of the media, for calling you skinny and weak 15 years ago and demanding that you do steroids. I'd also like to apologize for daring you to have an affair and cheat on your wife. It was wrong.".

A poll that came out today of likely voters shows Barry Bonds barely getting into the Hall of Fame and Mark McGwire NOT getting in. That's excellent, because it shows that, despite the best efforts of morons like Bud Selig and Donald Fehr, the system works in the end. If you cheat, the immediate rewards are there, but there's a good chance that in the end, your family's name, your history and your legacy will be completely destroyed.

Which brings up a good question. Do you think people like Pete Rose, Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds would have lived their lives any differently if they knew how things would turn out? Were they good people that just made a couple of bad decisions or are they assholes that think life is what you take from it and let the other suckers worry about the rules?

In the end I think that baseball IS better without Barry Bonds. Until he shows he's able to live in the real world where people actually suffer consequences for being an egotistical jerk, then let him sit out for good.

What's Up With Rachel Nichols?

Rachel's that new ESPN reporter that seems to be everywhere, kind of like Andrea Kramer used to be. They seem to ship her off to another empty stadium every single day to talk for about 30 seconds, especially if it's a Miami Heat game (there's even been speculation that she's stalking Shaqille O'Neal).

I recently read something that said they use her and Jay "Beefcake" Bilas a lot because of the whole HDTV thing, that her and Jay have really blue eyes that show up well on High Def. It's nice to know that in the future, all news and sports will be read by people that have haunting cat's eyes, hypnotizing me to subscribe to the INsider... Must...call cable company... tell them to carry ESPN-U..... Perhaps the days of Hypno-toad aren't as far off as we thought.

Oh well, she seems competent enough I guess, but what's up with the way she says 'ESPN'? It's almost like someone catches her in the mouth with a fish hook just as she's wrapping up each time, so she winds up saying, "Rachel Nichols, ESP-eahhhhN".

Speaking of Bilas, stay tuned as we buckle to public demand to lay off Jay-jay and instead focus all of our rage against Duke's biggest apologist, Billy 'Mrs. Redick' Packer.

Williams: "From Now On, I'll Only Smoke Other People's Resin"

Say it ain't so, Ricky! Say that the reports that you've ditched the hippie lettuce are erroneous!! Erroneous!!

Wait a minute, I see what you're doing. Brilliant plan. First, kick weed, then convince Dolphins you're all better and get your 8 million back, then fake an injury in your first or second game back and use the 8 million to buy the world's biggest joint!!!

I found this picture of Ricky from the future. At this point, he's smoked so much weed that he's actually turned into a skinny hispanic woman. Weird!!

C.U. Next Tuesday...

Devoted Coach, Beloved Aunt, Paul Silas.

There's been a lot of talk since Paul Silas got fired about how black coaches seem to get the 'high-hat' pretty damn quickly these days. Examples include Byron Scott, Mo Cheeks, Johnny Davis etc. And while these are probably good examples of coaches let go when a VanGundy or a Dunleavy would've been given a few more years, there's one thing we have to remember in Silas' case:

He called Carlos Boozer a c*nt!!! Now I'm as foul-mouthed as anyone, but right when I heard that I said to myself, "You can't do that!". Everyone would love to find a reporter and start rattling off the c-word about people you're not too fond of, but every once in awhile, you've got to reel it in a bit. The shame is there's so many other words you could've used that have nearly the impact of 'C to the T' without getting you canned. How about 'Dick'? It's nice and curt and you could always claim that you thought his real name was Richard. Or 'a-hole', it's TV-friendly and has the added benefit of being classifiable, like 'Utah-lovin' A-hole' or 'Alaskan A-hole'.

Just a reminder that, when it comes to insulting your former players, originality is the key. Otherwise, you might lose your job to some twat.

Rome Is Contained

I like Jim Rome. I've listened to his radio program off and on for 12 years now, from back when he was on the 'Mighty 690' broadcast out of Tijuana, Mexico and seemingly reaching every radio in the western hemisphere. His radio takes are consistently laugh-out-loud funny, informative and good theater for scary lunatics who have nothing better to do than call into sports radio and scream for awhile.

So why is it that his TV show 'Jim Rome is Burning' doesn't work? He's not ugly or anything (no homo) and he's definitely got a certain gravitase and charisma that you would think would lend itself well to a PTI style show, so what gives?

