Saturday, March 26, 2005

Fantasy Hell.

I've never been one to over-dramatize my bad luck, but could you pull back and get a shot of my unborn kid, just to see how much pain you've all caused us? Thanks. With that said, I would like to point out the mind-boggling bad fortune I've had with fantasy basketball this year.

Like most fantasy owners, I was positive at the beginning of the season I'd be laying waste to the competition. I should have realized (Pick #11)Vashon Lenard's Week One season-ending injury was merely an omen of bad things to come.

So here's how the rest of the season went:
  • Soon after that, All-Star and man-crush recepient, Andrei Kirilenko(Pick #1) goes out for 2 months with an ankle injury.
  • Not to be out-done, fellow All-Star and all-around super-douche, Ron Artest(Pick #3), decides to give himself the rest of the year off by applying frontier justice to the Detroit fans.
  • No problem! After all, Nene Hilario(Pick #10) will pick up the slack, right? Wrong. His legend becomes much better served by eating Brazilian nuts on the injured list for 2 months (really, it was).
  • Sensing a trend, Zach Randolph(Pick #2) declares this year's under-achieving too much for the Portland fans to endure, and manages a season-ending knee injury.
  • Right on schedule, Eric Dampier(Pick #6), realizes this is not a contract year for him and falls prey to the injury-list charm. Much to his surprise, the same amount of money continues to empty into his banking account while hurt with a foot stress fracture than when he's taking up space on the basketball court.
  • Being a slave to fashion, "Captain Kirk" Hinrich(Pick #4) puts the brakes on the Bulls' improved play and pulls his hamstring.
  • Which brings us back to (Circle of Life, kids) last Thursday's Utah game. A game that I foolishly wagered cash money on in an upstanding Lake Tahoe casino. Realizing my folly, the forces of fate quickly went to work. After returning to action from injury, the aforementioned Siberian nightmare, Andrei Kirilenko(Pick #1), rose from virtual insignificance to the overall monthly ranking of #1, Numero Uno, the big enchilada, and clich├ęs of the like. Riding high on that fleeting achievement, and having the cosmic bad luck of my wagering decision, he waited 3 full minutes before breaking his wrist and ending his season.
"Uncle!" I say.

Having no greater force-of-nature belief to blame, I can confidently say, this year's fantasy victory was simply not meant to be. As it was pointed out to me, if all these guys got together, they would have a hardy laugh over the remote possiblility of some poor bastard drafting them all. In fact, it would be hard to believe. Therefore, to all the players mentioned, I apologize, and hope the Hat-on-the-Bed hex I've delivered soon wears off.


At 9:19 AM, Blogger Drew said...

Perhaps next season you could use your superpowers for good. Might I suggest this draft list:
1)Evil, 2)Greed, 3)Kobe Bryant, 4)Dick Cheney and 5)AIDS. Not necessarily in that order.


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