Thursday, June 09, 2005

My Hatred Runneth Over...

2005 PTE Douchebag of the Year nominee #2: Drew Rosenhaus

It's tough to imagine that anyone could topple the greats in this category like Kobe Bryant, Barry Bonds, Daniel Snyder, Chris Webber, and Terrell Owens, but Drew Rosenhaus, you're right up there with the best. I suspected you were a Hall of Fame Douchebag, today's PTI interview proved it.

From the opening bell, when T.K. complimented his thinning, hair-weaved scalp as a thing of beauty, the guys baited him and baited him. With all the brains of a sunfish, Drew left no hook unswallowed. Tony couldn't even control his excitement, proclaiming "I love this guy!" knowing full well the more ridiculous he sounds the more people will talk about the interview. Bravo, douchebag.

Here are some excerpts:
When asked if Terrell Owens will be in training camp:
"We won't rule it out. It is something we're considering."
-Really? How much do we owe you for the mere consideration of honoring the contract Terrell signed? What a saint you are to even consider such madness!

On the Philly fans:
"He's really not turning his back on the fans. They would do the same thing if they thought what they were doing wasn't fair."
Hear that? -Any blue-collar Eagle fan who thinks they're underpaid can find legal representation with Drew!
"I promise you guys, the minute he catches his first touchdown pass, if he's back with the Eagles, they'll be cheering for him again! So I'm not concerned about that." How's that for marginalizing your loyalty, Philadelphia?

On his relationship with Donavan McNabb:
"What goes on between those two players is really between them."
-If it's really between them why did Terrell talk shit about Donavan to the media? That's not exactly intimate, Drew.

On Owens signing his "sub-standard" 7 year, 49 million dollar contract with Philadelphia:
"He didn't have a choice! He would have been stuck in Baltimore!"
Boo fucking Hoo! Last time I checked, the Ravens were no slouch.

When asked to clarify that he would have a client hold out even if there's a signed contract in place:
"That's correct. Absolutely. If I think that that contract isn't fair."
-And you stand to get a larger cut of a new contract?

When asked why Rosenhaus client, first year player, Shawn Taylor can't extend the courtesy of calling back his Hall of Fame coach, Joe Gibbs:
"Some of my clients prefer, when it's the off season, for them to concentrate on the off-season and not deal with football. They want to take a break. -That's Shawn's philosophy, so I've communicated on his behalf to the coach."

On infuriating other sports agents by luring athletes to his camp:
"There's no way to lure players. They're intelligent, they're smart, they want a top guy. But I don't care if agents don't like me. I want them to resent me! That means I'm beating them up! Do you want your competitors to like you? I don't. I want to beat them down! These are not guys I want to love me and like me. I want them to despise me because that means I'm beating them."
-All those years as a kid on the schoolyard really clarified that position, didn't it?

On whether he has a soul:
"I love this profession, I love my clients, I love the National Football League! I'm trying to do a job that's good for the sport by taking care of my clients, taking care of their business."
Hear that, Philadelphia? When T.O. is sitting out the entire season, it's because Drew is trying to do what's good for the sport.
City of Philadelphia, I have absolutely nothing in common with you other than a couple of trips to see my cousin there when I was a kid. -I even cheered loudly for you to lose the SuperBowl last year, but my heart goes out to you now.

I know you're a beautifully working-class town, so it must be even more difficult to hear that a $49 million dollar contract isn't enough for T.O.'s family. All I can suggest is you mine the best players off one of the worst teams in the league and trade T.O. I guarantee, in the long run, you'll much rather have either Roy or Mike Williams and Detroit's best young defensive player than T.O. And think about how satisfying it will be to make him play for a bad team!

Finally, for those of us who always hated Duke basketball because, although we never knew any Duke graduates, deep-down we just knew they had to be ego-maniacal douchebags, we now have a face to go along with those assumptions. That poster-boy is Drew Rosenhaus.

-May he make many more appearances on PTI, for watching Tony and Wilbon hand him the rope to hang himself with is just too entertaining to keep bottled up.


At 10:22 AM, Blogger Drew said...

Testify. I'm glad they keep nuclear waste like that guy bottled up in Miami where the only people he can infect are 90-year old retirees and Dan Lebatard.

At 2:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Golden Domer grads make Dukie alum appear to have the aplomb of Little Lord Fontlaroy.


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