Jim Rome's ego is what ultimately kills the show. The thing that funny, abrasive people like Max Kellerman and Tony Kornheiser have learned is that in order to be an asshole, you need to be surrounded by other people who not only get the joke, but are as quick as you. Kornheiser's got Wilbon, Kellerman had (and hopefully will have again) Michael Holley and Bill Wolff. These are smart people who can take the lead host's barbs, pick them apart with analysis and serve them right back at them.

Jim Rome's problem is that for most of his show he's either standing up, staring into the camera and looking confrontational, or he's sitting in a comfy chair looking like he really doesn't give a rat's ass what his interview subject has to say. The only segment on the show where he 'interacts' at all is the 'forum' part of the show where he usually brings on two of three people; his annoying game show host buddy Roger Lodge (from TV's Blind Date, why?), Jim Lampley (who's equally as abrasive and annoying as Rome most of the time. Incredibly knowledgeable but they just cancel each other out) and Jeff Cesario (a 'evening at the improv' era comedian whose jokes range from predictable to awful. His weekly attempt to be the Jay Leno of sports can be seen on his website, here.). Clearly, these three stooges aren't going to provide the Ying to Jim's Yang. He needs someone who is likeable with legitimate sports knowledge who can challenge him, not someone to lob up bad jokes and softballs.

Jim's got the personality to front a really good sports show. If he would just take a step back and realize that most people don't want to see some angry guy stare you down and tell you what to think for half and hour, it could work. Otherwise this show will just go on the slag-heap of other failed attempts to bring sports radio to television.

The Hits Just Keep Cummin'

Now I know what he's so cheesed off about

Well, any and all sitting around trying to come up with ridiculously contrived circumstances where I might still do well (Let's see, if Southern Illinois wins the whole thing and beats Wake in the final and they let Maryland in for one game and everyone else quits, I'm still in this!) are basically done for.

Just to sum up. Three days in, picked 3 of 8 2nd round games yesterday, have lost both finalists and my winner. The only way I don't finish dead last is if we switch to Bizarro rules.

Here's MY new and improved final four: Washington, Vermont, Arizona, Florida.

Well... Good For Them....No, Really....

Well, I'm out. Another year, another first round exit from contention in any and all pools.

I ignored my man-crush and it cost me big time. Check the date on that link. I was way into him before any of you so he's mine!!!

My apologies to Jim Boeheim. Next year I promise to pick you going out in the first round like I did in 2003, thus guaranteeing you another national championship.

Here's to a University of Washington vs. Vermont final!!!!

Lewwwww-Zerrrrrss....

Ha! Those stupid Irish think March Madness involves soccer!!

Alright, we're in the swing of it now, by gum. Phone the kids and wake up the neighbors, hold on to your wigs and keys, cause this train has left the station and ain't stoppin' 'till 'dis 'ere 'scribe stops a'usin' so many quotes in his writin'.

Who's the big loser so far? Three words, hombre, the S.E.C. Right off the bat we were treated to Kentucky squeaking by powerhouse basketball juggernaut Eastern Kentucky, then right after that, we get to watch Alabama lay a big smelly Cleveland Steamer at the feet of Wisconsin-Milwaukee, and finally, later in the evening, those uppity literates from Louisiana State University made UAB look like the 89-90 Runnin' Rebels.

It's time to start treatin' the SEC like what it is, a group of Football schools (except Kentucky) that don't try very hard when it comes to hoops. Give them 1 or 2 bids at most (just use the rules already in place for the MAC).

Alright then, back to the madness!!

Pickin' my nose with one hand, and picking winning teams with the other

Let me first say that, like most idiots, I have my boyhood homies University of Washington going out in the second round. I do this, not because I think this will happen at all, but because I want to spare myself disappointment and think this puts me in a win-win. Everyone's been 'sleeping upon' those Huskies, but mark my words, Nate Robinson will put a hurt on this years brackets!

My final four: Illini, Demon Deacons, UConn, and the Orangemen, with The Dekes riding Chris Paul's bitch ass all the way to the champ-een-ship.

Oh yeah, and happy Saint Paddy's. NOW you have an excuse to get drunk!!!

Hoops Hoops and More Hoops

We're gonna need more Cheese...

UMass fired Steve 'Rat' Lappas today.

For the next three weeks, I'm not caring about baseball, football, hockey, women's lacrosse, you name it. If anyone needs me I'll be sitting indian style with my tattered copy of Street & Smith's in my lap.

Heathens Continue Their Dominance of College Athletics

Over the last few days I've been watching as teams like Oral Roberts University, Notre Dame, Sacred Heart and now Holy Cross have gotten their asses handed to them in the NCAA conference tournaments.

All I can say is you're free to believe in Jesus if you want, but it's pretty clear that college hoops is not his game. In fact, he sent one of his biggest followers, Dwight Howard, straight to the NBA which leads me to believe he doesn't like the NCAA at all.

And while I'm talking about The College of The Holy Cross, it's nice to see the classy young men and women that attend that devout, jesuit, Worcester, Mass. institution all chanting 'Bull-Shit' at the top of their lungs after every call goes against them. Clearly a 'What Would Jesus shout wicked loud?' type of situation.

Nice Olympics You Got Here... Be A Shame If Something Happened To It

Can anyone there tell the difference?

So supposedly Lance Armstrong's in hot water because he says he'd rather see Paris get the Olympics in 2012 instead of New York. Good for him.

I remember when I used to watch the Olympics to see far away lands. Places like Barcelona, Sarajevo, Munich and Lillehammer. Now it seems like every 4 years either the winter or summer games is in the U.S. somewhere. I already knew that Salt Lake City and Atlanta were boring places, I didn't need Juan Antonio Sammaranch and his band of corrupt blowjob recepients raping the local taxpayers to find out.

And corruption is why I don't want the Olympics anywhere near New York. I've lived in New York, I've worked in New York, and there's no more corrupt city in this nation than New York. You can't put up a new mailbox in front of your house without greasing the palms of ten guys named Vincent, so what exactly makes anyone think that stadiums and venues would go up overnight without screwing the people that live and work there out of even more money than the city already does?

Did you know that when you live in New York, you have to pay a 'city tax' at the end of the year? It's about 5%. So when you tack that on to Federal Tax, State Tax, your $2500 per month apartment and one of the highest sales taxes in the country, it's ALREADY expensive as hell to live in NYC. Having the Olympics there would make a bad situation worse. Viva la France!!

Today's Special, Sour Grapes...

Alright, time for some good old fashioned venting:

Let's start with Jack Nicklaus, whining about how it's all about big drives now and that players like Tiger are ruining the game. Ex-queeze me!?? I don't recall the game being a lot more popular when it was nothing but old grey-haired white men gasping for breath after each putt just trying to make it to 18 so they could get drunk. Believe it or not, Jack, the game is in its golden age right now and didn't peak with Fuzzy Zoeller.

Next is Walter Cronkite, saying that kindly old man Bob Schieffer would have been a better anchor than Dan Rather for CBS for all these years. Thanks for the Happy Retirement wishes, you bitter old asshole. I'm pretty sure that the last time anybody gave a rat's ass what Cronkite had to say John Kennedy had a fresh new hole in his head. Hurry up and die already so that I don't have to keep saying to myself, "He's still alive?".

And finally, here's two fingers crossed that TK's admission that it's 'over' between him and Tonya Harding is the last we'll hear of that hatchet-faced, backwoods, double-wide dwelling skank. I hope that transvestite kicks your ass.

Bilas Exposed!!

While Wilbon was busy making the claim to Jay Bilas that at some point Buck Williams and/or Sam (doin' the butt) Perkins achieved the same 26 point/24 rebound stat that Sean May got yesterday in UNC's amazing comeback against Duke, my thought wasn't that Wilbon was full of shit, but that Jay 'Always full of shit' BILAS was full of shit. At one point, Bilas boasted that it took him THREE games to get TWENTY FOUR rebounds. Yes, terribly disappointing for loudmouth Bilas to only get EIGHT rebounds per game, IF THAT WERE TRUE... (gasp, murmur).

According to the cold, hard statistics, Mr. Bilas in his best season of 84-85 only managed to pull down a Antonio Lang, Alaa Abdelnaby-esque SIX rebounds a game, which, by my math would only get you EIGHTEEN over a three game period.

So Jay? When was this mystical season when you averaged 24 rebounds over a three game period and were 1/3 as good as Sean May? When are you going to admit that you're Greg Koubeck with a smart haircut?

Practice Your Soccer, Guys!

Just to let you know, if you look like this



and can play soccer, you'll land a fiancee like this:



If she'd only shack up with a tennis player, she could be the new next Mrs. Kornheiser.

By the way, that's Ronaldo and Daniela Cicarelli

Illinois Knocked Off by Ohio State, Clark Kellogg To Wed Michael Holley.

Well, Indiana no longer has to worry. The only worthwhile thing that's ever happened in their state will survive another year. In a dramatic, last minute mini-comeback, THE Ohio State University punk'd Illinois to put an end to their quest for a completely undefeated season.

Bad loss for the Illini. Now they have to quickly get back their composure and try to regain the swagger they've had all year in less than a week. As far as I'm concerned, their odds for winning the whole thing just dropped dramatically. My final four picks right now would be Wake Forest, Kansas, Syracuse and Louisville. No way Roy Williams is going final four, and no way Illinois completely recovers from today's loss.

Can...You...Dig It?

Today on the show, it was discussed how unbelievable it is that the Lakers will quite probably miss the playoffs altogether this year. While I concede that I didn't think they would be THIS bad, it fills me with great joy to see people as egotistic and full of themselves as Kobe Bryant and Jerry Buss get their come-uppance.

As much as I enjoyed the collapse of Da Bulls, this is even more enjoyable than watching Jerry Krause go down in flames in Chicago was. I wouldn't even refer to it as 'Schadenfraude' because that involves taking joy in watching 'anyone' suffer. It's much much more enjoyable when big-headed jerks call their shot, when they stand up at the top of the mountain and scream to the world, "I am brilliant. It's all my fault that we rule and I'll prove it by getting rid of everyone but me.". After Jerry Buss shit-canned everyone but his 'golden boy', it is so much fun watching them stink up the NBA.

No Mo Cheeks

"Helping an embarrassed little girl? Don't you know that's against team policy?"

In what must be a devastating blow to his street cred and 'thuggishness', Maurice Cheeks was let go by the Portland Trailgangstas today. Oh well, I guess he just wasn't able to keep up with mental giants like Darius Miles and Damon Stoudamire. Perhaps the Blazers players just got tired of giving Mo the answers to that days New York Times Crossword Puzzle or are looking for a coach who doesn't pretend to know about medieval literature when his knowledge clearly doesn't extend beyond a few quotes of Chaucer. Or maybe it's that he's a legitimately good coach and a nice guy and Portland has spent the last 10 years trying to turn the Rose Garden into the country's only prison without bars.

Of course, the natural fit at this point for Portland would be John 'leader of the goon squad' Chaney...
















Hey Ruben Patterson, sweep the leg!!

Anatomy of A Toss-Up Ass-Kicking

Ok, usually it's not nearly the blowout that TK makes it sound like, but today's tossup made Wilbon look like a fool. Let's get the first one over the loudspeaker!

1 - Wilbon tries to make the point that the VIKINGS made out better in the Moss trade! Sure they did. And if the Cavaliers trade LeBron for Jameer Nelson and a second round pick tomorrow, it'll be good for the Cavs because they can always use that pick to take Luke Schensher of Georgia Tech.

2 - Wilbon would choose Maurice (can drink a 40 faster than run one) Clarett over Ricky Williams because 'Maurice wants to play'. I wanna play too, does that mean I'm better than a guy who can guarantee you 1500 yards?

3 - They both take the Pistons to make it to the finals before the Heat just to suck up to their boy Larry Brown. The chicken-like equivalent of a 'push'.

4 - Wilbon blames Luke Walton for passing up the final shot against the Knicks. I like Kornheiser's point, however, that Kobe has them all too scared to take a shot and Walton was just looking to get the ball to the 'franchise'. Point to TK.

5 - Wilbon sort of takes Barry Bonds to collapse before Roger Clemens because of his arthritic knees, and "when they go, they go". As if Bonds is going to strut up to the plate one day and just drop to the ground and clutch his knees and do his best Redd Foxx, "Oh! Felipe! It's the big one...".

C'mon Wilbon, you gotta bring it better than that!